Alcohol: A Fast Way To Wreck Your Life

I want to encourage you to take alcohol out of your life. I know for some this is the equivalent of me saying something like get rid of your cell phone or your car. For many alcohol is a part of every day life and every social event. It is completely socially acceptable....but it is a socially acceptable addictive drug. One that dulls the mind, reduces one's ability to think clearly and make rational decisions.

It brings on feelings of sadness, depression, anger and rage. And yet for some reason it is totally legal although it has had more influence for destruction in the lives of families than any other addictive substance in history. If you want a clear picture of this, talk to any child of an alcoholic. I know several and the life-long effects of their parents use of alcohol is never ending and highly destructive.

If you think I overstate my case, begin looking at articles about service members with PTS who have committed serious crimes and are now in prison. Almost every story involves heavy drinking and moments of absolutely disastrous judgment. Look at incidences of domestic violence within and without the military. Many if not most are alcohol driven.

Sadly, once the "calming, good time effect" of the alcohol has worn off, the reality of decisions made under the influence are impossible to avoid. Here is a story that illustrates just that, how one service member with PTS, after a long night of drinking, lost control, almost lost his life, almost took the lives of several other people and in the end lost his marriage too -- and then went to prison for eight years -- all for one stupid night of "fun."

I think the unfortunate thing is that this story only focuses on PTS as if that is what caused this service member to go off the rails. The PTS may have lead him to drink more but I am convinced it was the alcohol that lead him to the disastrous actions that ruined his life that dark night.

It is a proven fact that alcohol brings on feelings of desperation, sadness, fear and rage. All demonstrated in his actions that night. Anyone who has ever been to a college party or a bar can attest to all of these realities.

Alcohol is not all fun and games. It's not a great way to destress, unwind or spend time with friends. If you do drink socially often, think about how many times you've seen friends or couples break down into ridiculous arguments or fights after drinking for a while. How often do fights have to be broken up or contention arises that would not happen were alcohol not involved.

I see to damaging effects of alcohol too often in my military social network feeds. Too many break ups, too many fights, too many hangovers and far too many people bragging about how much "fun" they are having getting really plastered. And then they wonder why their lives are so unstable, their relationships broken and emotions so dark and hopeless.

Drinking is bad for your body and your safety (do I even need to bring up DUIs or the possibility of killing someone else while driving under the influence?)

Alcohol is damaging to relationships, to marriages, to children. When you're drunk, your kids are not drunk and they see and remember everything you may not the next morning. They are embarrassed and worried even when they see you start getting loud and silly when you have a slight buzz going. They are scared of you when they see you are not acting like your normal responsible self. It's terrifying to them and they learn not to trust you.

If you are a military spouse or service member or anyone who drinks, consider how you are using alcohol in your life. If you know someone with PTS be very alert to how they are using alcohol and if you have the chance, encourage them to avoid it at all costs. It is also important to be aware they may be mixing medication for PTS treatment with alcohol which is even more dangerous.

Reconsider how you use this powerful, addictive drug in your life. You can live without it and letting go of it has zero harmful effects. You will feel and be more healthy, see your life more clearly, make better long lasting decisions and genuinely have more happiness in your life.

A Great Experience at NMFA Operation Purple Camp

Earlier this summer we had the chance to attend the National Military Family Association Operation Purple Camp. What an amazing experience. I would recommend if you're eligible to get your applications in now for upcoming Operation Purple Family Retreats and Operation Purple Healing Adventures. There is also Operation Purple Camp just for military kids.

The setting was Jackson Hole, Wyoming and Grand Teton National Park. What an amazing place to spend every day for a week. The landscapes were just unbelievably breathtaking. The Teton Science Camp, where the camp took place, was lovely. The program was super well organized and the staff at all levels was top notch professional, friendly and kind. The lodging facilities were great too. Comfortable beds, nice rooms with ensuite bathrooms.

Even more amazing is that the food at the camp was fantastic. You don't generally expect that any place that is feeding masses of people, particularly at a mountain camp. Everyone was full and happy after every meal and every meal pleased the crowds.

We saw all kinds of amazing animals including bison, moose, caribou, deer, antelope, bald eagles, beavers, sandhill cranes and so many more. We hiked, canoed, river rafted, watercolor painted in nature and did a service project in the national park too.

The best part of the camp was that we were grouped with two other families who had kids the same age as ours. This worked out so fantastically. The kids had an amazing fun time from the moment they met up in the morning until they were shipped off to bed every night. In fact they had so much fun that it was pretty tough to get them up at the 6:30 a.m. wake up call every morning. They needed more sleep.

Our three families were so compatible and we ended up making friendships that are so precious to us now. Because we don't live near any military families, thanks to Operation Purple Family Retreat we have close military family friends now. I really appreciate that! Amazing. Did not expect that to happen but what a gift.

It's was wonderful to have had time to talk and share and learn from each other's experiences. We also had the opportunity to participate in workshops put on by FOCUS (Families Overcoming Under Stress), which focused on resiliency, self and family care in the military family environment. It was great to get couples and families together to talk about such important issues that are a challenge to the military community at large.

Can I just take a moment to say if you are a military family who is struggling, there is so much help out there. Don't suffer in silence. You can contact me if you want and I will help you get connected with the right people. But please don't suffer in silence when things could be so much better.

It was tough to say goodbye and boy do we miss our friends! But I think we'll remember for a lifetime the great experiences we had at Operation Purple Family Retreat in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Thanks National Military Family Association and everyone who has contributed to the success of this program.

If you're able, may I suggest a donation, big or small, to this great organization that is doing so much to strengthen the military families of the United States. These families have sacrificed a lot for our nation.

Forgetting Afghanistan

image via AP/Rahmat Gul

A year ago right now my husband was in Afghanistan and we were Skyping or talking to him on the phone from there several times a week. Checking the newswires for stories about anything going on there was a twice daily event, once in the morning and once before going to bed. Because of the twelve hour time difference, if there was any big daytime event happening there the news generally broke between ten and eleven at night our time. Not the best time of day to read scary news!

Now a year later, Afghanistan and news of the war there has slipped away from our daily conversations and my husband and I are not so up on what is happening there. Sometimes I read or hear things and have mixed emotions about telling him about them, knowing he may know the people and places vividly. I envisioned that we would stay as passionate about our commitment to awareness and those still serving there and suffering there, but in reality, life takes over and our energies have to go elsewhere.

That comes with mixed emotions and a little bit of perhaps poorly placed guilt. We cannot possibly continue to live in the heightened state of awareness and anxiety which we lived in while he was deployed. But it feels a little traitorous to move on with life and not agonize and pray every day for the safety of those deployed there and their families just like we did for our own service member and our own family. We've done war zone deployment, we know intimately how hard it is. Moving on and forward with our lives with those thoughts is difficult. How dare I not feel just as worried sick about others as I was about my own.

But somehow that is not possible and perhaps there is a time and a place, a season for everything. Maybe my season is not to agonize over Afghanistan and our deployed there right now. Their families perhaps have taken our spots in that realm. Maybe right now we are taking the spots of others who have moved on from reintegration, post deployment stress and all the transitions and uncertainty that come with that which we are currently experiencing. That is enough for our plates right now, I will say that.

Perhaps my place in all this now is to keep praying for our deployed service members and the people of Afghanistan and to keep praying for my family, all families and our country too. We served and learned great lessons and at times suffered greatly through our deployment. I know many others have before us. There is a kinship there and even if we are not all at the same heightened state of awareness and involvement. I do believe with all my heart, that we are all as one in the place of love and best wishes for our service members, their families and the freedom seeking people of Afghanistan.

We are here for you and for each other in whatever phase we may be, to bless with whatever experiences we may have to offer that may be helpful. We have not forgotten our deployed and their families, yet out of necessity we have moved to new phases. But we are always with you in spirit and in any other way we can step up to serve and offer a watchful, caring eye. I prayed for you today.

10 Things A Military Spouse Can Control

There are so many things that are part of military life that we can't control. It's a given after a while that it's impossible to make life plans that will always stick because things always change. It's a given that your spouse will be gone a lot. Another that you will worry and sometimes not sleep well when they are in harm's way or you know they are struggling. It's also a given that the military will throw you a lot of curve balls that will turn your life upside down on a regular basis. So what can we control? How do we maintain a sense of control over our own lives and the development and growth of our life, our marriages and our families when so much is out of our control?

Here are 10 things I jotted down on a list one day that we can control. It's good to take back a sense of power and remember that there are super important things we have great influence over.

1. I have influence over my household and how we live in our home. I can help maintain a positive, loving, calm environment. Putting on peaceful music, keeping things as clean and orderly as possible, setting up rules and behavioral expectations that will create a warm, welcoming environment for the family are just a few ideas.

2. I am responsible for how I speak to my husband. I have a big responsibility to my marriage and what I bring to it. My attitude and behavior towards him have a huge impact on the spirit of our home and the well-being of our family. Even if he's in a bad mood, I have the ability to manage myself so that I don't make it worse. Sometimes it may be the reverse and I have to consider how I sound to the family and to my beloved. Taking care of myself so that I am well and sane makes a huge difference in my ability to manage myself.

3. I have 100% control over how I speak about my husband. Do I build him up in my eyes, his eyes and others? Showing disrespect to my husband in conversation with others tears him down and weakens our marriage. It also damages our relationships with others.

4. I have power to control how much time and energy I give to things outside our home. Do I let too many other activities, whether they be phone calls with friends and family or commitments to work, volunteering or anything else take away from the well-being of my family. I have to learn to balance these things so there is as little upheaval as possible for home and family -- and that I do not tire myself out and find myself constantly on empty.

5. I can control what music I listen to. Music can set the tone for calm, motivation or even sadness, darkness, anger and violence. The atmosphere I create or allow around me influences how I feel and act. Choose wisely. Sad country songs during deployment equal instant cry. Peppy pop songs help get the house cleaned faster. Workouts too become more powerful with the right music. I chose the soundtrack for my life.

6. I can control screen time. Spending too much time online or watching TV can steal precious minutes and hours from things that are really enjoyable and important to us. When my husband was on deployment I learned I shouldn't watch military movies. They made me too sad in that moment. Even now I don't enjoy them the way I did before he went to war.

Lone Survivor was tough for me. I found myself in the movie theater sitting next to my husband hyperventilating, shaking and wanting to scream at the screen to tell them NOT to let those people go down the mountain. TV can be a great momentary break from the day or it can be a total brain drain time suck where one can get lost and quickly end of staying in pajamas all day. It's easy to waste a lot of time on screens or allow them to control our moods and mindsets. On a related note, I have GREAT concerns about the damage video game addictions are having on military relationships - but that's a subject for the guys and another day.

7. I can manage my mood. It's totally okay to have a rough or sad day. But in every mood there are things we can do to help ourselves or make things worse. Sometimes a giant cry is just the right thing, other times a kick in the seat of the pants is needed, or a fantastically tough workout. Learning to know ourselves so we can help instead of make things worse is important.

8. I have great influence on how we raise our daughter. Those are decisions made best between mom and dad and when we work together we have a far better chance of success, especially when we face the change and upheaval of military life in the world of our children. When we help them learn to be brave, strong and resilient they see us as the steady shore to hold onto as they grow and while they also deal with the constant change of military life.

9. I can control how we spend our time when my husband is away working. Do I let everything slide or do I use our time to learn, grow and have fun. Sometimes it has to be a little of both and there is a balance to be found, but when I consciously use that time to build our family rather than just fall apart and wait for him to get back we get much greater rewards and build wonderful memories. We can take trips, day adventures, plan activities with other moms and kids, or have a little more downtime than usual. I have a lot of influence over whether those are sad, wasted times or happy, productive times.

10. I can greatly influence how our family feels about military life. Do I complain, nag or disrespect the life we lead and my husband's career path or do I act with dignity, respect and honor towards it? Do I take time to teach my kiddo about all the rich meaning and history of the military, of proper military/base conduct, patriotism and duty and honor? Anyone associated with the military knows that it has it's problems as any organization does, but there is a lot to love and respect and appreciate about the military. We have a great opportunity to build a stronger family and stronger kids through those rich traditions if we take advantage of them.

So, you see, it's easy to feel like the military controls everything and we just run ragged trying to keep up. But when we really look at things, we still maintain the balance of power over the well-being and happiness of our lives, homes and families. When we let the outside disturbances become small ripples (as often as possible) instead of crashing swells we are able to maintain our influence and peace within our own families and stay strong and brave.

Don't Be Afraid Of Therapy

image via mca

I've had the chance to meet and talk with a lot of therapists and counselors this past year both within and outside of the military community. It's been a great introduction to the world of counseling and all the good it can do. This image above might be your vision of therapy. It may sound a little scary, daunting, intrusive or embarrassing. But after meeting so many very competent therapists and counselors inside and outside the military community I am here to say do not hesitate to seek out help if you feel that life has become overwhelmingly stressful or you haven't felt like yourself in a long time.

Here's a great article that I very much agree with about what therapy is and isn't called Ten Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy by Megan Hale. This article is full of just the compassion, understanding and encouragement I have seen in conversations with therapists, social workers and chaplains I have enjoyed getting to know over the past year.

This has been my experience as I have entered into therapy sessions for myself in the past few months. I am a pretty strong person and have always had a pretty great attitude about life. But after a string of very challenging events for our family I was worn down and had lost my ability to be my normal sunny, happy, calm self. I found myself shorter tempered, exhausted and frustrated more often than I needed to be and I felt like I was on permanent "crisis mode" after needing to operate in crisis mode for such an extended period of time. Throw in the sleeplessness and stress of my husband's year-long military deployment and boom, I was one tired, worn out woman.

So after deliberating for a while, I decided to meet with a therapist that was recommended to me by someone I met in the FOCUS program. I am glad I did because it's been great for me, but I also am glad I did it because now I can share that encouragement with others. Do it. If you feel it will help, do it. You will feel a HUGE load lifted off your shoulders in an environment where you can say what you feel honestly without worry or shame. Don't wait until things get so bad that your situation becomes a crisis you can no longer manage.

I have seen that there are great things that can happen in counseling for military kids, service members, spouses and as families and couples too. It's great to have an outside party who can point out areas where you should probably give yourself, your spouse, your life or your family a break, things that might be creating more frustration than ease, ways of thinking that may be blocking your success and to help you see the sunny side of life again.

Some of the major issues we've talked about in therapy have to do with how I constructed my mindset in my childhood and things that happened in my life then. Amazing how it flows over into so much of how I do things as as adult. I've caught myself creating beliefs that aren't exactly true or in some cases are totally false. For instance last week I mentioned a situation that I had failed at. When we looked at it, I hadn't failed the situation at all. I had done all I could do. The situation has just not worked out in my favor initially. So I had to backtrack and realize I had not failed but the situation had been a difficult one. Major difference in perspective and how it affects one's sense of self worth and ability to succeed!

I've also learned how often we misuse the words "always" and "never." As in "Things never work out" or "This always happens to me" or "I always am disappointed." Every once in a while I hear myself speak one of these words. There are no absolutes in our life experience. There are good and bad days, things sometimes work out and sometimes they don't. When things are difficult it's easy to feel like only bad things happen or when we have trouble in relationships it's easy to say the other person "always" treats us in a way we don't like. When we think things are always one way or the other we create a situation that isn't real and then we operate as if it were. A recipe for trouble.

Therapy is an opportunity to see ourselves and our lives more clearly. It's a great opportunity to refocus our thoughts and actions for more happiness and greater success in life. It can help kids to adults develop strong souls and learn life-changing skills, it can improve marriages and bring peace. It's a good thing. Be sure to find someone you feel comfortable with and have good chemistry with. Get recommendations. Go through reputable resources. You should always feel it's working for you and if it's not, find someone else who you do feel chemistry with.

But don't wait. It the thought comes to your mind repeatedly go do it. I found myself wanting to go to therapy for a good year before I really did it. I should've gone so much sooner. Why did I need to suffer for another year when I could've lightened my load with less stress so much earlier.  I also found that things would be fine during the week when we were busy and when the weekend hit we'd end up in crisis and I would have nowhere to turn, promise myself I'd call for an appointment on Monday morning and then the week would start, we'd get busy and I'd let the idea go until the next overwhelming moment occurred. Dumb decisions. But I'm glad I finally did it. It's amazing how a few little tweaks to my outlook each week have improved my life. I've learned a lot and appreciate my time to refresh my little soul and focus on my own self-care.

Have you taken advantage of counseling opportunities from the military or other sources. What did you learn and how did it improve things for you?

Learn To Recognize His Stress Triggers

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I wrote this post last fall and somehow never published it. It's a good one that I hope other people will be able to connect with and will help someone out there with the stress of reintegration. Reading this again this week was a great reminder to me too. I still need to be mindful about stress triggers. To set the stage, we went on our first little, "long weekend" vacation since he had come home from deployment. This event I am writing about happened early the morning of our last day of our trip. 

From September 2013: Yesterday I was talking with our reintegration family counselors after our daughter had an appointment. I shared with them our experience on Sunday with the crowds. They mentioned the words "stress triggers" and how great it is that I am learning to recognize them. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'd totally blown it Monday morning.

My husband woke up in the middle of the night stressing out about all the things waiting for us at home. I was looking forward to just having a peaceful day before we headed home late that evening so we could miss holiday traffic. He could not sleep and kept me awake talking about every stressful thing he could think of, including the traffic and how horrible he was sure it would be.

Instead of recognizing that the traffic was triggering his stress and doing what I could to help him, I got mad. Here he was ruining the last day of our trip, yada, yada, yada. In a not very nice voice I told him we were leaving because he was determined to ruin the day and the trip so there was no point in staying another minute. I got up, started gathering up my things, then our little one's things and by the time I got to the car, I wasn't even speaking to him.

While talking with the counselors, they helped me realize that just like that call of "I can't do this" that I responded to so quickly and calmly, I could've done the same thing Monday morning. I didn't connect post-deployment anxiety with his concerns about driving home.

He was the driver for his group for the year he was in Afghanistan, so yes, perhaps he may have a little post-deployment stress about driving in crowds. Duh. I didn't even put that together until days later. I realize now that he felt responsible to get us home safely, that he was worried he'd be too tired to drive us home at night, and again that crowds and stressful situations like traffic jams are a problem.

I started thinking back to some of our more heated moments since he came back and I think I can just about attribute them all to situations where his triggers have been triggered and sometimes I made it much worse by choosing to get belligerent rather than focusing on eliminating the situation that was creating his anxiety. My conversation with the therapists was a real eye opener.

Having A Relationship With A Woman Instead Of A Girl

I saw this and it reminded me of so much of the chatter I see on Twitter. I see so many girls who are very proud to be bratty and take and take and take and only give what they want to give when they want to give it. These women expect everyone around them to cater to their emotions and their demands. It makes me sad for the men who date and marry these women.

This is a fantastic teaching principle for children. I want boys (and men!) to know this and have the power to make decisions that best serve the happiness of their lives. I think if more people understood this, there would also be a higher expectation of women to be more than bratty little girls. Bratty little girls can be found in every age of womanhood - and sadly this is empowered by men who indulge these women and take care of them when they refuse to take care of themselves.

I think this is phenomenal advice for any man and it's great guidance for we women. What kind of a woman do we want to be is a fantastic question to use as a ruler for our life choices, our behavior and how we treat the men in our relationships. I know I want to be a woman who makes others feel invigorated and inspired.

Happy Holidays Dear Friends

image via mca

Happy holidays dear friends! Hope you have had a wonderful Christmas and are eating goodies, relaxing, playing games and watching fun movies right into the new year. We had a really peaceful, simple day yesterday. It was lovely. Nice gifts, family time, time with friends and phenomenal weather, beach worthy in fact.

This last week marks the first birthday of Midlife Navy Wife the blog. It's been a wonderful year to get to know so many of you here and on Twitter. We've shared stories good and bad, laughed and cried together. Thank you for your friendship, support and all you have shared with me this last year. You definitely made a huge difference in how I managed the second half of our deployment. Knowing you were out there made me stronger and helped me want to give more to others too. I appreciate so much your support and friendship!

I thought the first half of 2013 would be our big challenge, the second half of a year-long deployment -- but I had no idea what life had in store for us for the second half of the 2013. It's been deeply challenging and even here at the end of the year I don't have a lot of clarity about it all. But we're still standing and giving life our best and hoping for good things to come in the new year.

It's great to have this holiday season to slow down and be grateful for all we do have, to focus on simple pleasures and to take time to enjoy friends, family and life a little more. It is all so precious and we have no guarantees about anything so we truly must enjoy every good moment when it comes.

I have great hopes for 2014 and am determined it's going to be a great year. I'm going to sign up for a class to start out the year, maybe this one. I am ready for more optimism, more joy and more peace. There are so many great online classes out there. Mondo Beyondo is another great one. There is so much great inspiration and so many beautiful teachers out there. It's worth looking for those who inspire joy and happiness for your life and taking time to soak those good things in. No matter what is happening in your life right now you can have joy today. Sometimes you just need a little reminder from someone else.

I'll be checking in more often in the coming year. Looking forward to that. I still have lots of stories to share and look forward to more great talks with you about our shared journey and our unique experiences on that path. I send you my very warmest wishes for a safe and joyful holiday season and year to come.

Reintegration: A Life Change, Not A Timeframe

image via mca

This week I read a question from another military spouse. It was "I'm worried about reintegration. How long do I give him to readjust?" I smiled. A few months into reintegration, it's a question that will make a military spouse smile. It helped me to solidify in my mind what reintegration is not.

1) Reintegration is not a time frame. There is no magic time frame where everything will be settled and "normal." It's different for every service member and their family. You cannot say "In 90 days we stop reintegrating and it will be over" or "I'm giving my spouse two months to get reintegrated." There is not going to be one day where you will say, "We are reintegrated!" It's dangerous think about how long you will expect it to take or how long you are willing to give your partner to "get" reintegrated. You can't know what's to come or how everyone will handle it.

2) Reintegration is not a singular process. There is no step-by-step path to reintegration. Every family will experience some wildly different paths in their reintegration experience. Some will experience physical health crises, others financial crises, some mental health crises. Life does not stop moving while we reintegrate. There is no simple directional map. We each struggle to find our own way.

3) Reintegration is not a short-term experience, it's a life change. There is no point in reintegration where everything goes back to the way it used to be. Everything gets redefined. Everyone has changed, life is different. The way a marriage and family face things has to change to accommodate those changes. 

4) Reintegration is not a time of rest and recovery. I think it's easy to imagine that somehow life is going to slow down so we can catch our breath after a deployment ends. If anything it becomes more stressful as we all try to fit into new routines & get settled into the world we used to live in. Our reintegration period has been rocked by sequestration, changes in unit leadership and the government shutdown. That has not made it easier by any stretch of the imagination. Add financial concerns, serious health problems, legal issues and my husband being gone a lot and you can imagine it hasn't been a period of celebratory downtime.

5) Reintegration is not always in our control. While we can prepare ourselves and have a positive attitude we cannot control our service member or our family members and how they deal with reintegration. That can be exhausting and discouraging. Just because we believe therapy would help our service member does not mean they will be willing. Just because we'd like our homes to be tidy with no military garb cluttering entry ways or the middle of our living room does not make it so. We cannot make our children behave themselves when they need to act our their own stresses about deployment and reintegration. Acceptance, patience and persistence are vital.

6) Reintegration is not the time to put ourselves second. While we focus on the health and well-being of our service member and families, we cannot help them if we haven't taken care of ourselves. Having down time, appropriate rest, time for self, a calm environment to retreat to and the right people to talk to is invaluable to a military spouse going through reintegration. It's easy to think it's about our spouse and not about us, but everything they do affects us and how we manage all that has long term effects on our health, well-being and the survival rate of our relationships. We take all our own personal baggage into reintegration too and there are often painful realizations, changes we need to make in ourselves and healing we must do as we continue to learn and grow. It's important to take care of self so we can sustain ourselves and then others.

7) Reintegration is not the time to be together constantly. It's good to have some time apart during reintegration. I'm not saying leave for a week, I'm just saying don't spend every minute of every day together. You are accustomed to being apart, don't overload your systems and shut off your connection with the life you grew and the individuality you developed while apart. Help yourselves keep things in perspective by spending time with friends, alone or with extended family. It's amazing how a few hours away can help one see the good and minimize fears. I'm always surprised how just being away from home for even a couple of hours recharges my batteries and makes me excited to come back.

8) Reintegration is not the time to be rigid about expectations. It's easy to get defensive and start trying to make everything a fight or complaint. Pick your battles and let a lot of stuff go. It's not worth the fight much of the time. You can't bring up every little annoyance and bother. Focus on the important stuff and don't get caught up in petty arguments. Go with the flow of the changing life process rather than fighting it. But of course, make sure you're life individually and together is headed in a direction you are comfortable going in overall.

9) Reintegration is not a cheerless time. There is lots to be happy about during reintegration. You have so much to be thankful for -- your loved one came home! You are making new memories, laughing together, having time together. Do what you can to bring happiness into every day. Go on new adventures, talk about your dreams for the future, play and have fun. Be sure to see the good in every day. Be grateful when you hear your husband and kids giggling in the next room, when he walks up behind you in the kitchen and tickles you, when you have great moments of intimacy together.

10) Reintegration is not without help and support. There is a lot of reintegration support available for individuals, couples and families. Look for it! Check out the FOCUS program in your area, contact your local Vet Center, MilitaryOneSource.com, or military family services center on base. There are lots of people willing to help you through reintegration. There are a lot of people who've been in your shoes and understand.

Another great support group is available online. Check out military spouse blogs, big ones and small ones. Connect with other military spouses online or in your area. There is a lot of support out there. Don't you dare suffer in silence or watch your happiness slip through your fingers without reaching out for some help.

Reintegration is always going to be a bit hard. Life is hard. But along with challenges there is a lot of joy to be had in reintegration and life in general. Don't miss all that good stuff by getting too bogged down with the challenges. We learn and grow through both the challenges and the joys. Don't miss the good stuff. Make your goal your life and don't get too caught up in what reintegration "should" to look like, how long it "should" last or how it went for anyone else. You just can't compare life experiences, challenges or blessings.

The best thing you can do to thrive through reintegration is to promise yourself you will take care of yourself and then do your best by your service member and family. Patience, love and kindness go a long way and experiences like reintegration are the perfect petri dish for growing more of all of those good things. Just like pre-deployment and deployment you will see yourself come through reintegration a wiser, stronger, braver person. Let it be the growing time that it is.

Making Memories On Our Own

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I have been thinking a lot recently about how many memories our little one and I have made without hubs being around. We'll never be able to get him caught up on all the inside jokes, weird things that have happened to us, places we seen, people we've met or things we've shared together. She and I have a bond that exists on a whole different plane than our relationship with her dad.

We didn't choose this, we didn't try to create our own little world, but we had to out of necessity. It makes me a little sad and I often feel caught between both worlds. Home is a different place when it's just the two of us. It's much less complicated, more tidy, everything just happens more easily and quickly.

Suddenly when Daddy is home everything changes, the way we do things, the pace of our day, how our mornings flow, what we eat for meals, how we spend our down time and how much of it we have. Things are more peaceful without the testosterone element I realize. Some days I crave that energy and some days I want it to quiet down a little bit. It's frustrating to me to feel torn between these two existences and yet  I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not sure how to navigate it all. I guess I thought once he'd done a one-year-deployment that having him gone for a week or two would be nothing. If anything it's gotten harder in some ways and then it's almost too easy for us to get back on "deployment auto-pilot" but then it all stops as soon as he gets back and we're thrown a bit by that.

I think the divide is getting wider and I'm not sure who's fostering it and who's trying to pull people back together. Maybe this is just another bump in the reintegration process. We are definitely having to redefine what our normal is. I find we like it even less when he's gone, but we all have a little bit of a sense of relief to be apart and catch our breath. This is all very weird. Do people outside the military have anything like this in their lives.

I guess I need to reckon again with the fact that he's always going to be gone a lot. I don't think I ever felt like he'd come back from deployment and suddenly be around all the time, but it does seem like I've gotten a little bit tired of it. Oh the joys of finding our way through life and continually having to redefine what everything means to us and how it will work for us. 

Somehow I guess I will find a way to peacefully exist in these two worlds. Do any of you other military wives understand what I'm talking about? Have you felt the same? Do you have any great advice for me? I've love to hear it if you do. I am continually surprised that even though he's home there's still lots to learn and work through.

The Army Never Promised To Fix Your Mistakes

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I read Ask Ms. Vicki's advice column on military.com last week about a wife whose husband had been court-martialed. He was in prison for something he had done that she knew nothing about. She was very angry that the military wasn't taking care of her, helping her move, etc. I can only imagine the hell her life is right now as she tries to find her way alone, pick up the pieces and figure out her future now that her husband has made these terrible mistakes and is no longer able to stand by her side. Just finding out that this was happening behind your back has to be majorly traumatic. I am sure her world has been turned upside down in every way.

While I had a lot of sympathy for this wife, something she said really upset me. "You are brainwashed to think that you take care of your husband and the Army will take care of you..." If anyone should be blamed for not taking care of this wife it is her husband. He totally, totally blew it. He was dishonest, sneaky and apparently committed some pretty serious crime. It is not the Army's fault that this man totally screwed his family over. It is not the military who is screwing this wife over.

There are a lot of support programs provided us in the military, but I do not believe for one minute that anyone in the military has encourage couples to be totally dependent on the military. I think the lesson has repeatedly been to be self-sufficient, to be prepared.

It sounds like this couple had absolutely no emergency plan in place financially or in any other way. If there is anything I have been encouraged to do by other military spouses and the military family training I have attended it is to have a plan. There are a multitude of resources to help us avoid getting into trouble, but once our spouse or we as a couple have made disastrous choices there is little the military is able, or frankly, very willing to do.

I know that military salaries can be small for some but I do believe that there is always a way to have some sort of emergency fund and plan in place. I am astonished at the luxury and excess that many, many young couples live in: huge TVs, new cars, video games, lots of shopping, travel, top of the line cell phones, expensive pets and more. We are closer to retirement than enlistment but we still try to live prudently and without excess. At any salary, living within our means is possible and a must. With good financial planning and management it is possible to have some emergency resources and funds.

I also don't believe that the military encouraged this women to have no career or be totally unprepared to hold down any kind of employment. We all have to recognize that if anything were to happen to our spouse, the responsibility to provide falls squarely on us. Even though it makes it tough to go to school as a military wife, there is nothing to keep a woman from completing school before she gets married. It is also much easier for a woman to get school and career experience under her belt before having children. Even though being apart is so hard, that seems like the only downside to being able finish school before getting married. Easy to be apart, no, but better prepared for the future, yes.

No one is forcing anyone to get married at an age where they are too young to have gotten their feet soundly in adulthood and aware of the responsibilities. On issues like these we have to take responsibilities for our choices. When people get married very young, do not prepare for adult responsibilities and do not have an emergency plan or any resources, they have basically said we're willing to go without the security of all these things and accept the consequences of whatever comes. Unfortunately I'm not sure they realize this at the time or they don't want to admit it. Not sure about which, maybe it's different for everyone.

It sounds like this is not the first time this guy has been in trouble and that he is clearly a repeat offender. If a person is going to commit crimes and regularly screw up in the military I would imagine there were big problems before the military. Perhaps more thought could've been given to his worthiness as a responsible husband and father figure, particularly before having a child with him. Sometimes we want things so badly we just insist on getting them, regardless of whether the situation is right or not. I always love the saying "build the nest before you lay the eggs." Hello Mother Nature teaching us a lesson.

Again, let me say again that I have compassion for this wife's fears  -- they are natural and normal in this situation. I'm so sorry about the bad situation she finds herself in. But it seems like there were a thousand mistakes made up to this point and it is not the Army's responsibility to clean this mess up. I am certain that no one in the Army or the military across the board said support your husband and we'll take care of you. Even if they did say this, it would be wise to believe otherwise and take care of ourselves, right? 

We have to take responsibility for our choices and be prepared for emergencies. When we make whatever efforts we can to be prepared for an emergency, we find that if crises do hit we will have broad and helpful support system under our feet and already know what our priorities should be. Never believe the notion that you can do whatever you want and someone else will take care of you. That's just crazy talk.

It's Noble To Be A Gracious Woman

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I am disheartened to see that so many women have allowed themselves to become course, disrespectful and less beautiful in their manner of language, behavior and dress. Women were created to be beautiful, kind, gentle, strong, loving and brave. To see women give into the lowest common denominator of behaviors is a sad and does not bode well for the future of society.

There is nothing pretty about course language coming from women's mouths. Speaking about sweet, tender things with vulgarity cheapens your life and disrespects your partner. There is nothing funny, witty or charming about speaking cruel words. There is nothing lovely about bragging about how "bitchy" you can be. There is nothing that makes you more healthy or whole in attacking or tearing down others. Bragging that you don't care what other people think of you is silly because if you really didn't care you wouldn't sound so angry when you said it. I believe all these things make a soul weak and I see so frequently women who are at the emotional breaking point, who do not have the personal strength they need to survive their lives and the challenges that come to all.

Let me make a call to inspire women to be gracious, lovely, beautiful women. You have so much to give, are so talented, with so much inherent love to give. Let's use those things in beauty, can we. And can we turn the tide back from this disheartening path women are so angrily rushing towards that only minimizing them and diminishes all they have to give. Please do not be a contributor in bringing more ugliness, meanness and coarseness to our world. Do not let that be your legacy. Find wonderful, beautiful women and study them find out how you can become more like them and make the most of all your innate beauty and talents. There is far more for us to reach for than things that would make us weaker, less beautiful and more vulnerable to the jostling of life's challenges. There is more to each and every one of us than this. Let us rise up together and be the force for good in the world we were created to be. Much love to you.

A Reintegration Update: It Gets Easier

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My husband has been home for about four months now. I thought it was a good time to give you an encouraging update about the reintegration process. First let me say, it has been blissful and glorious and there have been a few very dark days. There were a few days sprinkled in where I was not sure our family would survive post-combat stress and other challenges. But we held it together and I came to realize that those scary moments would pass with a little space, or a good night's rest or a decent meal.

One thing I learned was to NOT exacerbate the stress situations for my husband. That meant don't do anything that added gasoline to the already burning fire. When he was upset, feeling frustrated and hopeless about his/our future the best thing I can do is let him know I love him and believe in him and our future and then leave the area and give him some space. If that isn't an option, I really have to wrangle all of my strength to not let myself get drawn into a fight and make things worse by saying things that only worsen the situation. As I went along I learned simple things I could say or do to help calm the situation down.

I also learned that there were a lot of things I could to to help my husband avoid getting to that stressed out point. These include helping make sure he eats regularly so his blood sugar doesn't get too low, getting as much sleep as possible, giving him massages to help relax muscles and making sure he gets time to work out. It also helps to make plans with friends and spend time together as a family. Sometimes it is better not to make plans and just give him some downtime and learning the difference in what he needs has been very important.

One of the harder but most beneficial things we have done as part of the reintegration process was attending the Returning Warrior Workshop. That brought up a lot of stress for my husband but I think he also realized that everyone else felt the same stresses as he did, just maybe in slightly different ways. But he found a community of people who could relate to what it feels like to return from a very abnormal situation (war) and try to reintegrate into the family and home environment. I think it was a great help for most of the attendees.

We have had some amazingly charming days as a family and together as a couple. Our reunion has been sweet. We have participated in the FOCUS program, designed to help families in reintegration build resiliency and learn to adjust to their new normal together. It has been wonderful. We have learned a lot as a family and about our individual roles in the family and how we can each bless our family. The people we have worked with have been amazingly gracious and insightful in addressing our family's unique and individual needs.

Reintegration is survivable and you can even come out of it thriving. There is a lot of help available and if you think it will help, by all means get involved in every program you can to help you through. That is my recommendation. I've have learned a lot about myself and how I think and how my upbringing has affected, for good or bad, the way I handle stress and deal with problems. That has helped me see how I can be better and do better. We've gone through that same process as a family, seeing what has worked, what doesn't work and how we can more effectively work together to have a happy, peaceful, successful family.

Don't survive all of deployment only to lose everything in reintegration. Help is available, professionally and within the ranks of all the others who have survived it. Don't suffer in silence. Reach out and see your bright, beautiful future. Four months into reintegration I am happy to see we are finding our new normal and it's better than what we had when he left for deployment.

Men & Women: We Miss Each Other Differently

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Here's a lesson I've learned over the years of having my boyfriend/fiance/husband travel frequently. I always miss him most right when he leaves. Things get a little stressful, he gets super busy and I am just standing there watching him pack trying to stay out of the way. Next I have to say goodbye, dropping him off at the airport, a ship, or a base farewell. After that I am suddenly all alone, the silence is loud and overwhelming and I feel a little lost.

Then I have to get busy doing something because the missing him hurts too much. Some trips it hurts much more than others but the void is always felt immediately. I often take a fun detour on the way home to distract myself or make plans with a friend in those first few days. One of the hardest parts of those first few days is that this is when I miss him most but it's also when he will be busiest, most distracted or even totally out of contact for a while. So the missing him stings even more when you don't know when you'll hear from him or only get a quick "check in" call and have no conversations for a while. Around this time the calls always seemed to be few and far between, rushed, or non-existent. At first it made me sad that he didn't seem to miss me much when I was missing him so much. He sounded busy, too tired and distracted and being a girl I tended to take it personally. 

Then I started noticing a pattern. I missed him the very most right when he left. That was when I had to push myself to not let my emotions get the best of me. I intentionally would get busy on projects and other activities and within two or three days I was having fun, getting things done and the days started to pass more quickly and more happily. Soon I was rushing to get everything done I wanted to before he got home. Sometimes that included visits with family, sometimes it was DIY projects, or reorganizing the entire house.

Sometime around the third week of him being gone I would suddenly start getting lots of calls from him. He would want to talk a lot more. He started using more "I really miss you!" vocabulary. He was really interested in me and often sounded homesick talking about missing meals I cooked, or just wishing he could do some everyday activities with us. This would continue right up until he got home. At the same time I would be totally distracted with my projects and not feeling that deep "missing you" feeling much, even though I did really miss him. I would wish it had been like that in the beginning when I really needed him. But instead I knew how to be there for him, after all he was the the one away from home.

Once I saw this pattern played out a few times, it was easy to skip having hurt feelings at the beginning when it seemed like he didn't miss me or care about me.  Instead I just remembered he was knee deep in traveling, jetlagged, getting adjusted to completely new environments and often swamped with paperwork, assignments and projects.

Now I recognize that time for what it is and look forward to that first call or email when I can tell he is really missing me and our little family. On deployment it happened the day they ended training just before they flew out to the war zone. Boy did I get some amazing messages and calls from him in that 24-hr. period. Of course I'd been crying, missing him like crazy for the three weeks while he was in 118 degree temperatures, just trying to survive training in the blazing hot, humid south in July. That day they flew out it was like he had to say everything in his heart before he left the country just in case. I still cherish those sweet words. I added them onto the side of a picture of him and posted it on my Love Board so that I would never forget them. I try to read them often.

His big "I miss you" moments don't always happen right when mine do, or when I think I most want them to happen. But they are always fantastic when they do come. So instead of being irritated about "why" they haven't happened on my own timeline or "if" they will happen, I just look forward to that moment when they will happen. They will happen and I have to be grateful for them and cherish them and enjoy the surprise of never knowing just when and how they will happen. And I have to remember that just because it doesn't seem like he's missing me as badly as I'm missing him at the beginning, there's a reason and he will miss me soon enough.

The "He Said He'd Call" Tantrum

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It often gets me thinking when I hear MilSos express how annoyed they are when their other half doesn't call. I totally understand the desire for the call and it certainly can be frustrating when they can call you but you can't call them when you want to. I get the desire to want to spend time with them and want to hear their voices. I know the loneliness. But sometimes it just sounds very immature particularly when the other half is in a war zone, on a ship, working long shifts every day and calling is not always easy.

Here are a few reasons to consider that explain why he might not call:

1) He's worked a 12-hour shift and it was really crummy. He's allowed to be exhausted. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. His number one job is to hold himself together for his unit. That means he has to take care of himself and keep himself rested and well, which is nearly impossible to do most of the time.

2) Due to situations beyond his control he does not have any private place where he can call.

3) The situation may have changed at work and the time he thought he would be free is no longer free to him.

4) He might be missing home too much to call. Sometimes it hurts to be away more than he wants to discuss or feel.

5) He may be taking a little time to have a little fun. This doesn't always come at the perfect time, but I think they should be entitled to have fun with coworkers when it presents itself. Sometimes that might mean they have to bump a call. But again it's no knock against you.

6) Maybe his stress level is high and he doesn't want to pass that on to you. Or he just can't hear any more about your problems and complaints about the distance. There isn't much he can do to help and sometimes it becomes overwhelmingly frustrating to hear it and not be able to help.

7) Maybe he's giving you space to stand on your own and be more independent. Sometimes we gals can get a little too dare I say "desperate" sounding with our I Miss Yous and Why Aren't You Here With Mes. Sometimes we need the space to step up to the plate.

8) There may be an emergency situations. That could mean communications blackouts, they are on a last minute mission, there has been an incident they have to be totally focused on or something else that is critical they focus on. Being at home pouting and stomping our feet because we didn't get a call seems particularly embarrassing in this scenario!

I know there are other very valid reasons why they don't call some days. The key is to not take it personally or get overly worked up about it. Don't let it wreck your whole day. He's just one person, it's just one call. There are plenty of other great interactions and good things we can incorporate into a day. Part of growing up and getting older is to find balance in relationships, how we use our time, what we focus our thoughts on.

While calls are pretty fantastic and awesome, our lives shouldn't totally revolve around them. Surely we have more good we can bring to the world if we focus some of our time and thoughts elsewhere during the day. Men want to be with women more when they feel it's not demanded or necessary to keep the woman pulled together. A little independence is a very sexy thing and that allows us to be fabulous rather than annoying when they do have time to call. And I think that means they'll do more to try to call more often when they get lovely on the other end, instead of "WHERE WERE YOU!" or "I WAITED FOR HOURS FOR YOU!" screeched at them first thing.

It's great you can communicate, even multiple times a day. But if you have to go a day or a few days you will be okay. Buck up and make great things happen for you while you wait.

Massage: Relieving Post-deployment Stress

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I've always loved a good massage and at some point I really started studying the art of massage and body energy. I have read books, talked a lot with massage therapists and even considered going to massage school. I have learned that you will always be very popular among friends & family if you can do a good shoulder massage. I even received a marriage proposal once for a good back rub. Haha.

Well I've found a great way to help my husband combat his post deployment stress levels and help him relax more. Massage. I have noticed that if I can give him some massage time every day things go more smoothly. If I forget a let a few days pass, he begins to get edgy. One lesson I have learned, a bit the hard way, is that no matter how on edge he is, he will almost never turn down a massage. So even when he is struggling, I can sneak in a massage and it really helps him.

It's one of those simple little solutions that help keep a marriage strong and a family happy. I am really interested in learning Reiki as well. I have had some amazing experiences with Reiki treatments and healing myself and would love to become a practitioner myself too. I am sure many spouses have found little things that have really helped keep the stress levels down at home after deployment. I'd love to hear some of them. Please leave a comment!

MilSo Life Lesson: Compartmentalizing Stress

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One of the best lessons I have learned as a military spouse is to compartmentalize stress. When your husband is deployed, you have the entire house and family to keep afloat and you're exhausted you learn what is really worth getting worked up about, giving your time to or even entertaining in your thoughts.

Very quickly you learn to prioritize. For me it became 1) Keeping my husband, child & myself alive, healthy and sane. Everything else became a distant second, third or just plain dropped off the scale all together.

I did not have time to pout, sulk or have hurt feelings. I had a Navy family to keep afloat. I didn't have time for extended family drama and learned to take appropriate actions when necessary but definitely not to let it keep me up at night! Too busy for that!

I let go of unnecessary commitments and learned not to feel sorry in the least when I had to say "No" to requests for my time and invitations that made my life more stressful than less.

Learning what stress I was willing to entertain and what I refused to pick up was a something I learned through trial and error. I learned how to be helpful to my husband and provide him an escape valve for his frustrations without his negative feelings affecting me. I learned to let go of it all as soon as we got off the call. This was super valuable. While I expressed love and compassion and wished all good things for him, his frustrations, exhaustion and stress were not necessary for me to carry as well. Taking a few minutes to cleanse myself of those negative energies allowed me to return to a healthy state very quickly after a frustration-filled call and to tend to responsibilities that were mine to manage.

Emotional exhaustion teaches you pretty quickly that you can't worry about your significant other dying in the war every day. Or that your relationship will fail, or a million other tragic, terrifying worries that can plague the mind. Some days that worry is heavy and some days you just have to say, "Ah screw that. I can't worry about that today" and live your life. Learning not to obsess over doom & gloom possibilities means it's more likely you'll get some sleep, be healthier and happier during deployment. Remembering that the odds are in your favor that things will be okay can be helpful.

I also learned how important it is to take time for me. If you see a woman acting crazy or looking downtrodden it's usually because she isn't making time to take care of her own well-being. My big lesson during deployment was that it's no one's responsibility but my own to carve out that time, make it happen and take good care of myself. No one wants a crazy lady for a wife or a mom. They are okay with you taking some time to pull yourself together and keep it together. It requires awareness, discipline and organization, but you're always better for having done it!

These are important skills that I needed to learn as part of my human experience. Things that I wasn't as good at before. I consider these things the blessings of deployment. These are hard earned lessons but they will serve me for a lifetime.

Deployment: The Hardest Day Of The Week

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Friday nights always seemed like the hardest day of the week during deployment for me. It was easy to stay busy during the weekdays but on Friday night for some reason it always hit me that my best pal was so very far away.

Maybe it was hearing everyone talk about their weekend plans, or knowing that all my married lady friends would be busy all weekend with their husbands and kids that made it seem especially lonely. Maybe it was regret that I hadn't made plans to go do something with other people. 

Most weekends of deployment, Clementine spent with her mother so I was here alone, even when she was living here and going to school. My weekends during deployment often consisted of watching TV on Friday night until late, maybe even falling asleep on our big comfortable couch. Then I would wake up Saturday morning and watch home decorating or cooking shows for a few hours while blogging or working on some other creative project. Some weekends I would find a romantic movie marathon on some cable network and watch while I worked in my pajamas right through the afternoon. If there was a movie in theaters that I wanted to see I would venture out early in the day Saturday by myself.

By evening time I would be antsy and bored to get out of the house, if I hadn't yet, and I would get dressed and find somewhere to go and wander. I would often start at a favorite Mexican take-out restaurant then hit a few stores between there and home. I might buy a couple small things we needed or splurge on a new shirt. After church on Sundays I would often straighten up the house and spend some time writing letters to my husband to mail throughout the coming week.

Looking back I wonder why I didn't try to make more plans with friends. That was one thing I planned on and expected I would do while my husband was gone. Even though the weekends often felt deeply lonely, I found I usually preferred the quiet of being alone for so many hours. I needed the physical rest and to slow down. It helped me recharge my batteries and take time to think about things that I love and are important to me in all parts of my life. It was time to exercise my creativity, to listen to my soul and give attention to my life.

The ebb and flow of deployment is so individual to the person experiencing it. How did you like to spend your weekends? What day was the hardest for you?

Helping When There's Nothing You Can Do

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Some days you'll get a called from your deployed loved one and they will be distraught, frustrated, angry and more. Unfortunately you can't fly over and fix any of the things that are bothering them, causing them grief or driving them crazy.

They might want to vent their frustrations on you or just plain might not be very, shall we call it, "polite." Here's the best thing you can do in these situations since there really isn't much you can do. I tried this many times and it always helped diffuse bad situations and bring calm to conversations and peace in the aftermath.

"I am so sorry that things are difficult. If there was anything I could do to change things for you I would do it in a heartbeat. I have complete faith in you. I am praying for you and so are many other people. I know God is watching out for you and He knows how you feel. I believe things will get better. You can do it. You are strong and wonderful. I love you and am sending you warm thoughts and positive vibrations."

Just telling them you have faith in them and that they are in your prayers does wonders. Just yesterday my husband thanked our daughter for her prayers while he was in Afghanistan and he told her that he felt them and that he believed they did a lot of good. He also wrote us a card in the last weeks of deployment that shared very similar sentiments.

When you tell your loved one that they are not alone, it must be one of the most comforting gifts you can give them. Sometimes it's all they need to get through a rough day and keep trekking forward with confidence, peace and contentment.

Do you have any specific things you do in such a situation as this? Please share in the comments below. It's so great for us all to enjoy each other's experiences and learn from them. Sending you and yours my very best wishes. Prayers for those of you in deployment now.