Alcohol: A Fast Way To Wreck Your Life

I want to encourage you to take alcohol out of your life. I know for some this is the equivalent of me saying something like get rid of your cell phone or your car. For many alcohol is a part of every day life and every social event. It is completely socially acceptable....but it is a socially acceptable addictive drug. One that dulls the mind, reduces one's ability to think clearly and make rational decisions.

It brings on feelings of sadness, depression, anger and rage. And yet for some reason it is totally legal although it has had more influence for destruction in the lives of families than any other addictive substance in history. If you want a clear picture of this, talk to any child of an alcoholic. I know several and the life-long effects of their parents use of alcohol is never ending and highly destructive.

If you think I overstate my case, begin looking at articles about service members with PTS who have committed serious crimes and are now in prison. Almost every story involves heavy drinking and moments of absolutely disastrous judgment. Look at incidences of domestic violence within and without the military. Many if not most are alcohol driven.

Sadly, once the "calming, good time effect" of the alcohol has worn off, the reality of decisions made under the influence are impossible to avoid. Here is a story that illustrates just that, how one service member with PTS, after a long night of drinking, lost control, almost lost his life, almost took the lives of several other people and in the end lost his marriage too -- and then went to prison for eight years -- all for one stupid night of "fun."

I think the unfortunate thing is that this story only focuses on PTS as if that is what caused this service member to go off the rails. The PTS may have lead him to drink more but I am convinced it was the alcohol that lead him to the disastrous actions that ruined his life that dark night.

It is a proven fact that alcohol brings on feelings of desperation, sadness, fear and rage. All demonstrated in his actions that night. Anyone who has ever been to a college party or a bar can attest to all of these realities.

Alcohol is not all fun and games. It's not a great way to destress, unwind or spend time with friends. If you do drink socially often, think about how many times you've seen friends or couples break down into ridiculous arguments or fights after drinking for a while. How often do fights have to be broken up or contention arises that would not happen were alcohol not involved.

I see to damaging effects of alcohol too often in my military social network feeds. Too many break ups, too many fights, too many hangovers and far too many people bragging about how much "fun" they are having getting really plastered. And then they wonder why their lives are so unstable, their relationships broken and emotions so dark and hopeless.

Drinking is bad for your body and your safety (do I even need to bring up DUIs or the possibility of killing someone else while driving under the influence?)

Alcohol is damaging to relationships, to marriages, to children. When you're drunk, your kids are not drunk and they see and remember everything you may not the next morning. They are embarrassed and worried even when they see you start getting loud and silly when you have a slight buzz going. They are scared of you when they see you are not acting like your normal responsible self. It's terrifying to them and they learn not to trust you.

If you are a military spouse or service member or anyone who drinks, consider how you are using alcohol in your life. If you know someone with PTS be very alert to how they are using alcohol and if you have the chance, encourage them to avoid it at all costs. It is also important to be aware they may be mixing medication for PTS treatment with alcohol which is even more dangerous.

Reconsider how you use this powerful, addictive drug in your life. You can live without it and letting go of it has zero harmful effects. You will feel and be more healthy, see your life more clearly, make better long lasting decisions and genuinely have more happiness in your life.

A Great Experience at NMFA Operation Purple Camp

Earlier this summer we had the chance to attend the National Military Family Association Operation Purple Camp. What an amazing experience. I would recommend if you're eligible to get your applications in now for upcoming Operation Purple Family Retreats and Operation Purple Healing Adventures. There is also Operation Purple Camp just for military kids.

The setting was Jackson Hole, Wyoming and Grand Teton National Park. What an amazing place to spend every day for a week. The landscapes were just unbelievably breathtaking. The Teton Science Camp, where the camp took place, was lovely. The program was super well organized and the staff at all levels was top notch professional, friendly and kind. The lodging facilities were great too. Comfortable beds, nice rooms with ensuite bathrooms.

Even more amazing is that the food at the camp was fantastic. You don't generally expect that any place that is feeding masses of people, particularly at a mountain camp. Everyone was full and happy after every meal and every meal pleased the crowds.

We saw all kinds of amazing animals including bison, moose, caribou, deer, antelope, bald eagles, beavers, sandhill cranes and so many more. We hiked, canoed, river rafted, watercolor painted in nature and did a service project in the national park too.

The best part of the camp was that we were grouped with two other families who had kids the same age as ours. This worked out so fantastically. The kids had an amazing fun time from the moment they met up in the morning until they were shipped off to bed every night. In fact they had so much fun that it was pretty tough to get them up at the 6:30 a.m. wake up call every morning. They needed more sleep.

Our three families were so compatible and we ended up making friendships that are so precious to us now. Because we don't live near any military families, thanks to Operation Purple Family Retreat we have close military family friends now. I really appreciate that! Amazing. Did not expect that to happen but what a gift.

It's was wonderful to have had time to talk and share and learn from each other's experiences. We also had the opportunity to participate in workshops put on by FOCUS (Families Overcoming Under Stress), which focused on resiliency, self and family care in the military family environment. It was great to get couples and families together to talk about such important issues that are a challenge to the military community at large.

Can I just take a moment to say if you are a military family who is struggling, there is so much help out there. Don't suffer in silence. You can contact me if you want and I will help you get connected with the right people. But please don't suffer in silence when things could be so much better.

It was tough to say goodbye and boy do we miss our friends! But I think we'll remember for a lifetime the great experiences we had at Operation Purple Family Retreat in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Thanks National Military Family Association and everyone who has contributed to the success of this program.

If you're able, may I suggest a donation, big or small, to this great organization that is doing so much to strengthen the military families of the United States. These families have sacrificed a lot for our nation.

Flexing The Military Spouse Muscles

Boy was I channeling all you fellow military spouses and significant others on Friday night as I packed up a huge carload of stuff to take to storage by myself, including trying to figure out how to get a kid's bike in the car which seemed nearly impossible.

Already tired from a long day and ten days of the husband out of town, I put the kiddo bed. Then I started surveying the zone of boxes I had gathered from emptying out a closet here in the house, along with a few big storage bags of goodies my husband brought back from Afghanistan. I think I've mentioned here how he went overboard a little bit on scarves and such. Instead of thinking of what he spent I try translate that into how much it means he was missing us and thinking of us.

Because I had moved so many times before I met my husband, I have learned to be a great packer and organizer. I can fit an amazing amount of stuff in a car, using up every inch possible. I took a mountain of boxes and fit them into a very small sporty 4-door, which would get me the best gas mileage to drive to base to our storage.

Speaking of which, can I just tell you about what happened when we were on base a couple of weeks ago planning to go to our storage units. It was Sunday afternoon and when I went to the area where all the storage containers were they were all gone. The MWR decided to just move them all without ever saying anything to anyone. I called the base security office and they had no idea they had been moved and were none too happy that this had all happened without them being told. We're talking about an entire portable storage area being moved without alerting the renters of all the units or base security. I was not happy and of course the MWR is not open on Sundays. So I left an annoyed message. (By the way they never called me back.) I can only imagine how much angrier I would've been had I been moving and come to base expecting to put all my stuff in a moving van and leave the next morning for a PCS or other move.

When you are talking about a space the size of a military base, those units could've been moved a million places that I would never be able to find. I took fifteen minutes and did a quick drive around base and found several pods of storage units none of which were ours. After talking to my husband who was not near base at the time, I gave up. We imagined that the units were somewhere in the dark, hidden, mystery regions of base that one would never see just driving down the road.

So I decided to just go get gas and make the long trip home without ever getting to our units. As I pulled up to get gas, I looked straight ahead of me across the gas station into the old used car/motor home parking area and there were rows and rows of storage units. After I filled up with gas I eagerly drove the short distance, jumped out of my car and started row by row through a good quarter acre of units stacked in no particular order, even though every container is alphabetically labeled & numbered.

They were all stacked in alphabetical and numerical order in the old space, so it wouldn't have been too tough to just put them down as they were picked up and have them be in some semblance of order. But I must remind myself, this is the military, order and logic, while generally very useful, are not always initially put into play. Finally in the middle of the great parking lot of storage units I found our units and gained access to them. Soon I was on the freeway and headed home trying to beat traffic. Thank you providence for leading me to those units.

Anyway, I made the big trip again on Saturday. I was going to be alone all day, and I realized what better day to get all that done with no distractions (aka husband and kid). So I packed up the car Friday night and then got up early and made the drive and then of course had to reorganize the units completely to get everything to fit properly and in an orderly fashion. My husband was the last to take anything out or add anything and there is such a huge waste of space going on that I can hardly handle it. The two closet size units were really only half full.

I took the wheel off the old bike to get it to fit into the trunk. Hooray. That was a major win for me at about midnight Friday night. Once the car was full and I had put back everything I had pulled out to get the boxes out, I still had several loads of laundry to fold. So I put on HGTV online episodes and tried to relax and get the house cleaned up a bit before my long, long day. 

When I rearranged the two closet-size storage units and added the carload of stuff I had brought with me, they were still only each half full...okay maybe they are each two-thirds full now. But there is still a lot of space and I am looking forward to getting another carload of stuff out of here soon. Hello open space! So I aim to get our money's worth going forward and fill those babies up. I also got rid of a lot of stuff during the week while my husband was out of town and angel girl was at school. That is definitely the best time to throw things away, while they aren't watching.

After I finished up at the storage unit, I forced myself to take a break and wander the NEX. Unfortunately I found a really cute pair of sandals in my "hard-to-find" size and I couldn't say no. I should write a post on things we won't tell my husband which include the fact that I've picked up FIVE pairs of sandals in the 10 days he's been away. But total price was under $100 so that is pretty awesome - plus my size will be sold out and there won't be much available the rest of the summer, so it's awesome to know I have a great selection for the entire summer.

I had lunch at the Food Court while reading the base events magazine then despite the blustery, "might rain" weather I popped over to the carwash. I was horrified when I climbed into the back seat to see what a mess our kiddo has made back there. The things I found under the car seat. Ugh. So I vacuumed for a good 20 minutes, every inch of the car with low suction (boo). Then I decided what the heck I'll wash the car too. That felt good and when I was done I sent a flirty "I just vacuumed and washed your car" text to my husband who's coming home to day. 

Looking at my weekend, It's amazing what I can get done when I'm alone. I remember my single days when I used to be so hyper effective, my house was always spotless and I got tons done in the evenings and on weekends and was only half as tired as I am now. But I was only half as full of love back then when I didn't have this delicious little family. Now I am overflowing with all the love I get, so, hey it's worth it -- messier house, kid-destroyed car interiors, overflowing amounts of stuff and all.

As I was doing all of this muscle moving, I was thinking of all of you, who have moved so many time, sometimes by yourself, and who do so many challenging things that it would be nice to have a man around for. In this life our "be independent" muscles are never going to get weak, are they?! I'm glad I can still carry heavy loads on my own.

Just having to do it once in a while reminds me to be grateful for my husband and all he does and to be grateful that I'm "military grade" strong enough to handle all the sometimes tough stuff military life brings my way. Saluting all you "military grade" ladies for all you do, so often with no fanfare or notice. You are amazing. Thanks for being in it with me!

image via mca

Forgetting Afghanistan

image via AP/Rahmat Gul

A year ago right now my husband was in Afghanistan and we were Skyping or talking to him on the phone from there several times a week. Checking the newswires for stories about anything going on there was a twice daily event, once in the morning and once before going to bed. Because of the twelve hour time difference, if there was any big daytime event happening there the news generally broke between ten and eleven at night our time. Not the best time of day to read scary news!

Now a year later, Afghanistan and news of the war there has slipped away from our daily conversations and my husband and I are not so up on what is happening there. Sometimes I read or hear things and have mixed emotions about telling him about them, knowing he may know the people and places vividly. I envisioned that we would stay as passionate about our commitment to awareness and those still serving there and suffering there, but in reality, life takes over and our energies have to go elsewhere.

That comes with mixed emotions and a little bit of perhaps poorly placed guilt. We cannot possibly continue to live in the heightened state of awareness and anxiety which we lived in while he was deployed. But it feels a little traitorous to move on with life and not agonize and pray every day for the safety of those deployed there and their families just like we did for our own service member and our own family. We've done war zone deployment, we know intimately how hard it is. Moving on and forward with our lives with those thoughts is difficult. How dare I not feel just as worried sick about others as I was about my own.

But somehow that is not possible and perhaps there is a time and a place, a season for everything. Maybe my season is not to agonize over Afghanistan and our deployed there right now. Their families perhaps have taken our spots in that realm. Maybe right now we are taking the spots of others who have moved on from reintegration, post deployment stress and all the transitions and uncertainty that come with that which we are currently experiencing. That is enough for our plates right now, I will say that.

Perhaps my place in all this now is to keep praying for our deployed service members and the people of Afghanistan and to keep praying for my family, all families and our country too. We served and learned great lessons and at times suffered greatly through our deployment. I know many others have before us. There is a kinship there and even if we are not all at the same heightened state of awareness and involvement. I do believe with all my heart, that we are all as one in the place of love and best wishes for our service members, their families and the freedom seeking people of Afghanistan.

We are here for you and for each other in whatever phase we may be, to bless with whatever experiences we may have to offer that may be helpful. We have not forgotten our deployed and their families, yet out of necessity we have moved to new phases. But we are always with you in spirit and in any other way we can step up to serve and offer a watchful, caring eye. I prayed for you today.

Five Small But Massive Lessons From Last Year

image via MS

It's hard to believe it's already been a year since we first started getting excited that our Daddy was coming home from Afghanistan for R and R. Amazing how quickly time flies by. I am already looking forward to saying goodbye to 2013 and welcoming 2014 with open arms.

So far 2013 has been probably the most difficult and challenging year ever for me. It has really stretched me in so many ways. But I have learned a few things along the way that are really crucial to my personal development and have made me a stronger woman.

Here are a few:

1) Patience: There is nothing like deployment and post-deployment stress to teach you patience. You can't have what you want all the time just because you want it. Learning to postpone gratification is a tricky lesson. I hope I'm getting a little better at this all the time. I find that in some ways I am more patient after deployment and in some ways I am a little less patient. Trying to find the middle ground.

2) Tolerance: Boy has this been a challenging issue. I don't know what my husband went through during deployment and I don't have control over him. I have to let him work through his process on his own. I can't make things be the way I want them to be and I have to accept him the way he is for now and just pray for him and try to be supportive.

3) Love: I love my little family even more than ever. Suffering deepens love. Missing them deepens love. Being reunited and seeing us all together deepens love.

4) Humility: I have had to swallow my pride a lot of times this year. I have had to apologize for losing my cool a lot of times this year. I have had to accept that I am dealing with a lot of things I don't know much about and that ways I've successfully managed things in the past won't always work for every situation or in the future. Humility sandwich for one please.

5) Courage: I don't know how many times in the past two years I have had to manage situations full of fear that I have no control over but it has been many, many, many! Learning to live in the present moment, let go of fear and trust God has been a massive undertaking. I do live in more courage now, but it doesn't mean I don't face fears nearly daily and have to keep working at it.

A short list but a massive one. I'm off to work on more goals today. I am looking forward to a new year and great things to come and knowing that I carry with me new skills to meet new challenges that will come.

How about you? What major lessons have you learned from your military life? Are there any of these that are particularly heavy in your life right now?

Thanks For Coming Home In One Piece

DoD photo by Staff Sgt. Michael L. Casteel, U.S. Army

It's been a challenging few weeks to say the least.. I never quite realized what a let down it would be for a deployed service member to dream about coming home to their families for a year and then to come home and realize life is full of mundane pains in the ass like bills, broken down cars, driving kids around town in traffic, leaking pipes, buying groceries, paying for insurance, dealing with financial institutions,  going to the doctor and so many other things that can suck the joy right out of adult life. It is definitely a let down. I don't blame them for feeling this way but it can be hard on a family.

In other news, wanted to share an experience we had the other day. We were cleaning up the dining room and he picked up a box I didn't recognize. It was about the half the width of a deck of cards and maybe twice as thick. He mumbled something about it, I looked up, didn't recognize it and continued on. Moments later I realized it was a piece of military gear.

"What was that," I asked. He said the name of it again and I didn't quite hear it or maybe just didn't understand his "military-ese." "It's a strobe locator. It flashes up to 20-25 miles away. I it got so that if we went down in the mountains..." He didn't finish his sentence. "Hey," I said, as tears started welling up in my eyes. "Hey, look at me," I said. He had his head down then looked up. "Thank you for coming home," I said. He nodded and turned away to finish up the task he was on.

That was all that needed to be said. It was yet another painful reminder of where he was a year ago, the constant danger he lived in and the constant fear for his safety that I lived with. It was good to be reminded to be grateful he is here, despite the challenges of reintegration. Those problems seemed to minimize when I was reminded of where he was and all we have to be grateful for.

Sometimes You Can't Tell MilSos The Truth

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Sometimes I see MilSOs online sharing their frustration about hard things they are battling and I know I just can't say what I would really like to say to them. Sometimes I just want to say "that thing you are fighting to change (or refusing to accept) is never going to change" because you know in this moment it would just break their hearts and put them in a tailspin. So you have to let them learn, little by little, the sometimes frustrating realities of military life.

Here are a few examples:

There is a reason there are so many military couples who just eloped. It wasn't because we wanted to get married by a stranger who was in a rush in an hideous courthouse chapel! I planned my wedding for 18 months before we ended up just going to the courthouse to get it done.

Then there is the pipe dream of some day following that up with a "Vow Renewal" with friends and family. I'm still hoping for that and yet staring a bit at the realities that I can't see when or how that is going to happen. I had a really awesome wedding planned and if it never happens I will be sad about it forever. But I have to move on with my life and get over it somehow. Again it's still scheduling that raises it's ugly head and other days it's money to pay for such a thing.

Another is when I hear teen Milso's swear their love is different than all the other teen lovers and they are the ones that are going to beat the odds and make it. Then I hear the constant sadness of the 19, 20, 21-year-old divorced gals with a baby, in a tailspin wondering how this could have ever happened to them. I promise you I wish every one of these couples the best, but despite best efforts, when the odds are against you, you're fighting an uphill battle. Some will thrive through it, some will make it and for some it will be a catastrophic life disaster that will set them on a path they may never recover from. When people older than you say it's tough, they know it from experience. It's okay to listen to them and then use your best judgment. Don't bite the hand that tried to protect you.

Here's another. If you stay in the military it's unlikely life is going to "settle down" or you're going to live near your parents and extended family or buy a house that you'll live in til your grandchildren are coming to visit. Again, hard things to accept.

How about the pipe dream that your house isn't going to be overrun with military gear that never gets put away. There's a good one. I know from my own complaining & tears (being slightly over dramatic but not much) that I'm not the only one in that boat.

The Murphy's Law of Deployment is another one. I'm fairly certain it's inescapable after suffering through a kitchen flood, locking myself out of the house multiple times (which I never have done in my life!), being sick for a month, not being able to sleep & then ending it all with a car accident just before he came home! Don't look for it, don't think about it, but don't be surprised when it happens. Just be ready to handle it.

All of these are PAINFUL to consider and accept. I hope for the exact opposite of all these things for my military SO/spouse sisters, really I do. And I hate when I see these kinds of things happening to them. But I try not to get caught in cynicism but instead wish them very, very well and hope for the best for them.

I guess the best I can do is celebrate their good days and it be ready to console, support and encourage if and when they need it. To be a good big sister, sometimes I just have to keep my mouth closed and let them experience life on their own terms and find their own solutions. But it sure hurts me to watch sometimes.

How Does He Do It?

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Sometimes I look at the things my husband accomplishes for his work and I don't know how he does it. Ridiculously long days, going without decent meals, tedious trainings and uncomfortable travel.

Saturday night I stayed up with him all night, after he'd worked all day. My Saturday has been significantly less rigorous. He was working on a brief he had to present at 0700 hours Sunday morning and after that he had a PT test -- he'd be doing all this on no sleep.

I don't know how he made it through. I am amazed at his strength. Men have an ability to just keep pushing through that truly amazes me. Some days when I see what he survives it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know how he does it. But I love him to bits for his sacrifices. I know he doesn't do it because it's fun most of the time. I know he doesn't work so hard because it's always fulfilling and interesting. He does it for our family. He's a good man.

I think men need more praise for all they do in service to the ones they love. Women often get high praise for their efforts but I think it's about time we truly recognized the god-given strengths of men and all they bring to our lives. Thank you sweetheart!

The "He Said He'd Call" Tantrum

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It often gets me thinking when I hear MilSos express how annoyed they are when their other half doesn't call. I totally understand the desire for the call and it certainly can be frustrating when they can call you but you can't call them when you want to. I get the desire to want to spend time with them and want to hear their voices. I know the loneliness. But sometimes it just sounds very immature particularly when the other half is in a war zone, on a ship, working long shifts every day and calling is not always easy.

Here are a few reasons to consider that explain why he might not call:

1) He's worked a 12-hour shift and it was really crummy. He's allowed to be exhausted. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. His number one job is to hold himself together for his unit. That means he has to take care of himself and keep himself rested and well, which is nearly impossible to do most of the time.

2) Due to situations beyond his control he does not have any private place where he can call.

3) The situation may have changed at work and the time he thought he would be free is no longer free to him.

4) He might be missing home too much to call. Sometimes it hurts to be away more than he wants to discuss or feel.

5) He may be taking a little time to have a little fun. This doesn't always come at the perfect time, but I think they should be entitled to have fun with coworkers when it presents itself. Sometimes that might mean they have to bump a call. But again it's no knock against you.

6) Maybe his stress level is high and he doesn't want to pass that on to you. Or he just can't hear any more about your problems and complaints about the distance. There isn't much he can do to help and sometimes it becomes overwhelmingly frustrating to hear it and not be able to help.

7) Maybe he's giving you space to stand on your own and be more independent. Sometimes we gals can get a little too dare I say "desperate" sounding with our I Miss Yous and Why Aren't You Here With Mes. Sometimes we need the space to step up to the plate.

8) There may be an emergency situations. That could mean communications blackouts, they are on a last minute mission, there has been an incident they have to be totally focused on or something else that is critical they focus on. Being at home pouting and stomping our feet because we didn't get a call seems particularly embarrassing in this scenario!

I know there are other very valid reasons why they don't call some days. The key is to not take it personally or get overly worked up about it. Don't let it wreck your whole day. He's just one person, it's just one call. There are plenty of other great interactions and good things we can incorporate into a day. Part of growing up and getting older is to find balance in relationships, how we use our time, what we focus our thoughts on.

While calls are pretty fantastic and awesome, our lives shouldn't totally revolve around them. Surely we have more good we can bring to the world if we focus some of our time and thoughts elsewhere during the day. Men want to be with women more when they feel it's not demanded or necessary to keep the woman pulled together. A little independence is a very sexy thing and that allows us to be fabulous rather than annoying when they do have time to call. And I think that means they'll do more to try to call more often when they get lovely on the other end, instead of "WHERE WERE YOU!" or "I WAITED FOR HOURS FOR YOU!" screeched at them first thing.

It's great you can communicate, even multiple times a day. But if you have to go a day or a few days you will be okay. Buck up and make great things happen for you while you wait.

The He's Home Everyone! Syndrome

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A lesson learned during the reintegration process. Don't have big expectations about making plans, socializing and spending time with other people once your man returns from deployment. Here's what I've learned from my man about being around other people and reintegration:

• He is super tired and does not have a lot of stamina for planned events. Never wants to go when it's time to leave and doesn't want to stay long. Plan accordingly and lower your own expectations.

• Crowds tend to make him anxious and he starts getting on edge. He's used to being on alert all the time, when you throw him into a busy environment, his spidey senses feel like they are on overdrive...and remember how tired he is. Bad combo!

• While you're excited to let people see that he's home, he may feel like he's being paraded around. I have avoided this and yet I still get that complaint even when we just go to church, etc. Situations where people will make a fuss over his return should be gently entered in to. He might be just fine once he gets there or he may not be able to handle it. Gauge the situation and be supportive.

• Give him small opportunities to get to know and bond with people who have been your big supporters while he's been gone. Introduce him, tell him why it meant a lot to you and then let him chat with them on his own.

• Anticipate that he may fall asleep in church, a movie, or anywhere you go. Again, he didn't get a decent night's sleep for the past year. Any time he feels he is in a safe and peaceful place his body will likely shut down for desperately needed rest.

• Even if he suggests or makes social plans, when it's time to execute the plans he may not want to go at all and be grumpy. Don't make any plans that you can't easily excuse yourselves from without a lot of explanation.

• Avoid loud noises. Even just hearing me doing the dishes can be a little jarring for my husband right now. Be mindful of places where there is a lot of noise that might rattle him that wouldn't even garner notice by you. Be sensitive to his rattled senses and emotions.

• Try to let him take the lead on activities he feels up to doing. When I pushed and pushed for him to go with me to an activity that was really important to me it didn't go too well. We got there late and ended up leaving early and I felt the whole night was worse than if we'd not gone at all.

• Appreciate and recognize ebbs and flows. Some days things might not bother him much at all and other days they might feel like a ton of bricks hitting him. Know that some days will be better than others and anticipate that how he feels will change from day to day.

• Be patient. Reintegration is a whirlwind. Some days are amazingly happy and other days can be terrifyingly difficult. Do whatever you can to lighten his load and to work together as you go forward. There will be time for friends and fun, just don't rush it. Be willing for forego some of your fun to stand by his side.

What have you learned from your reintegration experience about reintegrating into your social life? I'd love to hear your wisdom!

Beautiful Bathroom With The Toilet Seat Up

image via 7294 Cottage Way

Yesterday morning my husband woke up early but I lounged in bed for a few minutes after he got up. So comfortable and relaxed I found myself just staring across the bedroom towards the bathroom.

The bathroom looked so nice in the early morning light. Above the window was a window treatment I had made, on the window ledge were two sweet little framed art pieces I also made. On the wall was a gorgeous metal mirror framed with painted flowers that I bought at a fabulous home store for an exorbitant price many years ago. A bright striped shower curtain in all my favorite colors hung from the shower stall, with a nice, large shaggy rug on the floor. Then I saw it....the toilet seat was left up.

Oh the horror. Did my muscles tense up. Did I march across the room and slam the lid down loud enough that he would hear it wherever he was in the house. No. I actually thought "Well isn't that beautiful TOO! That's a GREAT sign. He's home. He's here. I am so lucky."

Toilet seat, smoilet seat. I have an awesome husband and he is here, home safe after a one-year deployment. I am so lucky. What's putting a toilet seat down a couple of times a day to that?!

Actually is seems that there is quite an international debate about whether toilet seats should be left up or down. I'll leave that up to you to decide for your household, but I for one am going to forget about trying to fix this one and just enjoy that it's a sign that my darling husband is here, good etiquette or not.

The Barrage of "Why Didn't You Just" Questions

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Here's one right out of all the best deployment handbooks - When a service member returns from deployment they should refrain from repeatedly questioning their partner about why they did things they way they did. This can range from how one handled the checkbook, took care of the cars, raised the kids, moved the furniture, took care of themselves - oh there are just thousands of possibilities here.

I'm not sure why, but people in a deployed war zone seem to imagine the rest of us with nothing much to do, no stress, no financial worries, abundant amounts of time to get anything needed or wanted done and always feeling like a million bucks. They don't seem to get that the worry about them alone is enough to kill every one of us from a heart attack or stroke!!! Am I right?! They don't see that we don't sleep well the entire time they are gone, often have kids waking us up in the middle of the night.

They seem to forget that we have kids climbing on us 24-hours a day. The great part about that one is that it's a rude awakening when they get home. Huge amounts of kid energy bombarding them is a real humbling moment for them when they realize how exhausting it is after just a few minutes when you've been doing it alone for a year. They seem to forget that we have three meals to put on the table every day by ourselves and have limited amounts of time and energy to spend on the phone with insurance companies, doctors, lawyers, repairmen, banks, schools and airlines.  

I was ready for this one. Remember, I'd read all the books! But even then I still felt pretty defensive when questioned repeatedly, the first few days about how I handled things for A YEAR while he was away. (Let't not forget here that he was away for most of the two years before that as well.) I tried a variety of approaches all of which didn't satisfy him and made me feel like a little kid trying to come up with some reason to not be in the dog house. When in reality I didn't think I'd done anything wrong in the first place. No I hadn't done everything perfectly while he was gone, but by hell, the ship was still afloat and we were all still alive and the house was clean when he got here.

There is no way to ask "Why didn't you just ___" without it sounding like a put down - as if any moron could have done it better than you did. I think they think they are helping because they believe their idea would've made life easier for you. Unfortunately again that implies you made a poor choice that wore you out more than it needed to. Insulting again.

Finally, about the third or fourth day he was home I'd had enough of all the Monday Morning quarterbacking. In a moment of sheer frustration or perhaps inspiration I turned to him and said, "I can't changed anything about how I handled our home life during your deployment. It's too late now. I did the best I could do. Questioning me about how I did everything now, my dear man, is a one-way ticket to hell for you, for me and for all of us. No good can come of this."

He looked at me and said, "You're right. You're right." And that was the end of it. We have not had that conversation again since. It was amazing how he just let it go. I was seriously impressed! Sometimes you get lucky and find just the right words to diffuse a situation permanently. Whew! And now we return to our regularly scheduled blissful reintegration. I love him even more for choosing the best outcome for me, himself and our family!

Organization Style: 10 Signs Husband Is Home

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These are definitely laugh so you don't cry moments around our home. Ways you know the man of the house is home.

1) Potato Chips bags are resealed with an 8" long strips of neon orange duct tape. God forbid any air get into THAT bag!

2) Daughter's clean laundry is all jammed in the wrong storage baskets. Pajamas in the shirt basket, shirts in the pants basket, shorts in the pajamas basket. This drives both of us girls cuckoo. It's such a simple system. They trust this guy with national and international security in a war zone but he can't separate clothing into four baskets with clearly defined categories???

3) Clothing is hanging from the sides of the bookshelves. The other night I had the self-discipline to calmly ask him to remove such an item without even letting my voice crack with annoyance. That's a big step for me!

4) Green duffle explosions continue to spread across the living room. I'm still not sure every bag has been opened yet. He brought home uneaten care package beef jerky. I'm not kidding.

5) There is a stack of things partially blocking the front entryway that are "headed for storage." I promise you, that unless we move, they will be there by the time school starts up in the fall.

6) Anything small that I leave out, he will attempt to clean up, "just to help out." I will never see those things again. I have a long list of things that have disappeared off the face of the earth since I met him.

7) I will clean up a small pile of clothing off the living room chair because that is a good place for him to change clothes with the plan to leave them there so he can easily find them the next day.

8) Cheap freebie pens and sticky notes covered in chicken scratch will begin appearing from every direction like termites. I will find dozens of them everywhere in the house. My high quality pens, that I take very good care of, will however all disappear.

9) All the toilet seats will be left up. I've never had a huge problem with this. I guess growing up in a house full of girls and one dad we just got used to checking and putting it down when necessary. We had to give the poor, picked on guy a break on something. But you do notice it when it starts happening suddenly and you aren't used to it.

10) Flashlights and batteries are found lying all over the house and in every car. I seriously don't think I can walk more than three feet in any direction without coming across a high powered flashlight or pile of batteries (any size) in original packaging or a plastic zip bag.

Man is it good to have this guy home. I just adore him even with all his hilarious quirks. Just seeing him puts a huge smile on my face. In fact just thinking about seeing him right now, when he's away on a short trip, makes my cheeks hurt with happy smiling.

The thing that is so funny about him is that as big as he is into being so super "stealth" in his public life and online, he could not camouflage his location if it was in our home for five seconds. His messes are more powerful than any GPS tracking device. If he's here, you darn well know it.

Memorial Day: My Heart Is Tender

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On this Memorial Day Weekend I want to offer my condolences to the families of those lost in recent months in Afghanistan and wherever our service members have lost their lives. As a military family we feel each death personally. We know that for every death there is a family getting the knock on the door and two visitors with devastating news.

This year I am particularly sensitive to these sweet families as I enjoy the blessings of having my husband back in the States and soon home from a one-year-deployment. I know that there are families who have not received that amazing blessing and have gone through the immense suffering that comes with losing a loved one.

I offer these families my love and prayers. I pray God will greatly bless and reward those who have died in the fight for freedom, to protect our country and our lives. I think it was not until I had my husband back in my eyesight and arm's reach that I realized how easily I could have lost him. There have been several deadly incidences in the exact area he was serving since he left. That has struck me very hard this week.

So this weekend amidst whatever fun plans you have, I hope you will take a few moments to show your respects to those who have lost their lives defending freedom around the world. I have asked my husband if we can visit the nearby national cemetary this weekend sometime so that I can pay my respects to the great troops who now watch over and protect us from above. God bless them and their families.

The Homecoming Gear Disaster Is Here

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I'm holding back. I'm holding back. After spending weeks reorganizing the house and cleaning it from top to bottom before we left to pick up Hubs, the entire living room looks like a deserted war zone of clutter, half unpacked bags, stacks of gear and clothing. I have learned that I am not alone in this experience. It seems to happen to many military spouses. They walk in the door, you are thrilled to see them and kaboom the entire house is wrecked and covered in gear that they are too tired and busy to put away.

He was only home for 36 hours and had to head back to base. He won't be back for three weeks. So I have to accept that the living room is going to look like that for three weeks. I am not even considering moving anything because if he can't find it, things only get worse. And honestly, I have no idea where any of it would go. There is no space in this small apartment to absorb anything more. Much of it will have to go in storage on base. When that will happen is anyone's best guess.

As much as I want to say, "Gosh I'm just so lucky he's home in one piece. I should be grateful he's here to make such a mess" and for that to be enough -- and it should be -- I not yet woman enough to overlook the mess and not feel frustrated. So I have a life lesson to learn here, don't I! It's one I'm going to have to work on - a lot!

Because really it's just stuff everywhere. And I AM SO LUCKY he's home in one piece. Ah, this reintegration journey, it's not an easy one. But perhaps the greatest lesson in it all is learning to appreciate the good stuff, know what's worth fighting for and to let go of things that will heal with time. I pray my living room will heal and look pristine once again some day in the near future. Maybe by Flag Day!

Didn't Anticipate Stress At Deployment's End

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I woke up this morning with my jaw aching and so tight I was afraid it would lock up. I had been having some ridiculous dream about being in a courtroom, with my fictitious boss, while they litigated a case that had something to do with a blender. I have no idea what that is about except for two items that loom large in my life right now: courtrooms and a potential new boss. We are still working on child custody issues and I need to find a great job in the next few weeks.

I realized today that I am starting to see signs of stress similar to the first few weeks after we started deployment. I couldn't sleep, was having weird, exhausting dreams, had problems remembering things and sometimes my words got all jumbled up when I tried to talk. My neck and shoulders have been in knots the past few days.

For anyone who has been through the end of a deployment, I will sound incredibly naive when I say that stress is not what I was expecting to experience at this point in the game. I thought there would just be a lot of relief, celebrating, quiet time and recovery. I thought for sure there would be a nice week or two week long vacation and we would have the summer to figure out our life from here on and just enjoy some time together. I expected we would have that wedding celebration we had been planning in bits and pieces the past few years.

 I read all the books, I knew on some level that there would be some stress, but honestly I thought that would just be little things like getting used to having him around the house, letting him rest and slowly getting back to a new routine, etc. I hope it is that way for other families, but our reality at this point could not be farther than my previous expectations. My little dream is crashing down around me in a big way and on so many levels it's amazingly difficult to swallow.

I have spent the entire deployment year having to go to court almost every month to protect my stepdaughter. That costs money and despite a good salary, the financial well has run dry - there is no more money all because of that. There is no nest egg we anticipated at the end of deployment. In fact at this point it is massively critical that I find a high-paying job immediately if we are to keep our heads above water. This means there will be no vacation, there will be no quiet time, there will be no time to spend together. There is no money for a wedding celebration, there is no time for it either. Trying to have a baby at this point seems foolish too. The clock is ticking and maybe that won't be able to be a reality.

My husband is coming home to a huge amount of stress and I am concerned about him. He's worried about money, military cuts, career possibilities, his health, and where our country is headed. This is going to make readjusting to life, post deployment even more difficult and stressful. I wanted this to be a time where I was healthy and strong, our home was in great shape and there were few worries. Then I could just take care of him for a bit when he got home, lots of TLC, good food, quiet time and love. If I'm working a high-powered, high-pressure job, that will not happen either. What I thought would be a wonderful time is in fact turning out to be the most stressful time we've had in the past several years. That is saying a lot considering what we've been through since we met.

I'm trying to remind myself that there will be moments of joy and peace and connection that we've missed so much this past year. In those little moments each day where I think of him and miss him like crazy and shed a couple of heartfelt tears, I know he'll be home and I won't have to worry about him being in such a dangerous place. I know the love my stepdaughter and I will shower him with will help heal the wounds of war. I know his presence will allow my sense of hyper-vigilance to rest a bit. I won't be responsible to hold down everything all the time anymore. I won't even have to take out the garbage. Yay! That's a great thing.

I will find my happiness and somehow we'll find a way to get through these new challenges. But I did not expect I would be experiencing the same signs of stress I felt in those traumatic first few weeks he was gone. I guess I am again adjusting to a new big thing, a daily life I can't see yet. I don't know what to expect and that, itself, is often one of our greatest sources of stress. But like the books all say, we'll figure it out. In the meantime I am saying my prayers, trying to make the best decisions I can for my life and our family and most importantly, trying to be patient as things unfold.

Managing My Unfulfilled Deployment Dreams

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We are down to the final few weeks of a year-long deployment. My chief thought at this point is "God just get us through these last few weeks and bring him home safe and sound." Two voices in my head are speaking, one saying "we did it!" and the other saying "it ain't over til it's over, don't you dare count chickens until they're hatched." 

I find myself struggling with something I hadn't anticipated. Letting go of the hopes and dreams I had for myself during this year-long separation. From the minute I learned he would be deployed I was making lists of what I would do to help keep me strong, happy and inspired while he was gone. Things I wanted to accomplish, dreams I would make happen, volunteering I would do, places I would visit, changes I would make in my life.

And here at nearly the end of the year, most of those dreams remain mostly unfufilled. I have spent very little time with my family. In fact, I have seen none of my family in the second half of deployment. I have not been able to see my husband's family at all. I have not taken the two week road trip I have been planning for the past two years. I have not gone out and seen more of our big, beautiful city more than a handful of times. I have not made plans with many friends I hoped to see more of this year.

I am not at my high school weight. I have not become a regular runner. I have not been doing facial masks, foot soaks, and other at home spa treatments as I planned. I've only taken myself to the movies twice in a year. I haven't taken enough time to read. Haven't knit a thing. I've only taken one class just for fun and didn't even get around to checking out the ukelele class I promised myself I would take. Our home is not yet perfectly organized.

All this breaks my heart a little bit. I feel this desperate scramble in my soul that it's too late, that I've failed. I fear that I'll never get that time back and am feeling the thrust of reintegration concerns hitting me hard in the back. I can already see that thanks to the economy, sequestration and it's attached military cutbacks and problems with my stepdaughter's mother my husband is stressed about the garbage that will be awaiting him when he comes home. That's not helping anything. 

This mourning I am feeling is not because I have been lazy, wasted the days away, been uninspired or weak. It is because God had an entirely different plan for me. This year I was meant to learn that if I don't care for myself, I can't be my best for anyone else. Due to major family stresses I have had to deal with mostly on my own, I've had to do a lot to keep myself well and standing on my own feet. All these lessons I have learned this year have come from loving and caring for my husband and his daughter. 

It is important that I look at what I have accomplished this past year. I have been a stellar stepmom. I have fought to protect that girl, we have gained custody and I have gone to court again and again by myself with our attorney to do it. I have driven her over 200 miles for dropoffs and pickups, several times a month, to fulfill the court ordered visitation schedule. I have provided her with a safe, stable, loving, fun home. I have done homework with her every night. I have read with her almost every day. I have scheduled playdates and so much more for her. I've signed her up for and gone with her every week to karate class. In the next couple weeks golf and piano lessons will start. I have been up all night with her when she had nightmares. I have provided her with clothing, food and all the basic needs.

I have made it possible for Clementine to have a Daddy Doll, a photo quilt of her and her Dad, time to Skype with her Dad, access to military family support videos and books and given her a place to talk about her Dad and her feelings. I have made sure she has fun and that she had a fantastic birthday while her Dad was gone. We even had a Skype birthday party for her with him. I have held her tight and given her hours of love and care when she missed her Dad so much it felt like her heart would burst.

For Mr. Hart I have written hundreds of emails, Skyped & talked on the phone with him hundreds of times. I have handwritten nearly 150 letters to my husband including fun and inspiring magazine clippings & internet articles. I have helped my stepdaughter write dozens of sweet little letters herself. I have sent at least 20 care packages not including the 25 I helped our church congregation put together and send to my husband, his fellow worshippers and coworkers there.

I have kept myself well and that's important. No one can tell me how to do that but me and no one will take the time for that but me. Have I done it perfectly, no, but I've done it. I have learned when to stop everything and take a break. I have learned what to let go of, what to say no to and not feel a bit bad about it when I need to. I am stronger today than the day I started. I have learned to trust in God when I had nowhere else to turn and no one else who could help me. I have learned the importance of friends and neighbors with deeper appreciation than ever before. I have had the chance to see Clementine grow in the massive ways children do from kindergarten to the end of first grade. I have had her love and devotion. I have been blessed with Mr. Hart's gratitude, support and love for all I do here and I have learned to appreciate him in so many new ways.

When I look at what I have accomplished and what I have gained and been blessed with, my dreams for this year pale in comparison. God did have a greater, nobler plan for me. I may not be able to play a note on my ukelele but the there's still time and maybe it will be the perfect thing for me to do during reintegration so that I get out of the house and keep up outside interests. There's still time for my dreams but there will never be a more perfect time for God to have given me the life he wanted me to have this last year. For that I have to continue to find gratitude.

As They Stand, Let Us Kneel

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Heard some very sad news about a likely service member suicide last night. That broke my heart. This was not someone I know but I know people who loved him dearly. Heard today that this week is the beginning of the fighting season in Afghanistan. That worried me. I look at completing our deployment assignment and what will come after. That concerns me. What can I do about all these things? Precious little other than love and watch out for every member of our military family as if they were my own brothers and sisters. But there is another who is all-powerful who we can turn to for comfort and to hear our prayers. Kneeling down for those who stand in front to protect us is the most powerful thing we can do.

In your every day, please don't miss an opportunity to reach out in love to our service members. It breaks my heart to know so many are suffering and feel so alone and helpless. This should not be. The programs are in place, the help is there. But we're not connecting the dots quickly enough to save them. There are people in the military who are still too harsh and cruel when generosity and support are desperately needed. Pray for change and do all you can to help. God bless our dear sweet service members and their families. I will kneel for each one of them and their families tonight.

Deployment: Losing Touch With Traditions

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A couple months into our deployment I was talking with our daughter and the subject of one of our favorite little family "things" came up. I don't know how to better define things than as little things you do that are special to your family. We have special kisses: the strawberry kiss, the banana kiss, the chocolate chip kiss. We have special things we do together and special ways we do things that are so beautifully precious to our tribe.

In that conversation with our daughter, we realized we had totally forgotten about one of our family things since Daddy has left. It struck me a little bit hard to realize that with us apart, we would forget things we used to do together. We would forget special memories that were kept alive by our routine and our time together. That was a sad blow. I mourned that for a while.

Now that we're three-quarters through our year apart, I am finding solace in the fact that over time all families forget little memories. It's a normal part of living, of time passing. I have also been thinking about the new traditions we have created over the past year. I dare say that just for fun our little girl will use her tiny laptop to Skype Daddy when he's at his desk here working, just for fun.

She thinks it's hilarious to Skype me 10 feet away in the kitchen, although I can't bear it because the computers, due to their proximity often made horribly high pitched squealing noises. I cringe a bit in anticipation of that ear-piercing blast every time I hear the now joyous and familiar chimes of an incoming Skype call and then realize it's not Mr. Hart at all but that little cutie calling me from across the room. I dare say she'll get quite a lot of joy in doing the same to her dad.

We also have important new people in our life like Daddy Doll, who is guardian over the house when we are away. Clementine loves to laugh and scream "Oooh, disgusting," when I pretend to give Daddy Doll a kiss. Even better if I preface my kiss with "H-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i Handsome!"

She has a new tradition of doing karate over Skype with her martial arts loving Dad. They'll have great fun doing that in person. So even though we've lost a little bit of our history being apart for a year, we've added to it too. And perhaps these memories, these deployment memories, we will carry with us throughout our lives. It has been a poignant time. As I talk to Clementine and realize she is starting to forget a lot of things that happened when she was little, I imagine deployment and first grade will likely stay with her for life. She's old enough to remember and carry these memories with her.

I hope these new memories will remind all of us how strong we are, how much we love each other and that we can do hard things when requires. I hope we'll remember our sacrifice for our country and have warm, loving and patriotic feelings toward this great homeland of ours for generations to come. Yes, there have been losses to mourn during this year of deployment. Yes, it is hard, it's still difficult. But I hope we carry with us the memories of how it made us better, individually, as a family, and a world.