Alcohol: A Fast Way To Wreck Your Life

I want to encourage you to take alcohol out of your life. I know for some this is the equivalent of me saying something like get rid of your cell phone or your car. For many alcohol is a part of every day life and every social event. It is completely socially acceptable....but it is a socially acceptable addictive drug. One that dulls the mind, reduces one's ability to think clearly and make rational decisions.

It brings on feelings of sadness, depression, anger and rage. And yet for some reason it is totally legal although it has had more influence for destruction in the lives of families than any other addictive substance in history. If you want a clear picture of this, talk to any child of an alcoholic. I know several and the life-long effects of their parents use of alcohol is never ending and highly destructive.

If you think I overstate my case, begin looking at articles about service members with PTS who have committed serious crimes and are now in prison. Almost every story involves heavy drinking and moments of absolutely disastrous judgment. Look at incidences of domestic violence within and without the military. Many if not most are alcohol driven.

Sadly, once the "calming, good time effect" of the alcohol has worn off, the reality of decisions made under the influence are impossible to avoid. Here is a story that illustrates just that, how one service member with PTS, after a long night of drinking, lost control, almost lost his life, almost took the lives of several other people and in the end lost his marriage too -- and then went to prison for eight years -- all for one stupid night of "fun."

I think the unfortunate thing is that this story only focuses on PTS as if that is what caused this service member to go off the rails. The PTS may have lead him to drink more but I am convinced it was the alcohol that lead him to the disastrous actions that ruined his life that dark night.

It is a proven fact that alcohol brings on feelings of desperation, sadness, fear and rage. All demonstrated in his actions that night. Anyone who has ever been to a college party or a bar can attest to all of these realities.

Alcohol is not all fun and games. It's not a great way to destress, unwind or spend time with friends. If you do drink socially often, think about how many times you've seen friends or couples break down into ridiculous arguments or fights after drinking for a while. How often do fights have to be broken up or contention arises that would not happen were alcohol not involved.

I see to damaging effects of alcohol too often in my military social network feeds. Too many break ups, too many fights, too many hangovers and far too many people bragging about how much "fun" they are having getting really plastered. And then they wonder why their lives are so unstable, their relationships broken and emotions so dark and hopeless.

Drinking is bad for your body and your safety (do I even need to bring up DUIs or the possibility of killing someone else while driving under the influence?)

Alcohol is damaging to relationships, to marriages, to children. When you're drunk, your kids are not drunk and they see and remember everything you may not the next morning. They are embarrassed and worried even when they see you start getting loud and silly when you have a slight buzz going. They are scared of you when they see you are not acting like your normal responsible self. It's terrifying to them and they learn not to trust you.

If you are a military spouse or service member or anyone who drinks, consider how you are using alcohol in your life. If you know someone with PTS be very alert to how they are using alcohol and if you have the chance, encourage them to avoid it at all costs. It is also important to be aware they may be mixing medication for PTS treatment with alcohol which is even more dangerous.

Reconsider how you use this powerful, addictive drug in your life. You can live without it and letting go of it has zero harmful effects. You will feel and be more healthy, see your life more clearly, make better long lasting decisions and genuinely have more happiness in your life.

A Great Experience at NMFA Operation Purple Camp

Earlier this summer we had the chance to attend the National Military Family Association Operation Purple Camp. What an amazing experience. I would recommend if you're eligible to get your applications in now for upcoming Operation Purple Family Retreats and Operation Purple Healing Adventures. There is also Operation Purple Camp just for military kids.

The setting was Jackson Hole, Wyoming and Grand Teton National Park. What an amazing place to spend every day for a week. The landscapes were just unbelievably breathtaking. The Teton Science Camp, where the camp took place, was lovely. The program was super well organized and the staff at all levels was top notch professional, friendly and kind. The lodging facilities were great too. Comfortable beds, nice rooms with ensuite bathrooms.

Even more amazing is that the food at the camp was fantastic. You don't generally expect that any place that is feeding masses of people, particularly at a mountain camp. Everyone was full and happy after every meal and every meal pleased the crowds.

We saw all kinds of amazing animals including bison, moose, caribou, deer, antelope, bald eagles, beavers, sandhill cranes and so many more. We hiked, canoed, river rafted, watercolor painted in nature and did a service project in the national park too.

The best part of the camp was that we were grouped with two other families who had kids the same age as ours. This worked out so fantastically. The kids had an amazing fun time from the moment they met up in the morning until they were shipped off to bed every night. In fact they had so much fun that it was pretty tough to get them up at the 6:30 a.m. wake up call every morning. They needed more sleep.

Our three families were so compatible and we ended up making friendships that are so precious to us now. Because we don't live near any military families, thanks to Operation Purple Family Retreat we have close military family friends now. I really appreciate that! Amazing. Did not expect that to happen but what a gift.

It's was wonderful to have had time to talk and share and learn from each other's experiences. We also had the opportunity to participate in workshops put on by FOCUS (Families Overcoming Under Stress), which focused on resiliency, self and family care in the military family environment. It was great to get couples and families together to talk about such important issues that are a challenge to the military community at large.

Can I just take a moment to say if you are a military family who is struggling, there is so much help out there. Don't suffer in silence. You can contact me if you want and I will help you get connected with the right people. But please don't suffer in silence when things could be so much better.

It was tough to say goodbye and boy do we miss our friends! But I think we'll remember for a lifetime the great experiences we had at Operation Purple Family Retreat in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Thanks National Military Family Association and everyone who has contributed to the success of this program.

If you're able, may I suggest a donation, big or small, to this great organization that is doing so much to strengthen the military families of the United States. These families have sacrificed a lot for our nation.

10 Things A Military Spouse Can Control

There are so many things that are part of military life that we can't control. It's a given after a while that it's impossible to make life plans that will always stick because things always change. It's a given that your spouse will be gone a lot. Another that you will worry and sometimes not sleep well when they are in harm's way or you know they are struggling. It's also a given that the military will throw you a lot of curve balls that will turn your life upside down on a regular basis. So what can we control? How do we maintain a sense of control over our own lives and the development and growth of our life, our marriages and our families when so much is out of our control?

Here are 10 things I jotted down on a list one day that we can control. It's good to take back a sense of power and remember that there are super important things we have great influence over.

1. I have influence over my household and how we live in our home. I can help maintain a positive, loving, calm environment. Putting on peaceful music, keeping things as clean and orderly as possible, setting up rules and behavioral expectations that will create a warm, welcoming environment for the family are just a few ideas.

2. I am responsible for how I speak to my husband. I have a big responsibility to my marriage and what I bring to it. My attitude and behavior towards him have a huge impact on the spirit of our home and the well-being of our family. Even if he's in a bad mood, I have the ability to manage myself so that I don't make it worse. Sometimes it may be the reverse and I have to consider how I sound to the family and to my beloved. Taking care of myself so that I am well and sane makes a huge difference in my ability to manage myself.

3. I have 100% control over how I speak about my husband. Do I build him up in my eyes, his eyes and others? Showing disrespect to my husband in conversation with others tears him down and weakens our marriage. It also damages our relationships with others.

4. I have power to control how much time and energy I give to things outside our home. Do I let too many other activities, whether they be phone calls with friends and family or commitments to work, volunteering or anything else take away from the well-being of my family. I have to learn to balance these things so there is as little upheaval as possible for home and family -- and that I do not tire myself out and find myself constantly on empty.

5. I can control what music I listen to. Music can set the tone for calm, motivation or even sadness, darkness, anger and violence. The atmosphere I create or allow around me influences how I feel and act. Choose wisely. Sad country songs during deployment equal instant cry. Peppy pop songs help get the house cleaned faster. Workouts too become more powerful with the right music. I chose the soundtrack for my life.

6. I can control screen time. Spending too much time online or watching TV can steal precious minutes and hours from things that are really enjoyable and important to us. When my husband was on deployment I learned I shouldn't watch military movies. They made me too sad in that moment. Even now I don't enjoy them the way I did before he went to war.

Lone Survivor was tough for me. I found myself in the movie theater sitting next to my husband hyperventilating, shaking and wanting to scream at the screen to tell them NOT to let those people go down the mountain. TV can be a great momentary break from the day or it can be a total brain drain time suck where one can get lost and quickly end of staying in pajamas all day. It's easy to waste a lot of time on screens or allow them to control our moods and mindsets. On a related note, I have GREAT concerns about the damage video game addictions are having on military relationships - but that's a subject for the guys and another day.

7. I can manage my mood. It's totally okay to have a rough or sad day. But in every mood there are things we can do to help ourselves or make things worse. Sometimes a giant cry is just the right thing, other times a kick in the seat of the pants is needed, or a fantastically tough workout. Learning to know ourselves so we can help instead of make things worse is important.

8. I have great influence on how we raise our daughter. Those are decisions made best between mom and dad and when we work together we have a far better chance of success, especially when we face the change and upheaval of military life in the world of our children. When we help them learn to be brave, strong and resilient they see us as the steady shore to hold onto as they grow and while they also deal with the constant change of military life.

9. I can control how we spend our time when my husband is away working. Do I let everything slide or do I use our time to learn, grow and have fun. Sometimes it has to be a little of both and there is a balance to be found, but when I consciously use that time to build our family rather than just fall apart and wait for him to get back we get much greater rewards and build wonderful memories. We can take trips, day adventures, plan activities with other moms and kids, or have a little more downtime than usual. I have a lot of influence over whether those are sad, wasted times or happy, productive times.

10. I can greatly influence how our family feels about military life. Do I complain, nag or disrespect the life we lead and my husband's career path or do I act with dignity, respect and honor towards it? Do I take time to teach my kiddo about all the rich meaning and history of the military, of proper military/base conduct, patriotism and duty and honor? Anyone associated with the military knows that it has it's problems as any organization does, but there is a lot to love and respect and appreciate about the military. We have a great opportunity to build a stronger family and stronger kids through those rich traditions if we take advantage of them.

So, you see, it's easy to feel like the military controls everything and we just run ragged trying to keep up. But when we really look at things, we still maintain the balance of power over the well-being and happiness of our lives, homes and families. When we let the outside disturbances become small ripples (as often as possible) instead of crashing swells we are able to maintain our influence and peace within our own families and stay strong and brave.

Don't Be Afraid Of Therapy

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I've had the chance to meet and talk with a lot of therapists and counselors this past year both within and outside of the military community. It's been a great introduction to the world of counseling and all the good it can do. This image above might be your vision of therapy. It may sound a little scary, daunting, intrusive or embarrassing. But after meeting so many very competent therapists and counselors inside and outside the military community I am here to say do not hesitate to seek out help if you feel that life has become overwhelmingly stressful or you haven't felt like yourself in a long time.

Here's a great article that I very much agree with about what therapy is and isn't called Ten Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy by Megan Hale. This article is full of just the compassion, understanding and encouragement I have seen in conversations with therapists, social workers and chaplains I have enjoyed getting to know over the past year.

This has been my experience as I have entered into therapy sessions for myself in the past few months. I am a pretty strong person and have always had a pretty great attitude about life. But after a string of very challenging events for our family I was worn down and had lost my ability to be my normal sunny, happy, calm self. I found myself shorter tempered, exhausted and frustrated more often than I needed to be and I felt like I was on permanent "crisis mode" after needing to operate in crisis mode for such an extended period of time. Throw in the sleeplessness and stress of my husband's year-long military deployment and boom, I was one tired, worn out woman.

So after deliberating for a while, I decided to meet with a therapist that was recommended to me by someone I met in the FOCUS program. I am glad I did because it's been great for me, but I also am glad I did it because now I can share that encouragement with others. Do it. If you feel it will help, do it. You will feel a HUGE load lifted off your shoulders in an environment where you can say what you feel honestly without worry or shame. Don't wait until things get so bad that your situation becomes a crisis you can no longer manage.

I have seen that there are great things that can happen in counseling for military kids, service members, spouses and as families and couples too. It's great to have an outside party who can point out areas where you should probably give yourself, your spouse, your life or your family a break, things that might be creating more frustration than ease, ways of thinking that may be blocking your success and to help you see the sunny side of life again.

Some of the major issues we've talked about in therapy have to do with how I constructed my mindset in my childhood and things that happened in my life then. Amazing how it flows over into so much of how I do things as as adult. I've caught myself creating beliefs that aren't exactly true or in some cases are totally false. For instance last week I mentioned a situation that I had failed at. When we looked at it, I hadn't failed the situation at all. I had done all I could do. The situation has just not worked out in my favor initially. So I had to backtrack and realize I had not failed but the situation had been a difficult one. Major difference in perspective and how it affects one's sense of self worth and ability to succeed!

I've also learned how often we misuse the words "always" and "never." As in "Things never work out" or "This always happens to me" or "I always am disappointed." Every once in a while I hear myself speak one of these words. There are no absolutes in our life experience. There are good and bad days, things sometimes work out and sometimes they don't. When things are difficult it's easy to feel like only bad things happen or when we have trouble in relationships it's easy to say the other person "always" treats us in a way we don't like. When we think things are always one way or the other we create a situation that isn't real and then we operate as if it were. A recipe for trouble.

Therapy is an opportunity to see ourselves and our lives more clearly. It's a great opportunity to refocus our thoughts and actions for more happiness and greater success in life. It can help kids to adults develop strong souls and learn life-changing skills, it can improve marriages and bring peace. It's a good thing. Be sure to find someone you feel comfortable with and have good chemistry with. Get recommendations. Go through reputable resources. You should always feel it's working for you and if it's not, find someone else who you do feel chemistry with.

But don't wait. It the thought comes to your mind repeatedly go do it. I found myself wanting to go to therapy for a good year before I really did it. I should've gone so much sooner. Why did I need to suffer for another year when I could've lightened my load with less stress so much earlier.  I also found that things would be fine during the week when we were busy and when the weekend hit we'd end up in crisis and I would have nowhere to turn, promise myself I'd call for an appointment on Monday morning and then the week would start, we'd get busy and I'd let the idea go until the next overwhelming moment occurred. Dumb decisions. But I'm glad I finally did it. It's amazing how a few little tweaks to my outlook each week have improved my life. I've learned a lot and appreciate my time to refresh my little soul and focus on my own self-care.

Have you taken advantage of counseling opportunities from the military or other sources. What did you learn and how did it improve things for you?

Missing My Before Husband, Finding A New Normal

Last night for some reason I was just missing my husband so much that when he fell asleep on the couch I sat on the floor next to him, held his hand and laid my head on his chest....and cried. When he woke up this morning the first thing he said was "Who moved the coffee table so far from the couch last night?" He had no idea I was there. But that's okay. It was a moment I needed to have that he didn't necessarily need to have.

This morning, missing him again and still feeling a little teary, a line I have read many times from other military spouses came to my mind. "The man you send on deployment is not the same man who will come home to you." You know what comes next, right? You've heard it a million times. "You have changed too and things will never be the same as they were before. You have to find a NEW NORMAL."

New Normal....those two words...I'm gettin' tired of them. I'm tired of New Normal. I want Old Normal, even for just a few minutes. I have to say that after all the reading and preparing I did for pre-deployment, deployment and reintegration the things the experts said again and again have pretty much all been right on the money. The only thing I have read repeatedly that has not happened at our house is that my husband has not become hyper vigilant. He does not check the doors regularly or stand guard in our home. This is very likely because of the fact that this was not part of his work while deployed even though I am sure he was expected to be on guard constantly. But he was not in an assignment that required him to be a part of base security.

But of all the stuff I read, it's pretty much all come into play at one point or another. Today it was the reality that my old guy is gone. I'm married to a different guy now. That's a weird reality. Maybe it comes more into focus on a week like Valentine's Day when I think about how simple and happy our relationship was in the beginning. That changes too over time. Getting married means bills, shared responsibilities and a huge ability to affect other people by even your smallest actions. Maybe that's a good way to look at it. Everything changes so don't hold onto anything in the past too hard. Our kiddo is changing all the time too. I wake up and she looks taller and older than she did the night before. It's weird but true. People say it all the time, that she looks taller and older all of a sudden. That's pretty crazy really, but again it's true.

Maybe my hope and prayer for this Valentine's Day is to fall in love with this new guy I am married to in a new way. Maybe I can think about how I've changed and try to help him find the new me as well. Perhaps that can be our gifts this year. To find our New Normal or at least start finding it. I'm sure it doesn't happen all at once.

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Making Memories On Our Own

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I have been thinking a lot recently about how many memories our little one and I have made without hubs being around. We'll never be able to get him caught up on all the inside jokes, weird things that have happened to us, places we seen, people we've met or things we've shared together. She and I have a bond that exists on a whole different plane than our relationship with her dad.

We didn't choose this, we didn't try to create our own little world, but we had to out of necessity. It makes me a little sad and I often feel caught between both worlds. Home is a different place when it's just the two of us. It's much less complicated, more tidy, everything just happens more easily and quickly.

Suddenly when Daddy is home everything changes, the way we do things, the pace of our day, how our mornings flow, what we eat for meals, how we spend our down time and how much of it we have. Things are more peaceful without the testosterone element I realize. Some days I crave that energy and some days I want it to quiet down a little bit. It's frustrating to me to feel torn between these two existences and yet  I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not sure how to navigate it all. I guess I thought once he'd done a one-year-deployment that having him gone for a week or two would be nothing. If anything it's gotten harder in some ways and then it's almost too easy for us to get back on "deployment auto-pilot" but then it all stops as soon as he gets back and we're thrown a bit by that.

I think the divide is getting wider and I'm not sure who's fostering it and who's trying to pull people back together. Maybe this is just another bump in the reintegration process. We are definitely having to redefine what our normal is. I find we like it even less when he's gone, but we all have a little bit of a sense of relief to be apart and catch our breath. This is all very weird. Do people outside the military have anything like this in their lives.

I guess I need to reckon again with the fact that he's always going to be gone a lot. I don't think I ever felt like he'd come back from deployment and suddenly be around all the time, but it does seem like I've gotten a little bit tired of it. Oh the joys of finding our way through life and continually having to redefine what everything means to us and how it will work for us. 

Somehow I guess I will find a way to peacefully exist in these two worlds. Do any of you other military wives understand what I'm talking about? Have you felt the same? Do you have any great advice for me? I've love to hear it if you do. I am continually surprised that even though he's home there's still lots to learn and work through.

To Mend Broken Hearts

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It always breaks my heart to see gals in the milso community break up. Relationships are hard. Military relationships are really hard. Young relationships tend to get very serious early on when the military is involved. Long distances can be stressful. There is a lot of time apart and things can happen, choices that are not in the best interests of maintaining a healthy relationship happen. Breakups and broken hearts happen and can happen at any age. 

Military relationships require a big investment of patience, waiting and giving. It's hard to believe it won't last when we've given so much of ourselves. Sometimes the other party might not be mature enough for a relationship right now. Sometimes as hard as we try the fit just isn't right, or the time just isn't right.

I met and dated a lot of great guys in my day, but if the fit isn't right or the timing isn't right for both parties, things just can't move forward. I didn't marry all of them, but I'm glad I had the experiences I gained along the way. I try to always believe that when a relationship doesn't work out there is something much better around the corner. I have learned that often what we think is right for us is far less than the best that is out there for us. But I know letting go and trusting everything will be okay and that there is someone else out there for us is so painful.

I wanted to share this FANTASTIC list of tips from Dr. Laura Schlessinger called 7 Ways To Emerge From Heartbreak Better Than Ever. It is so spot on in great advice. There is no better revenge than coming out of a relationship better, stronger, wiser and more beautiful on the inside and out.

Breakups are pretty universal. Like death, they are one of the great pains that will touch all our lives somehow. But having these tips as a north star to guide one is invaluable. I love what Dr. Laura said about being silent and avoiding groveling. It's easy to want to try to get even or make the other party look bad, but the noblest act is silence with an attitude of "onward and upward."

Going through a breakup is rough. But with these tips, you can do it gracefully and put yourself in a healthy position for better things to come and being an even better partner in the future. I send this out as a big hug to those Milsos in break ups. I see you often online and I know you are hurting. Know that I've been there and I know how devastating it is. But know it's survivable and you can even thrive your way out of a breakup. Better things will come, better opportunities will come, a person better suited to be just the right one for you will come.

Posted with much love to you all!

Sometimes You Can't Tell MilSos The Truth

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Sometimes I see MilSOs online sharing their frustration about hard things they are battling and I know I just can't say what I would really like to say to them. Sometimes I just want to say "that thing you are fighting to change (or refusing to accept) is never going to change" because you know in this moment it would just break their hearts and put them in a tailspin. So you have to let them learn, little by little, the sometimes frustrating realities of military life.

Here are a few examples:

There is a reason there are so many military couples who just eloped. It wasn't because we wanted to get married by a stranger who was in a rush in an hideous courthouse chapel! I planned my wedding for 18 months before we ended up just going to the courthouse to get it done.

Then there is the pipe dream of some day following that up with a "Vow Renewal" with friends and family. I'm still hoping for that and yet staring a bit at the realities that I can't see when or how that is going to happen. I had a really awesome wedding planned and if it never happens I will be sad about it forever. But I have to move on with my life and get over it somehow. Again it's still scheduling that raises it's ugly head and other days it's money to pay for such a thing.

Another is when I hear teen Milso's swear their love is different than all the other teen lovers and they are the ones that are going to beat the odds and make it. Then I hear the constant sadness of the 19, 20, 21-year-old divorced gals with a baby, in a tailspin wondering how this could have ever happened to them. I promise you I wish every one of these couples the best, but despite best efforts, when the odds are against you, you're fighting an uphill battle. Some will thrive through it, some will make it and for some it will be a catastrophic life disaster that will set them on a path they may never recover from. When people older than you say it's tough, they know it from experience. It's okay to listen to them and then use your best judgment. Don't bite the hand that tried to protect you.

Here's another. If you stay in the military it's unlikely life is going to "settle down" or you're going to live near your parents and extended family or buy a house that you'll live in til your grandchildren are coming to visit. Again, hard things to accept.

How about the pipe dream that your house isn't going to be overrun with military gear that never gets put away. There's a good one. I know from my own complaining & tears (being slightly over dramatic but not much) that I'm not the only one in that boat.

The Murphy's Law of Deployment is another one. I'm fairly certain it's inescapable after suffering through a kitchen flood, locking myself out of the house multiple times (which I never have done in my life!), being sick for a month, not being able to sleep & then ending it all with a car accident just before he came home! Don't look for it, don't think about it, but don't be surprised when it happens. Just be ready to handle it.

All of these are PAINFUL to consider and accept. I hope for the exact opposite of all these things for my military SO/spouse sisters, really I do. And I hate when I see these kinds of things happening to them. But I try not to get caught in cynicism but instead wish them very, very well and hope for the best for them.

I guess the best I can do is celebrate their good days and it be ready to console, support and encourage if and when they need it. To be a good big sister, sometimes I just have to keep my mouth closed and let them experience life on their own terms and find their own solutions. But it sure hurts me to watch sometimes.

Reintegration: Returning Warrior Workshop

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Last weekend we attended the Returning Warrior Workshop. You can read all about it here. For a long time I thought this would be a really great experience for my husband and I was really glad to be able to be there and support him.

Once I was there, even though I was happy to be there, I had this intense dread come over me that I didn't want to talk about "our story" or even talk about deployment at all. I've been down that road, no need to revisit it. Sure the road ahead looks hopeful but I don't want to think about or talk about it more than I already have to. I just wanted to be done with it. Enough with revisiting the past year, enough thinking about war, the tears that were shed, the pains that were suffered, and the loneliness that pervaded everything. I didn't want to talk about emotions. I didn't want to talk about r-e-i-n-t-e-g-r-a-t-i-o-n. I'm growing weary of that word and all it's impacts.

My poor husband got there and had a wave of stress, discomfort and frustration come over him. He did not do that well for the workshops the first day. It was tough. By the last session of the day I was in tears and couldn't even go into the class I had chosen to attend. I wiped up my tears and walked back to our room, stopping at the hotel Starbucks to grab a snack and a vanilla bean frappaccino.

Walking into our room alone was just the respite I needed. It was a cave to hide in. I sat and watched the hotel tv promo of all the beautiful hotels they had in all the most amazing cities of the world for over an hour. The music was so peaceful and the escapist travel bug in me felt comforted. At the end of the workshops my husband joined me and we both watched the promo repeatedly. There was something amazingly soothing about it.

Falling asleep for a nap in his arms was the perfect recovery from a long day of hearing, thinking and talking about deployment and reintegration. The evening was a delight with a fantastic meal, recognition for each warriors and their guest, and great company with our new friends we'd made in our group throughout the day.

The next morning flew by quickly with a flurry of workshops and soon we were on our way back home to our regular world and the continued journey through reintegration. It was great to feel we had made so many wonderful connections with our Navy family throughout the weekend. It was a little lonely to return to our world having felt the support and kinship of so many on the same journey. I learned so much from the other warriors who were there and they helped me understand my husband better which I was grateful for.

Even though it was difficult at times, I am so glad we went. Reintegration isn't going away just because I want it to. We're still finding our new normal as everyone calls it. Sending out my sincere thanks to everyone who contributed to a great weekend for us and so many other warrior families.

Being Careful Around Other Men

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One of the things I thought very carefully about before my fiance/husband deployed was being careful around other men. It was obvious to me that it could be very easy to start depending on other men too much or to be too liberal in my attention and closeness with other men while he was away. I learned that this also means after he's returned to when it takes time to reconnect. There is a certain annoyance to the reconnecting process that makes seeking other men's affections seem easier.

I am very loyal to our relationship and would never consider cheating or being disloyal in any way. But it's a slippery slope when you are lonely, your man is far away, other men offer you a sympathetic shoulder or to help you around the house.

I decided to err very far on the side of caution while he was away, because I knew how vulnerable I was to loneliness and how sad I was that he wasn't here with me. Here are a few things I determined I would do or absolutely would not do.

1) I would not have long conversations with other men. I was even careful about doing this with his brother. I tried to keep things simple and straightforward. Communication breeds intimacy and when you are missing the intimacy of your significant other it's easy to seek it out wherever it comes most easily. Getting it from other men I felt was dangerous.

2) I would not get overly involved in social media interactions or texting with other men. Social networking has a way of very quickly creating a false sense of intimacy. I wanted to avoid this. When a man is making you laugh and smile and you feel like he knows you, it's easy to get a little mixed up with the emotions. I think we all have a little alarm that goes off when we've gone a little too far. When you start to question whether something is okay or not, it's easiest to just make that your stepping away point.

3) I would not ask the same male friends for help repeatedly. When I needed help I tried to reach out to a variety of people, rather than the same friend repeatedly. Men are very sympathetic to women in need. It's how they are build. It's very easy to create a feeling of attraction out of a sense of need or of serving someone else. I also didn't want to put any unnecessary expectations on one person, nor did I want to come to rely on one person to an inappropriate extend.

4) I did now share my problems or overly unburden myself to other men. Again men feel a need to help solve problems and when you share your problems they want to help. It creates intimacy.

5) I would not be alone with other men: that's in cars, in my home, in their home, etc. Always in a group, never alone with a member of the opposite sex.

6) I would not give anyone even the slightest impression (by being overly friendly or warm) that I would consider any indiscretions while my husband was away. I know that men will show interest when they are interested, but I often see women in relationships giving every sign they are seeking intimacy or would be willing, who then appear shocked and insulted when  man attempts to act on such emotions. Keep the air very clear about your intentions.

7) I would create a Love Board to help me feel close and connected with my husband. You can read all about it here. I wrote him love letters even on days when he wasn't acting very lovable and I wasn't feeling very loving. It helped keep us close.

8) I would not obsess about my husband's flaws while admiring the talents of other men. It's easy for women to get dreamy and start immortalizing men. It's also easy for women to get hypercritical about their own men, especially when he is far away and one is missing intimacy and hugs and kisses from him. I tried to focus on my husband's strengths in my thoughts of him and my hopes for a strong future together. This wasn't always easy during rough periods, but I clung to it to get me through.

There are many stories about how relationships, marriages and families fall apart during deployments. Some people are just completely unscrupulous. You hear stories about people who act out of complete disregard for their significant other/spouse having outlandish affairs, getting involved in outrageous and dangerous behavior. There is little I could say that will stop that group from their abhorrent destructive behavior.

 Then there are the relationships that get broken because one little thing lead to another and suddenly intimacies had been created that shouldn't have been and people get confused, act, and lives again are ruined. There ideas I shared are for that group of people. For anyone who wants to strengthen their relationship and thrive through deployment I hope these tips can help you stay strong and avoid little indiscretions that can lead to big indiscretions. Great relationships have to be guarded, protected and cared for like great treasures. I hope these ideas will help you find the best way to guard yours.

Reintegration Joy: Tag Team Parenting

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Last night while I was making dinner I was thrilled to hear my husband in the other room instructing our daughter on cleaning up her room. That was one of the hardest tasks I had, and somewhat failed at while he was deployed. There never seemed enough time for me to sit there with her and get it cleaned up. It seemed like I was always making a meal, focused on homework, or some other vital task. I could send her in to clean on her own but it never was quite done to parental standards.

But tag teaming, he could be in there with her while I was cooking dinner or taking care of some other necessity. Later when I walked into her room it looked fantastic. I was thrilled. This is one big blessing of having him home. It's so nice to have someone else who can run to the store, make a phone call, send an email, pay a bill, sign a note and fix problems.

I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated him helping her to clean her room and how challenging that was when I was constantly on the run when he was deployed. It's great to have some back up. Here are a few other things I'm enjoying or will soon be looking forward to.

• Someone else to watch her like a hawk and help her cross the road, parking lot, etc. It's a little stressful trying to keep them safe and alive all the time. It's nice to have another set of hands and eyes to keep watch and walk with her.

• Someone to get to school and pick her up. I am excited about the idea of making plans in the afternoon and not having to rush back mid-afternoon for school pick up if he's available. Yay!

• Back up when she's mopey and floppy and won't step to it when asked to do something. I love getting that support that let's her know that both parents are displeased with her current choice not to act when spoken to.

•  Bedtime help. Now there are two people who can make sure teeth are brushed, tuck in has happened according to her specifications, music has been turned on, nightlight is lit, all that good stuff.

• Someone who can take over when I'm exhausted or not feeling well. What a luxury! Last year it meant keep dragging yourself through the day with no break.

• Someone else who can monitor computer and TV use and remind about book reading and summer school assignments. It's amazing how quickly she can find a way to be staring into a screen if I'm busy doing something. Now there are two sets of eyes to redirect her energies.

Those are just a few of the reasons I love having our Daddy home. I'm going to enjoy every moment of it, because over the past three years we've certainly had a lot of apart time. Remembering how nice these days together are helps keep a positive attitude when I'm waiting for him to come home and gives me something to look forward to.

Stories You Can Relate To From Not Alone

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I've been learning about PTSD lately and thought I'd share with you some of the great resources I've been finding online. First I want to say thank you to all the random people I've called the past few days asking questions. I appreciated their help, even though after a few calls I just didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. It was information overload and it felt like information buckshot flying around my head.

As always, hearing the stories of other military spouses really connected with me the most. So I want to introduce you to NotAlone.Com. It's a gathering place for service members and families to talk about about life after deployment. It's amazing how even words online can be so comforting when you realize that these people understand what you are experiencing and you can connect with their stories.

Yesterday I listened to two interviews from Not Alone Family Stories. Both women shared things that I could intimately relate to like finding yourself planning out what you will do if your spouse dies from the initial two men at the door visit to the funeral. I do believe this is a coping mechanism and although it feels strange, it's a way to plot out and then put away a fear that can gnaw at you. Somehow for we women, if the worst thing in the world happens, if we have a plan, it somehow doesn't haunt us quite so much.

First I read Lily Burana's story. Although I have never been suicidal, I found her story so interesting in how a couple deals with two cases of PTSD in the same house. So much of the beginning of her story I could really relate to, her introduction and isolation from the military culture, her thoughts and feelings as her husband deployed, etc.

Then I read Chaplain's wife, Kristin Henderson's story. Because my husband and I have only done one deployment together, I thought her explanations about how each deployment is different were so interesting. I could relate to a lot of her emotions about deployment, during and after.

There are stories from mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and spouses there, definitely something for everyone. I feel like hearing these stories helped me feel calm today and have faith that we will continue to grow and progress through post deployment. While the road may get bumpy there is complete hope that we can traverse the bumps and come out even better on the other side.

Have you visited Not Alone? Do you have a favorite resource, story or section from there? Have you ever attended one of their online support groups?

Dealing With Relationship Fears During Deployment

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Today I just want to put two things out there to my MilSo friends. First it's totally normal to worry that your relationship will survive deployment. There are relationships that don't survive it. But the vast majority do. But some days those demons will get in your head and not easily let go. My antidote for those fears is this. Be laser focused on living your life the best you can. Be your best you. That way when he does get back, you will be your best yet and he will probably be quite excited about that.

If you've just stewed and fretted the entire time he's gone it's going to be written all over your exhausted face and show in how little you've evolved and grown while he's been gone. The best recipe is to keep working on your fabulousness. (Yes I made that word up and I love it.) Again, these fears happen to everyone but how you deal with them have a huge power over whether your relationships will or won't survive.

Second, there will very likely be days where you really don't know if your relationship will survive. You will very likely have at least one ugly, sad conversation with your significant other that may end in one or the other saying something to that effect. Even though they are deployed and you can't imagine fighting, it will happen. In some phases of deployment it will feel like that's all you do is get into bad conversations. Here's my healing balm for these days. These bad periods usually pass and blissful times return. Don't get too glum. Learn how you can best approach your loved one when these things happen. Sometimes it good to just not talk for a few days. Sometimes it's great to apologize for your little mistakes even if they made bigger ones. When you say sorry to someone for something small they're more likely to apologize to you for what they've done.

This advice does not apply when egregious acts have been done by one or the other partner. I'm not saying stay no matter what. I am saying under normal circumstances small bumps and blowups can resolve themselves over time. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed or over. It can feel like it when you're in the middle of the unhappy stuff. I have learned that the hardest conversations can bring the biggest growth in our relationship.

But know that both these scenarios are very normal. It doesn't mean you're doomed to lose your relationship or that you're crazy. It just means you are going through some very normal things. Take heart and don't get too worried or upset. Just keep focusing on doing your best, being loving and kind. Those simple things will take you a long way and build your confidence and your relationship strength.

Reading: Faith Deployed

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During the first few weeks of deployment I held this book close as a source of inspiration to do a lot of hard things. I have turned to it many times during deployment for a voice to cheer me on, lift me up and carry me forward.

Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement For Military Wives by Jocelyn Green is probably my all time favorite "deployment" read. It is a collection of writings by a variety of military wife authors covering a wide range of topics dealing with deployment. Subjects include living in faith rather than fear, maintaining healthy relationships and avoiding improper ones, building a stronger relationship with Christ and developing Christlike qualities.

I read it through all the way at first and since then often just turned to the table of contents to chose a topic that seems appropriate for the given day. I have been holding it particularly close the past few weeks and even reading it to my husband at night or in the early mornings in bed as a source of mutual inspiration.

Each chapter begins with personal experiences and scriptures regarding the day's topic. Then there are questions to ask oneself and then a prayer at the end of each section. It's a lovely process to go through: the teaching, the self evaluation and the asking for help from God. Beautiful! 

One of the greatest comforts I have gained during our military life is to see that my life in some ways is very similar to other military wives. That has helped me overcome obstacles of frustration and fear. When many others have experienced just what you are experiencing, it makes it all more doable, bearable and less terrible. Sometimes it allows you just to share a mutual laugh rather than let things get to you too much. I appreciate so much the experiences shared by these spiritually minded military spouses.

I was talking about something I read in this book to a friend, who has no associations with the military and she said she wanted to read it because I continue to share with her great inspiration from my reading. It is definitely a book that can inspire anyone and reach anyone in whatever life they lead. I'm going to get it for my friend. I would highly recommend this book to anyone seeking spiritual strength during deployment or in any phase of life.

Jocelyn Green is also a fiction writer and maintains a blog called Faith Deployed. It is a great place to go for more daily inspiration and encouragement. There is also follow up to this book titled Faith Deployed Again: More Daily Encouragement For Military Wives. Here's something very exciting. Jocelyn is co-authoring with Dr. Gary Chapman 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret To Love That Lasts. It will be out September 1, but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. This is a little bit exciting for 5 Love Languages fans!

Are you a fan of 5 Love Languages? Do you have a favorite deployment read to share? I'd love to hear your experiences with military themed readings. Have a great day. Thanks so much for coming by.

Deployment: 10 Blessings In The Silver Lining

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I hear people complain so much about how much deployment sucks. It does, that's a given for a lot of reasons. But I think when people get so hung up on complaining about it they miss the opportunities to grow and improve themselves from the lessons they are learning.

Deployment is not a free pass to be miserable, whiny and grumpy all the time. It's not a time to give up on life and loaf around sad for a year. It's also not a free pass to be a total witch to anyone who dares look at you the wrong way. Sadly I see that sometimes. And as difficult and scary as deployment can be there are still harder, scarier things in life that can happen to you. Now that our deployment is over I appreciate much more the blessing that came to our family as a result of a one-year deployment to the war zone. Here are 10 blessings I received from deployment.

1) I learned to appreciate everything my husband does. The first week my husband was gone I realized he had been taking out a lot of trash every week without me realizing it. I knew he took out the trash but I had no idea how much trash we created and how often he was taking it out. There were a thousand other things like that that I realized I had been taking for granted. I learned to appreciate the big things he does and the little things. We have a stronger relationship now than we have ever had. I attribute that to deployment and to our efforts to make a good effort every day.

2) I learned to love the little things about him more. I realized my husband's great sense of humor keeps our house happy and smiling. He brings a lightness and joviality to the house that we didn't have in the same measure when he was gone. I missed his smile, all his different silly laughs, his goofy voices and him getting the car door for me.

3) I became a stronger person. Deployment requires a level of maturity that requires growth from everyone who goes through it. The deployment curse alone means you're going to have to get through hard things on your own. The strength you get from being "Brave & Strong" every day are a great blessing and confidence builder as you go forward in your life.

4) I learned to be brave and live with fear. Being afraid every day that your loved one will be the victim of a suicide bomber or IED creates a level of constant fear in your life that you have to deal with. At some point I learned to compartmentalize that fear so that I didn't make myself crazy. That has strengthened my "calm" muscles and helped me to realize that whatever comes, no matter what it is, I can find my way through it. All I have to do is deal with the present moment, I don't have to ruin every day worrying about things that haven't happened or may never happen.

5) I made some fantastic friendships both inside and outside of the military. We had some people who really stepped up when they heard my husband was deploying. They are now my special deployment angels and I make sure God knows how much I appreciate them and want Him to bless them. I would be lost without the great advice and shared giggles of other military spouses I have met online. I actually have no "in person" military girlfriends but I have fantastic support network on line who have really helped me in so many ways. Just realizing how similar many of our experiences are and how similar at times our husbands or significant others are is a total crack up and pretty big relief sometimes.

6) I enjoyed a greater closeness with my immediate and extended family. It was great to have a little more time to spend with family. Their support, cheering us on was priceless.

7) I had a little more time to rest. It was nice to have a little more downtime and schedule flexibility than usual. With my husband away, I had less cooking and cleaning duties, fewer time schedules to work around. We ate simply, we planned more outings, I sneaked more naps when I could. While I would always rather have him here, this was a little blessing I took advantage of. Now that he's home I'm on the phone with him multiple times a day arranging schedules, reviewing business and family issues and more. I love having him home, life is just more busy.

8) I learned to let go of things that bothered me and not to worry unnecessarily when things felt rocky. There are some bumpy spots in a relationship that you just know will get better only once they get home. Some days phone calls don't end on a cheery note. I learned to quickly let go of any negative feelings I had after talking with my husband because I knew they were not helpful to me. I knew he was tired, worn out, sleep deprived and in a crazy environment. I knew our situation was a little abnormal. I let a lot of things roll off my back, knowing I didn't need to let them get to me.

9)I gained a greater appreciation for life and all it's blessings. Since my husband came home I have grown to love him in deep ways I had never imagined. My new found understanding of who he is, how great he is for me and the love we have together has astounded me. I feel like that one year of deployment grew our love by ten or more years. I love just seeing him, looking at his face, seeing his grin. My patience and desire to be kind have grown tenfold. I see so much more of him and have such a deeper appreciation for the wonderful man that he is. I enjoy seeing him with fresh eyes and a gentler perspective. I feel the same increased appreciation for family, daily life, and all that we've been blessed with.

10) I gained a greater sense of patriotism and appreciation for America. I appreciate more greatly the sacrifices made by military families through the generations. I am glad to be an American. I love this country. I love the overwhelming appreciation for this country that most military families have. I love patriotism and respect for the flag, our history and our founding fathers. A year of deployment taught me to appreciate these things more.

Does anyone wish for a deployment? No, not likely. While deployment is very difficult in many ways, there are things to appreciate and learn to be grateful for. It's not all miserable, horrible and terrible. It's life and like all phases of life there are things that will be hard and there are great blessings if we look for them.

Okay, your turn. What blessings did you receive during your deployment? How is your life, your relationship, your outlook better from what you learned?

I Am Going Home, He Wrote

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Last week I was passing by one of my husband's piles of things that have not yet found a home since he returned from deployment. On top was an small yellow manila envelope. I easily recognized the written addresses as my handwriting along with three red hearts drawn on the lower right corner, signifying my husband, me and our daughter.

Then I saw something scribbled on the front in red ballpoint pen. It said, "I am going home here!" in all caps with several exclamation points and an arrow pointing to our home address. Above the home address his name had been written in with the same red ink and it was all circled.

Such a simple message but I imagined the depth of feeling behind the few words written. I wondered why he had written this. Had he written in it on a day when he was particularly homesick? Had he been scared and needed the encouragement? Was he writing this message to cheer himself on? Was this a shout to the Gods demanding that he would make it? Was it near the end and was this his way of giving the middle finger to deployment?

I know that if I asked him I would probably never get a straight answer. He might be a little embarrassed that I saw it, I'm not sure. In a way I prefer never knowing exactly why he did. But I love that he did. I love that home meant so much and that coming home meant so much - that he was looking forward to it with a level of enthusiasm that required bunches of exclamation points.

My man, like so many other men, particularly military men, is not a man who gushes emotional sentiments. But I know in his heart he is vastly more feeling, emotional and complicated than he would ever let on. I like seeing little glimpses of that part of him along the path of our daily lives. I love that envelope and I am going to make sure we save it.

I Want To Be A Military Grade Wife

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Today I have to pass along a link to this fantastic article from SpouseBuzz yesterday by Kim Kapacziewski titled What I Learned About True Love From A Wounded Warrior. Her story is pretty amazing.

The article is a fantastic primer on being a good wife, on being a good military wife. The lessons she talks about are what make a marriage last and survive tough times - and create amazing people. Of all the fantastic inspiration in the article, one thing really stood out to me as a military wife.

Her husband Joe gave her the best compliments when he described her. He said of his wife, "The girl was long-haul material. She had the 'right stuff'. Kim was Ranger quality." Now these are not the most romantic, flowery words a man could say about a woman, but they speak volumes about the kind of woman his wife is and the kind of woman who makes a good military wife.

It got me thinking, Am I military grade? Am I Ranger quality? (My husband actually was a Ranger before switching branches before I met him). When I think of military grade equipment I recognize it as tougher, stronger, more durable than every day stuff. Think of the laptop and phone cases that are military grade. They can be dropped, banged up and knocked over and they stay in one piece and protect the important stuff.

Am I the kind of woman who does not fall apart when I get bounced around and banged up by life? Do I put fear aside and do the right thing anyway? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish our family's missions? Do I do everything I can to protect the important, breakable stuff like my marriage, my family and my husband's feelings? I want to be military grade. My husband is and I want to be his partner in every way. So I'm taking this to heart and thinking about things that I can do to be a "military grade wife".

I can already see that in some areas I have done a great job, others I have done acceptably and in a couple I need serious improvement. I'm setting this as my new mantra "I am a military grade wife" and I am going to start thinking of it in those terms. I'm taking myself to my own little Military Wife Boot Camp and breaking down my weak spots so I can build myself up better, faster and stronger. I want to show my husband that he can trust me in ever way and that I am indeed "Military Grade Quality."

Have you ever thought about being "military grade"? What does that mean to you and how do you put it into play in your relationship and family?

My Husband & I: The New Terminator Team

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Long story short, my husband and I found ourselves at an arcade on a very rainy night recently. It had been a super stressful day and there had been a lot of tension, even though we were both really trying hard to get through it with some grace.

This was a pretty small arcade. We weren't up for attempting to grab a stuffed animal out of a rigged machine. Some of the games didn't even work. So we somehow ended up at a two-player Terminator game.

We ripped it UP! I don't know what it was but that plastic arcade game gun felt good in my hands and it felt good to blow away some bad robots from the future. We worked really well together and were blowing things up left and right. My husband is an expert ranked marksman, which I am only now really beginning to appreciate. I had no idea that military qualification could be so much fun in an arcade.

There was an excitement and sense of power to reload and start shooting again. To cover for each other when one ran out of ammunition and to occasionally get a chance to launch a grenade. Looking back now I see a very real allegory in our experience about how we work together to defend our marriage, our family and push forward to our future. But at the time it was pure fun to burn off pent up stress and energy. And I did pretty well for a girl who knows very little about guns. I aimed, I shot, I blew up bad guys. All the while my husband was yelling instructions to me. "Go for the heads, go for the heads!....You have a grenade, use it....Okay, right now you only have a shotgun."

At the end my husband mentioned, somewhat humbly (I say that laughing) that he really had my back and helped me out a lot. While I think I held my own pretty darn well for the girl that I am, all I could think was, "Of course you did, you big stud. And I wouldn't have it any other way!"

I could have played that game with him for hours. But at arcade rates, after a few "continue playing" extravagances we stopped and forced our way back to the real world. But it was so much fun, such a great stress relief, kinda hot and looking back a great lesson about what a dynamic duo we are in the game world and even better in the real world.

No One Is Sailing Through Reintegration Babe

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The Reintegration journey we are on surely has been interesting. So many awesome highs and a few pretty depressing lows. It's unbelievable how much work it takes to put your entire life on hold to leave for deployment. Undoing it all and even just being able to remember what you did a year ago to set everything up to leave, even if you kept good records, is mind-blowing. Then there are never-ending decisions to be made about the future, the exhaustion and the emotions all over the place.

I have to say I am so proud of my husband. He has impressed the socks off me in his efforts the past few weeks. Has everything been perfect and easy, hell no. Has he gotten frustrated, been exhausted and struggled? Sure, or course he has. But he has amazed me at how hard he tries, how loving, patient and forgiving he has been and how he's tried to put the principles he learned in the post deployment/reintegration training to use in his life and with our family.

He on the other hand is not so impressed. He thinks he should be accomplishing tons more, full of energy, and perfect at every turn. Last night we had a talk about that and I felt strongly that I needed to remind him that no one is sailing through reintegration easily. Everyone is having their struggles. I imagine there are some who came home to find out one of the spouses was cheating or planning to leave the marriage. Others came home to other hardships we can only imagine and thank our lucky stars are not happening to us. I am sure no one is finding reintegration and recovery to be as easy as they believed they could make it if they just tried hard enough.

I can say that our relationship has really grown due to reintegration. We work together better than we ever have, our communication is more open and generous. We seem to take a lot less for granted, enjoy our friendship more and we are kinder and gentler with each other than we even were before. That is awesome, because we are a good team. We are really enjoying each other. Early this morning, with the sun glaring in my eyes, waking me up, I looked over at him sleeping peacefully next to me and just got the biggest smile on my face. I find him ridiculously cute, which is funny considering I went totally against type when I started dating him. As I lay there in bed I  jubilantly thought - He is here. He's with me. I love him! He loves me. Hooray!

It's good to remind our loved ones that reintegration takes a certain pace, it can't be rushed. And that everyone is having to find their new normal. No one came home to easy street with everything just as they left it and no challenges. I was grateful to have the chance to remind my dear husband that this is a marathon, it is not a sprint. You can't sprint a marathon and there is no way possible that he could ever have his entire life reconstituted in a mere 30 days. Just as pre-deployment takes a long, long time, reintegration requires a similar amount of time to move through. When it comes to reintegration the phrase "Slow and steady wins the race" seems like a pretty great motto.

The Barrage of "Why Didn't You Just" Questions

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Here's one right out of all the best deployment handbooks - When a service member returns from deployment they should refrain from repeatedly questioning their partner about why they did things they way they did. This can range from how one handled the checkbook, took care of the cars, raised the kids, moved the furniture, took care of themselves - oh there are just thousands of possibilities here.

I'm not sure why, but people in a deployed war zone seem to imagine the rest of us with nothing much to do, no stress, no financial worries, abundant amounts of time to get anything needed or wanted done and always feeling like a million bucks. They don't seem to get that the worry about them alone is enough to kill every one of us from a heart attack or stroke!!! Am I right?! They don't see that we don't sleep well the entire time they are gone, often have kids waking us up in the middle of the night.

They seem to forget that we have kids climbing on us 24-hours a day. The great part about that one is that it's a rude awakening when they get home. Huge amounts of kid energy bombarding them is a real humbling moment for them when they realize how exhausting it is after just a few minutes when you've been doing it alone for a year. They seem to forget that we have three meals to put on the table every day by ourselves and have limited amounts of time and energy to spend on the phone with insurance companies, doctors, lawyers, repairmen, banks, schools and airlines.  

I was ready for this one. Remember, I'd read all the books! But even then I still felt pretty defensive when questioned repeatedly, the first few days about how I handled things for A YEAR while he was away. (Let't not forget here that he was away for most of the two years before that as well.) I tried a variety of approaches all of which didn't satisfy him and made me feel like a little kid trying to come up with some reason to not be in the dog house. When in reality I didn't think I'd done anything wrong in the first place. No I hadn't done everything perfectly while he was gone, but by hell, the ship was still afloat and we were all still alive and the house was clean when he got here.

There is no way to ask "Why didn't you just ___" without it sounding like a put down - as if any moron could have done it better than you did. I think they think they are helping because they believe their idea would've made life easier for you. Unfortunately again that implies you made a poor choice that wore you out more than it needed to. Insulting again.

Finally, about the third or fourth day he was home I'd had enough of all the Monday Morning quarterbacking. In a moment of sheer frustration or perhaps inspiration I turned to him and said, "I can't changed anything about how I handled our home life during your deployment. It's too late now. I did the best I could do. Questioning me about how I did everything now, my dear man, is a one-way ticket to hell for you, for me and for all of us. No good can come of this."

He looked at me and said, "You're right. You're right." And that was the end of it. We have not had that conversation again since. It was amazing how he just let it go. I was seriously impressed! Sometimes you get lucky and find just the right words to diffuse a situation permanently. Whew! And now we return to our regularly scheduled blissful reintegration. I love him even more for choosing the best outcome for me, himself and our family!