Tell Me, No Don't Tell Me..Okay Tell Me

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It seems just about everything to do with the military is attached to some pretty strong loves and hates. Hate the goodbyes, love the hellos. Hate the red tape, love the benefits. Love the tough guys, hate how they won't talk or show affection in public. Love the adventure, hate the moves. Love the uniform, hate all the gear all over the house. You love that he's a warrior but hate that he has to leave and train or fight all the time.

One of my love/hate situations is knowing what he's doing. This includes everything to do with the military, not just during deployment times. There is always some news about something coming up that needs to be scheduled into your lives, some new change that is going to potentially change how you do things, or some challenge he is facing. Any information he passes on, you know is going to turn your life topsy-turvy somehow and you find part of yourself wanting to know immediately so you can start your plan of attack and another side of you pleading, "Don't tell me anything that will stress me out until we reach a time when the actual action needs to be taken or said information will affect me."

During deployment this ratchets up a few notches. I know almost nothing of what he does every day and for my sanity, I am a pretty big believer in ignorance is bliss. But I do know enough to recognized the subtle changes that suggest he's going out. Going out are key words for "I'm going on a mission of some sort and will talk to you when I get back." That might be in a few minutes, a few hours or a few days. He usually leaves some clues about the time frame.

Part of me likes knowing that so I know not to expect to hear from him. It gives me a little wiggle room not to feel tied down to the phone or computer unnecessarily. But the hate part of this is that I usually pick up on these hints at the beginning of his day, which is the end of my day. That means I get this information and then get in bed and know he's doing something dangerous and I think about it and think about it even when I'm trying to do something else. There's still that little knot in my stomach that gnaws at me. Those are usually the nights I can't fall asleep, I have weird dreams, I wake up for no reason at four in the morning and don't go back to sleep.

I do like knowing to pray a little extra hard for him. I do like knowing he's probably doing something he enjoys a little more than sitting at a desk doing some unbearably uninspiring paperwork at a computer screen. But there's a little part of me that wishes I could stay in my ignorant bliss and not know he was going out. That is the weak woman in me. The strong woman wants to know everything I possibly can, be totally informed, read every scary news article and be prepared for anything.

I may have another military love/hate going on with myself. I probably love/hate these two sides of me doing battle, one not wanting to hear or know anything and the other insistent on knowing everything possible. There's no way for those two gals to peacefully co-exist and I know the curious side will always win because there's no way I'm not going to hear stuff anyway. End of story.