The He's Home Everyone! Syndrome

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A lesson learned during the reintegration process. Don't have big expectations about making plans, socializing and spending time with other people once your man returns from deployment. Here's what I've learned from my man about being around other people and reintegration:

• He is super tired and does not have a lot of stamina for planned events. Never wants to go when it's time to leave and doesn't want to stay long. Plan accordingly and lower your own expectations.

• Crowds tend to make him anxious and he starts getting on edge. He's used to being on alert all the time, when you throw him into a busy environment, his spidey senses feel like they are on overdrive...and remember how tired he is. Bad combo!

• While you're excited to let people see that he's home, he may feel like he's being paraded around. I have avoided this and yet I still get that complaint even when we just go to church, etc. Situations where people will make a fuss over his return should be gently entered in to. He might be just fine once he gets there or he may not be able to handle it. Gauge the situation and be supportive.

• Give him small opportunities to get to know and bond with people who have been your big supporters while he's been gone. Introduce him, tell him why it meant a lot to you and then let him chat with them on his own.

• Anticipate that he may fall asleep in church, a movie, or anywhere you go. Again, he didn't get a decent night's sleep for the past year. Any time he feels he is in a safe and peaceful place his body will likely shut down for desperately needed rest.

• Even if he suggests or makes social plans, when it's time to execute the plans he may not want to go at all and be grumpy. Don't make any plans that you can't easily excuse yourselves from without a lot of explanation.

• Avoid loud noises. Even just hearing me doing the dishes can be a little jarring for my husband right now. Be mindful of places where there is a lot of noise that might rattle him that wouldn't even garner notice by you. Be sensitive to his rattled senses and emotions.

• Try to let him take the lead on activities he feels up to doing. When I pushed and pushed for him to go with me to an activity that was really important to me it didn't go too well. We got there late and ended up leaving early and I felt the whole night was worse than if we'd not gone at all.

• Appreciate and recognize ebbs and flows. Some days things might not bother him much at all and other days they might feel like a ton of bricks hitting him. Know that some days will be better than others and anticipate that how he feels will change from day to day.

• Be patient. Reintegration is a whirlwind. Some days are amazingly happy and other days can be terrifyingly difficult. Do whatever you can to lighten his load and to work together as you go forward. There will be time for friends and fun, just don't rush it. Be willing for forego some of your fun to stand by his side.

What have you learned from your reintegration experience about reintegrating into your social life? I'd love to hear your wisdom!

Post Deployment: Who Am I Now?

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Now that we've finished our one-year war-zone deployment, I've been thinking about who I am now. I'm not saying I have been completely defined by the fact that my husband was preparing for deployment and then deployed for the past year but it definitely was the most impactful thing happening to us in our life up to this point. It has very much defined the daily events of my life, my greatest fears, most supportive efforts and my thoughts, health and well-being every day.

Being the family of a deployed service member is it's own special planet in many ways. After living on such a high-anxiety planet for so long now I feel like I'm taking off an entire suit of armor, putting down a huge shield I've been carrying and now putting on a tee shirt and sporty skirt and being jettisoned elsewhere. It's a big change of thought process and perspective and there is a very strange period of mourning. letting go and readjustment you have to make. Part of me wants to cover my ears and never hear another news story about Afghanistan and the other half of me feels it would be grossly disloyal to stop caring about the welfare of every one of our military members there just because my husband came home alive.

Now that we've left Planet Deployment, I feel like I am staring at a new part of the universe, considering where we want to go from here and how we want to get there. I've been looking at my goals, hopes and dreams and feel a new freedom to reach for some things, take time for myself a little more and stretch my wings more. It's a fun feeling. I like looking out over so many possibilities and thinking about where I'd like to go first.

I'm thinking about finishing up a book I started the last couple of months of deployment. I want to take  music lessons and make use of the beautiful instrument that sits in the corner of my room unused. I want to shake up our routine, check out new neighborhoods and refresh everything about our life. I'm liking this feeling. I can't wait to see where it takes me in my journey with my darling little family. It's fun to have new things to look forward to.

Some day I will get used to the fact that everywhere I go I no longer need to explain why my husband seems like just an invisible friend no one ever really sees, why my daughter, at least publicly seems fatherless, that I am not a single mother. I will get completely used to making daily decisions as a couple again. I will lay down that fearful, desperate need to check the news every night right before bed to see if anyone has died in Afghanistan that morning. I will quit imagining what I would do if two men showed up at my door in uniform to make a death notification. I'll relax more.

I knew when my husband came home we would have to reinvent our life. But I didn't imagine how much I would have to reinvent my life and how I define myself once he came home. It's a pretty interesting journey.

Have you gone through a strange personal transition once your service member came home? What surprised you? What excited you?

I Am Going Home, He Wrote

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Last week I was passing by one of my husband's piles of things that have not yet found a home since he returned from deployment. On top was an small yellow manila envelope. I easily recognized the written addresses as my handwriting along with three red hearts drawn on the lower right corner, signifying my husband, me and our daughter.

Then I saw something scribbled on the front in red ballpoint pen. It said, "I am going home here!" in all caps with several exclamation points and an arrow pointing to our home address. Above the home address his name had been written in with the same red ink and it was all circled.

Such a simple message but I imagined the depth of feeling behind the few words written. I wondered why he had written this. Had he written in it on a day when he was particularly homesick? Had he been scared and needed the encouragement? Was he writing this message to cheer himself on? Was this a shout to the Gods demanding that he would make it? Was it near the end and was this his way of giving the middle finger to deployment?

I know that if I asked him I would probably never get a straight answer. He might be a little embarrassed that I saw it, I'm not sure. In a way I prefer never knowing exactly why he did. But I love that he did. I love that home meant so much and that coming home meant so much - that he was looking forward to it with a level of enthusiasm that required bunches of exclamation points.

My man, like so many other men, particularly military men, is not a man who gushes emotional sentiments. But I know in his heart he is vastly more feeling, emotional and complicated than he would ever let on. I like seeing little glimpses of that part of him along the path of our daily lives. I love that envelope and I am going to make sure we save it.

The Barrage of "Why Didn't You Just" Questions

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Here's one right out of all the best deployment handbooks - When a service member returns from deployment they should refrain from repeatedly questioning their partner about why they did things they way they did. This can range from how one handled the checkbook, took care of the cars, raised the kids, moved the furniture, took care of themselves - oh there are just thousands of possibilities here.

I'm not sure why, but people in a deployed war zone seem to imagine the rest of us with nothing much to do, no stress, no financial worries, abundant amounts of time to get anything needed or wanted done and always feeling like a million bucks. They don't seem to get that the worry about them alone is enough to kill every one of us from a heart attack or stroke!!! Am I right?! They don't see that we don't sleep well the entire time they are gone, often have kids waking us up in the middle of the night.

They seem to forget that we have kids climbing on us 24-hours a day. The great part about that one is that it's a rude awakening when they get home. Huge amounts of kid energy bombarding them is a real humbling moment for them when they realize how exhausting it is after just a few minutes when you've been doing it alone for a year. They seem to forget that we have three meals to put on the table every day by ourselves and have limited amounts of time and energy to spend on the phone with insurance companies, doctors, lawyers, repairmen, banks, schools and airlines.  

I was ready for this one. Remember, I'd read all the books! But even then I still felt pretty defensive when questioned repeatedly, the first few days about how I handled things for A YEAR while he was away. (Let't not forget here that he was away for most of the two years before that as well.) I tried a variety of approaches all of which didn't satisfy him and made me feel like a little kid trying to come up with some reason to not be in the dog house. When in reality I didn't think I'd done anything wrong in the first place. No I hadn't done everything perfectly while he was gone, but by hell, the ship was still afloat and we were all still alive and the house was clean when he got here.

There is no way to ask "Why didn't you just ___" without it sounding like a put down - as if any moron could have done it better than you did. I think they think they are helping because they believe their idea would've made life easier for you. Unfortunately again that implies you made a poor choice that wore you out more than it needed to. Insulting again.

Finally, about the third or fourth day he was home I'd had enough of all the Monday Morning quarterbacking. In a moment of sheer frustration or perhaps inspiration I turned to him and said, "I can't changed anything about how I handled our home life during your deployment. It's too late now. I did the best I could do. Questioning me about how I did everything now, my dear man, is a one-way ticket to hell for you, for me and for all of us. No good can come of this."

He looked at me and said, "You're right. You're right." And that was the end of it. We have not had that conversation again since. It was amazing how he just let it go. I was seriously impressed! Sometimes you get lucky and find just the right words to diffuse a situation permanently. Whew! And now we return to our regularly scheduled blissful reintegration. I love him even more for choosing the best outcome for me, himself and our family!

An Amazing Homecoming Celebration Date Night

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My husband and I had the joy of spending Memorial Day weekend together on base, near the beach. It was our first time together alone. It was fantastic and at times challenging. We had a special date night planned for Saturday to celebrate his return and my birthday. Unfortunately our plans kind of fell apart at the last minute, we were running very late with errands, both tired and grumpy. We decided to have a do-over later in the weekend and it was beyond perfect.

We had an amazing evening eating dinner on a balcony overlooking the bay and city skyline as the large, almost full moon rose over the skyscrapers. It was romantic and sweet and the food was amazing. It was the kind of food that stops you in your tracks with every bite. We were amazed and enjoyed delicious mouthful. For dessert the restaurant presented the birthday girl with a beautiful little three-layer red velvet cake. It was incredible.

We left the restaurant and took a walk along the water. It was such a lovely night. It was so good to be so peaceful, easy together and relaxed. Our life is so busy that this doesn't happen nearly enough. But every time we make the time, we remember again what brought us together in the first place and how much we enjoy being together. Three cheers for date night and for special homecoming celebrations!

Plan For Homecoming Exhaustion

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Here's a little tip from our homecoming week experience. Expect to be exhausted. Your returning service member will be exhausted from deployment, the time change and jet lag. That's pretty much a given. What surprised me was how tired everyone on the homefront, we who welcomed him home were. Everyone on the homefront will be exhausted from all the excitement, anticipation and likely a lot of house cleaning and other rushed preparations at the end of deployment.

My husband was taking three or four naps a day and sleeping only half of the night the first week or so. He would be wide awake about 2 a.m. That meant a lot of times I was awake too because he's not so good at being quiet in the middle of the night. We all took long naps in the afternoons. We were just one tired, worn our bunch. Many an afternoon the three of us would crawl onto our bed and crash for a couple of hours or more. Four hour naps for my husband and our little one were not uncommon.

So plan that into your schedule as you look at homecoming. Don't pack the schedule too tightly or expect too much from everyone every day. Leave a lot of flexibility for resting up, especially for your service member. Give them a few days to catch up with things before planning parties, events and places they have to be. It's good to let them ease back into things at home at a pace they are comfortable with. It will be a challenging readjustment period.

I found myself being fiercely protective of my husband his first couple of weeks home. I wanted him to rest and take care of himself. Beyond that I was very protective of him and his energies. I didn't make any public announcement about him being home. I just let him rest a lot, made him a lot of good meals and we did a lot of cuddling as a family.

Take care of your service member, yourself and your family first and foremost. Celebrations and big events can wait. Plan on a big emotional release and being tired when that happy end of deployment comes.

Changing Out Of The Uniform

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When my husband first returned to the U.S. we were staying with him on base while he went through his post-deployment phase. After a few days I realized he was still wanting to wear his uniform night and day. Even in the evenings he would not take it off. Then I realized he had been wearing it pretty much night and day for a full-year. It was what he put on every day and took off at night to go to bed for a few short hours. Then it went right back on the next morning.

The more I thought about this the more I realized that he knew where all his stuff was in all the pockets and storage spaces. For a year, he had had everything he needed within arms reach in a shoulder, chest or pants pocket. He had a routine and the uniform was his comfort zone.

Even after being in our home for a week he keeps his uniform very close to him. He hasn't unloaded the pockets or put the last uniform he wore home in the wash. Although I'm guessing the poor, worn out uniform might disintegrate in the washer after a couple of agitations. Right now the top of his uniform is hanging near our front door for easy access and the pants are on his desk.

I would've thought the first thing he would want to do once he got home was to get out of his uniform but when I realized that not only was it his "coat of armor" for the past year, but it was also his comfort zone and his mobile "home" day in and day out it all made sense. It was one of the first things that taught me empathy for his journey back from a war zone to America to our family life. That can't be an easy transition, but I'm here, walking with him patiently, letting him find his place and loving him every step of the way.

I Can't Get Enough Of This Guy

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I have to confess that I am like a little puppy dog following my husband around. I just want to be with him every second. I could follow him around the house all day. It's a little bit ridiculous and I know it, but at the same time I can't quite help myself.

I talked with a doctor this past week about anxiety and he said that in times of high stress or adjustment everything starts to feel bigger and more scary than it is. I think there is some part of me that doesn't want anything to happen to my husband now that we've survived deployment. I don't want to risk letting him out of my sight. As if I could protect him from anything, silly right? We've already been apart quite a few nights since he first came home and I have to admit saying goodbye to him even for a few days is very hard right now. When he left a few days ago I was grumpy & not very nice all morning. I kept apologizing & explaining but I was still unable to wrangle my tense attitude completely.

I think I also am trying to make up all the time we lost this past year, even though I know it doesn't work that way and I deep down know that I don't need to feel that way. I just need to enjoy every moment I have with him, but I still feel a little crazed that I just can't get close enough to him and can't be with him enough. I realize this is an illogical response to normal emotions.

I am restraining myself as much as possible from acting like a nut. But boy do I like being around this boy and it is pretty fantastic. It's good to have him home and to love him more and appreciate him more and enjoy him more than I ever have. Despite all the challenges that come with trying to find our new way forward for our family after being apart for a year. The fun we're having is definitely a bright spot that I am enjoying every day.

10 Things I've Loved About Him Coming Home

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Imagining that everything will be nothing but rosy and you will be nothing but cheerful as reintegration begins, sadly I've found to be impossible. Yes, there is SO much to be happy about. But there are things that are hard to adjust to, even when you know the possibilities in advance. It does help to have studied up on Reintegration, but it doesn't make one foolproof unfortunately. Oh, if only I could overlook the disastrous mess our living room now is, how our daily schedule has been shot to hell and I can't seem to stay on top of anything now, and I didn't feel anxious every time I think about my husband going out of town even for a short trip. But let's get back to all that happy stuff. Here are 10 things that I love about him being home.

1.Hugs and kisses. Oh it's good to get a hug when I'm tired and have been busy all day.

2. Falling asleep next to him. After a year of difficulty sleeping, I fall asleep within seconds if I lie on my side, holding his hand with my head on his shoulder. Just thinking about that makes my heart rate quickly drop.

3. Laughing with him. He has brought so much lighthearted fun back to our home. I love how silly he can be and how much more laughter there is here when he is here. Boys, no matter how big they are, are still fun little boys.

4. His smile. Obviously he is very tired still. Sometimes when he sneaks into our room to lie down for a few minutes, if I suddenly appear right up against him on the bed, trying to curl up with him, he gets the best "What are you up to little girl?" smile on his face that totally delights me. I missed that smile. I did see it a few times on Skype but it's much better to see it multiple times a day when he sees me shimmying up to him with a big smile on my face wherever he might be.

5. Parenting backup. Hooray for someone else in the house who can say, "Yes, young lady you ARE going to get up off the floor and go brush your teeth, NOW." I got so tired of what began to feel like nagging monologues trying to cajole our little one to get up, get dressed, to get hair and teeth brushed and every other little event that needed to happen throughout the day. Yay for some help!

6. Another adult in the front seats. I love being driven around instead of doing all the driving. When we do take my car, I love having someone in the passenger seat. It has been empty for SO long! Car conversation that achieves heights grander than early grade school are divine. Oh yes, please!

7. Seeing my cell phone "Recent Calls" list almost totally filled with his name. No more of that long distance communication, at least for a while.

8. Having him check up on me. I covered this topic here. This makes me so happy!

9. Early morning conversations. One of my favorite things is us both waking up in the middle of the night and having a great conversation. I don't get how this happens, but it's when we have some of our best talks. I think it's because we're relaxed and we're too tired to be anything but authentic. Last week it was 2:00-3:00 AM. Silly, but lovely.

10. Date night. Last weekend we went out for our first date night. It was romantic and gorgeous and lovely. It felt so good to reconnect as "just us." Not the us who run a household, who need to run errands, who are parents, but the us that met and started dating a few years ago. It's nice to have a boyfriend again!

I could go on and on, there are so many things to be completely thrilled about with him home again. It's amazing, thrilling and interesting. What have been your favorite things about ending deployment and having your partner in life at home again?

The Homecoming Gear Disaster Is Here

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I'm holding back. I'm holding back. After spending weeks reorganizing the house and cleaning it from top to bottom before we left to pick up Hubs, the entire living room looks like a deserted war zone of clutter, half unpacked bags, stacks of gear and clothing. I have learned that I am not alone in this experience. It seems to happen to many military spouses. They walk in the door, you are thrilled to see them and kaboom the entire house is wrecked and covered in gear that they are too tired and busy to put away.

He was only home for 36 hours and had to head back to base. He won't be back for three weeks. So I have to accept that the living room is going to look like that for three weeks. I am not even considering moving anything because if he can't find it, things only get worse. And honestly, I have no idea where any of it would go. There is no space in this small apartment to absorb anything more. Much of it will have to go in storage on base. When that will happen is anyone's best guess.

As much as I want to say, "Gosh I'm just so lucky he's home in one piece. I should be grateful he's here to make such a mess" and for that to be enough -- and it should be -- I not yet woman enough to overlook the mess and not feel frustrated. So I have a life lesson to learn here, don't I! It's one I'm going to have to work on - a lot!

Because really it's just stuff everywhere. And I AM SO LUCKY he's home in one piece. Ah, this reintegration journey, it's not an easy one. But perhaps the greatest lesson in it all is learning to appreciate the good stuff, know what's worth fighting for and to let go of things that will heal with time. I pray my living room will heal and look pristine once again some day in the near future. Maybe by Flag Day!

Homecoming: The Things He Missed

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One of the more comical things we've experienced since Hubs came home a week ago is realizing all the things he totally missed out on while he was gone, for better or worse. The little one and I have been laughing, winking and smiling at each other on the side as we watch Hubs re-discover our world as it is a year after he walked away and headed to the war zone.

Last week we were on base at the NEX and as we walked through the Men's Department, there were several TVs playing Psy's Gangnam Style video. Hubs had no idea what it was. We were totally surprised since it have been everywhere (hello over 1 billion views on YouTube alone!) and I have seen several military/war zone remakes of the video. Hubs stood there totally transfixed, perhaps stunned. He watched the entire video, cracking up and trying to understand, as most people have, how this video became the worldwide craze that it was.

It was hilarious to watch him. The little one stood there giggling that Dad had never seen this before and watching him discovering it for the first time. We've had some good laughs together, she and I, at the humor that homecoming is fraught with at times.

Later the same day the three of us went to the Commissary with the intention to pick up some sushi for Hubs. We got a small cart and intended to pick up a few food items to take back to the hotel room and for Hubs to keep with him while he continues post-deployment training, meetings, medical checks, etc. A half hour later we'd only made it down two aisles. Hubs had to check out everything and everything looked good to him. I was reminded of an important lesson, never take him to the grocery store hungry. Holy smokes!

Forty minutes later, with a cart totally overflowing with snack foods, protein powders, drinks and fruit, we were nowhere near done. In the chips aisle, Little One looked at me and said with a big smile, "Wow, it's like Dad's discovered a whole new world." She laughed. I had to laugh too.

Another 20 or so minutes we were finally at check out. As the bagger packed our things she looked at me and said, "Are you guys staying at the lodge?" A bit surprised, I replied, "Yes, can you tell from all the easy to eat snack food?" She laughed, "Yes!" I had to laugh that she so had our number. But it makes sense, we had absolutely no food staples in our cart, no milk, bread, cheese, cereal, produce or other home necessities. It was Daddy's snack food extravaganza!

The next day as we ate at the NEX Food Court there was a news show about the Boston Marathon bombing on the TVs. I asked him if he'd heard about it and from the basic facts he gave me, I could tell that he had missed the majority of the drama and the stress the country had felt in those days. Trying to give him a  quick recap was basically impossible.

I have learned that trying to explain anything to a recently returned deployed man in more than two sentences is a futile process. How do you encapsulate all that happened in those days down to two sentences? Impossible. So I tried and may have made some progress in four sentences, but I really don't think my explanation covered it or that he followed all of it.

Not only did he miss a ton of stuff on the homefront that we'll never really get him caught up on, but there are silly things and important things in the world that he missed too. It will be interesting to see what else we uncover as we go forward. I am sure some of it will make us laugh and some will make us a little sad too.

Things We Won't Tell My Husband Episode 8

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Things We Won't Tell My Husband is a little list of laugh or tear worthy things I probably won't ever tell my husband. I'm not keeping them from him, they probably just won't ever come up in all the catch up we have to do after him being gone for a year with spotty communications. I started this weekly column because I thought other military girlfriends and wives would relate. Maybe I should've called this "things that won't mean the same to my husband as they mean to me" or something like that. 

1. How much I love that he collected and traded patches during his deployment. Such a cute boyish thing to do and so totally cool too. He has an awesome collection.

2. How much I just love to stare at him now that I get to see him for a few days. He's off again today, bummer. A few weeks now before I'll see him again.

3. Speaking of which. I won't tell him how much it's hurting me to let him go away again already. Ouch, ouch, ouch. (Okay, I told him.)

4. How much I love being able to call him on his cell or for him call me. We did not have easy phone contact while he was gone. Love seeing his name come up on my phone display.

5. (I told him this one) How much I loved seeing him cooking in our kitchen on his one night at home. He made the most killer gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches. We enjoyed them with fresh guacamole, lemonade, cherries and chips. Yum!

6. How much I love doing nice things for him. It's nice to be able to take care of him in person!

7. How much I am holding back to keep myself from chattering his ear off. Can't talk an entire year in one week. But I so want to.

8. How much I didn't realize he's missed about what was going on in America. He'd heard about the Boston Marathon bombing, but really didn't know anything about it. Not about the accused, Islamic ties, the whole 24-hour city lock down and capture, etc. Too hard to tell him the entire story in a few sentences!

9. How hilarious it was to watch him riveted to the video music displays in the men's department at the NEX when he first laid eyes on Psy and learned what Gangnam Style was. How is there anyone on earth that hasn't seen that in May 2013? Too funny. Our little one and I watched him staring and just laughed.

10. How glad I am to have a cheery little angel of a girl in our family as we are enter the reintegration process. She does not allow for grumpiness and at her age has learned that you have to control your own behavior so she's holding all the grown ups to that. When a grown up voice or voices get a little snippy or edgy she immediately sets us straight. Too cute. She's also full of hugs for Daddy and me and just a total joy to be around.

How about you? Any funny or sweet things your other half may never hear about?

Slinky Lingerie VS Cute Pajamas

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I love having girlfriends to talk to because they help you figure out so much things about your life. It's fantastic when you realize the stuff you are experiencing or wondering about are things your friends have thought about and sometimes even already figured out. I love it when they share their philosophies and can laugh about things that happen to lots of us.

For instance, I read in a magazine recently that most men could care less about lingerie because what they really want is you OUT of the lingerie. My husband isn't big into lingerie. I always thought that was weird, based on all the junk you see on TV, in movies and in those ridiculous women's magazine articles where they are constantly pushing trampy sexuality on women.

So I asked a girlfriend about it and she laughed out loud. She said her husband is totally the same way and she thinks there are lots of guys out there that aren't that into super slinky, revealing lingerie. She said her husband's favorite look for her is a tank top and pajama bottoms. That's what he loves. She said that knowing this she tries to keep a pretty selection of tanks and pajamas that look nice and give her that sweet, girlish look her husband likes.

I'm thinking about this again because I realized that I let one important thing slip. I bought a couple of cute new shirts, new jeans and a beach cover up to wear the week of homecoming activities & reunion, I got my hair refreshed, I got a little sun on my cheeks, I gave my skin extra TLC. But I totally forgot sleepwear for the first few nights. That may be because with my current injuries the very idea of any pressure on my rib cage makes me want to cry. That's pretty sad because I've been looking forward to our homecoming honeymoon for a while now. But I'm sure we'll figure all that out and I'm definitely not going to refuse any advances by my very handsome husband. We're just going to have to be a little bit creative.

But I guess that's why I forgot to think about sleepwear. That or being distracted by all the housecleaning I needed to get done. Oh, I hate the homecoming housecleaning. I love the clean house but I hate all the work and the stress of it. Anyway, I'm suddenly on a tangent about housecleaning and seriously who wants to talk about that?! Bleeek.

So I needed to do one more quick shopping trip last Saturday. I went on a search for some cute sleepwear. It's tricky to find something that works with your body and fits the bill, but I did my best. Hope I found just the right things to let my husband know he's home and we're together.

Things That Will Change When He Gets Home

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I've been thinking about all the things I won't be doing so much and things I will be doing more once the hubs returns from deployment in less than a month. Here are a few.

1) I'll be watching guy movies again. I think the only "guy" movie I've watched since he's been gone is Act of Valor and I fast forwarded all the violent parts. LOL. I did see it, opening night with him in a theater full of Navy folks and saw everything the first time. Thought I could skip the torture scenes the second time. The first movie on our list, I'm guessing will be Iron Man 3.

2) I'll be hearing explosions, talk of super creepy river monsters and bigfoot coming from the TV again. Sigh. LOL.

3)  I will have some help with grocery shopping & taking out the garbage! YAY! YAY! YAY! I don't know why but he likes to go to the grocery store in the evenings. If I give him a list, he'll get more than chips and fruity drinks. haha.

4) I will be sleeping better and fall asleep faster listening to his heartbeat banging in his chest. I think he has some freak "Lance Armstrong" type heart. It bangs loudly!

5) I won't be totally responsible for getting the family out the door when we go places. He'll be here to make sure we have some water and snacks and help carry stuff to the car. I seem to be the one that forgets water all the time. He's also the "baby wipes always at the ready" guy.

6) I won't be seeing a Taco Bell drive-thru much. He's not a Taco Bell guy. I am a Taco Bell girl. I keep it simple a simple burrito & taco, but we never go there together.

7) I will have to share all the Little One's affections. What I hope this really means is just that she gives and gets twice as much love around the house. I don't want my allotment cut back. haha. I think the double the love plan will work out just fine.

8) There will be someone else around who is good at picking up and cleaning up. That sounds so awesome. It's amazing how quickly the messes can pile up around here especially with a mess-prone little person.

9) I won't have people assume that every stranger I'm sitting by or walking near is my husband. This sounds silly but I've had to explain "Oh, he's not my husband," to friends I haven't seen for a while and people I don't know more than a few times. It's especially weird when it's someone I wouldn't in ten million years marry, he's way older than me, or some other odd or creepy scenario.

10) I will let my guard down and relax a little more knowing I don't have to be the Alpha Dog 24/7. I think that is going to be bigger than I  realize. Sounds fantastic!

How about you? What changes for you or are you anticipating when deployment or long separations end? I love hearing your stories.

What The End Of Deployment Feels Like Part Two

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This is the second part in a series on What The End Of Deployment Feels Like. You can read Part One here. This of course is all from my perspective and other people might feel very differently. But if there is one thing that I have learned from great friendships and especially from other military spouses it's that we often do experience very similar emotions and situations in life. So it's great to share so we can gain from each other. Please always feel free to share your experiences in the comments section below. You never know who might read your words on just the day they needed to be inspired.

I shared the surprising not so positive feelings I've been having here at the end of deployment yesterday. Now today let's talk about the good stuff -- The blessings I feel at the end of deployment.

1) He's coming home. He's physically in one piece. There are so many people who couldn't say this at the end of deployment. If I am grateful for nothing else it has to be this!

2) We did it! We did! We did it! Hooray. Our goal was not to SURVIVE deployment but to THRIVE through deployment. I think we've accomplished that goal. It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been problem free but we have done even better than I hoped in getting through this year. We are more appreciative of each other, don't take each other for granted and our little one has been amazing through this. We have each grown and become better people. I love that. We did it and better than I hoped. 

3) We've been so blessed. I had no idea how many ways we'd be blessed during this year. There are so many wonderful people in organizations who have done the kindest things for our deployed family. Our church has gone to amazing lengths to support us and make sure I knew I had back up any time I needed it, 24/7. Our friends and family have been so good to us. Every one of these people has earned angel status in my book.

4) I have new, deeper perspectives on life. We have done something hard and it has taught me a lot of life lessons. Chief among those have been to appreciate life, time with loved ones and the blessings they bring to our lives. I've also learned to "let go and let God" in so many ways when I've had so little control of the safety  and well-being of my husband. I've also learned to take better care of myself, be even better about how I use my time and energies and to enjoy the happiness that exists in every day. Great blessings!

5) I've learned that nothing is ever as impossibly hard as we imagine it is. We just have to wake up every day and do our best that day. Honestly, deployment has been hard, I don't wish it on anybody. But it has not been anywhere near as hard as I imagined it to be. We have done really well and the time went by so much faster than I expected. It's good to remember that our imagination and fears are often our worst enemies. They often make things much scarier and intimidating than they will be in real life. We humans are capable of much more than we give ourselves credit for. Many thousands of people have survived deployment before and will yet survive. We're in good company!

Those are just a few things I'm celebrating here at the end of deployment. There are so many more things to celebrate and I can't wait to do that when we get him home. Favorite restaurants, hugs and kisses and so much more (hello homecoming honeymoon!), days at the beach, sharing stories and talking together, cooking for him, laughing together, being able to share a knowing glance from across the room. It's going to be awesome. Can't wait!

His Coming Home Lightbulb Came On

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Four weeks before R and R, my husband who had been, shall we say not very cheery for a while, suddenly became this smiley, upbeat, happy guy. He was all smiles on Skype and talking about coming home for R and R freely and with enthusiasm. It was like a lightbulb went on and he could see his way back to us clearly.

Having close relationships with law enforcement and military folks, I have learned that when they have to put their heads down and work, they lock up their hearts and can seem very emotionless and cold. They are definitely NOT going to get sappy about home, how much they love you, miss you and all that stuff. Not happening.

I have seen the waves of emotions and emotionlessness ebb and flow with my husband. When we said goodbye, he was exhausted & on task. Not very emotional. But when he was getting on that plane to leave the country, I got a long text that said EVERYTHING he wanted me to know just in case he never came back. It was intense and deeply heartfelt.

The month leading up to R and R, he was totally warm, flirty, cute and funny. Started skyping much more often. During R and R, he was totally exhausted and pretty pressed for time to get a million things done. But we had some great time together. Then when he went back he immediately got sick, got into a funk, and kind of stayed that way. As the months counted down, I started to just give up and think Just get him home and things will be better after that.

I was hoping I would see that lightbulb go on in his head again when I could see that he was allowing himself to think about coming home, being with us and how he felt about us. I gave up on that.

Then last weekend, just as I was leaving the house on yet another lonely Saturday night to grab a bite to eat and get out of the house for a while, I just had one of those waves (I know you know what I'm talking about) of intensely missing him. They tend to come out of the blue, crush you for a few minutes and then they go on their merry way while you recover. On my way out I decided to run down and check the mail on the way out the door. There was a thick card envelope from him. How did he know I needed that just at that moment and to send that card just in time to get to me on Saturday.

I looked at the front of the card and in the left bottom corner there were two red hearts drawn in pen. One with my initials and one with Clementine's. Highly unusual behavior! haha. I waited a while to open the card because just getting it was awesome enough to last me a month! ha. A few hours later I opened the card and was just a big puddle of happy tears reading the most gushy love stuff he has every written. Thanking us for for all  our letters and prayers and how he could feel them helping him. He let us both know exactly how he feels about us and what we mean to him. It was amazing.

Like the text from the airplane, it said everything he could want to say to us. It was beautiful. I am never letting this card out of my sight! And I got my sign, with that card, that he is lifting his head up from his work and looking homeward, remembering our life and all the love we have, showing his emotions and unlocking his heart. Hello lightbulb!!!! Hello My Sweetheart. Look forward to seeing you soon!

P.S. After writing this I think I've figured out what it is that turns on the light. It's when he gets his travel plans, because a while after I read this card, he Skyped and gave me travel info. I think when he sees on paper actual flight information, then he lets himself make it real. I'm guessing that happens with a lot of other people too.

The Initial Strike of Reintegration Fear Hits

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When Mr. Hart came home for R&R I expected him to be a little different. You hear they change, you suspect you've changed. But other than the fact he'd lost a ton of weight (not cool) I was surprised how unchanged he was. I was thrilled. I imagined that this meant in just five or six more months he would come home very much the same.

This week while talking to him on the phone the first powerful strike of reintegration fear hit me. I realized what life will probably be like when he gets back. He will have a ton of things to put back in order after he returns. He will be grumpy and tired. He'll have lost even more muscle since there's never been a drop of fat on his highly toned body, especially after being very sick after Christmas. All the things we put in place when he left for the year to protect family, belonging and such will have to be undone, plus picking up any problems that didn't get resolved while he was away or were put on hold.

Our income will change. Our home life will be different now that Clementine is living and going to school here. Interest rates will go up again on the debts we've incurred fighting to protect her. He will be severely tired after a year of poor sleep and mediocre nutrition. He'll be in "military mode" not "home mode" which means he will expect everything to function like a unit and not a home with a family with soft-hearted girls. He will be lost. He will probably feel disappointed in America after spending a year sacrificing everything to protect her. He will be grumpy and tired and lost.

I've been counting down the days of his return since the first day I learned he would deploy. First my fears were maybe I can't handle all the stress of this lead up to his deployment. Then it was maybe I can't handle saying goodbye. Next came I won't be able to deal with him being gone for so long. Then I can't bear to let him go back. Now that I've survived all those things I am standing two or three months away from his return and reintegration shaking in my boots, more fearful than ever that maybe that is the straw that will break my back or break our family's back.

I'm started to be scared to see him, because maybe I won't be able to help put him back together. Maybe I won't have any influence to help him feel loved and supported. Maybe he won't be happy being home with us and feel frustration instead. Maybe we'll end up spending years in counseling and it won't fix anything. Maybe our love won't be enough. 

All this time I have been thinking the deployment was going to be the hard part and now suddenly I think perhaps the deployment was the piece of cake and the hardest part hasn't even started yet. All this time I've just wanted him home and now that it's starting to feel like a reality I feel myself leaning back on my heels, retreating from all my excitement, hopes and dreams - retreating from him in my heart.

I guess I have to tell myself that if we've survived pre-deployment, saying goodbye, those horrible, sleepless first few weeks, sickness, stress, mid-deployment custody battles, saying goodbye again after R&R and all those months of him being so very far away, we will survive reintegration. We'll find our way, we'll tough it out, we'll have good friends and family around us lending their support. God will watch over us and continue to keep his angels watching over us.

So I will try to put these fears down. I will give them to God. I will start doing all the reading about reintegration so I'm ready and know what to expect just like I did for pre-deployment and deployment phases. And I will meditate on happy, joyful things for us upon his return. Maybe I'll call this The Summer of Joy and I'll start planning little things that will help us have a lot of fun this summer. Those are proactive things I can do. That is where I should put my energies. No reason to live in fear. Others have gone down the path before us, we can do this.

When Will He Be Here, They Ask Repeatedly

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I have tried to be a student of other military wives experiences as I face this deployment. I have read some very inspiring, encouraging and wise books and blogs that have been a great help to me. One of the things I have read several times from a variety of sources is that when it's time for your service member to come home you will be repeatedly asked "When will he be here?" with great enthusiasm from neighbors, friends and family. At some point this will begin to drive you crazy when you tell them repeatedly that you don't know. 

Any military spouse worth their salt knows that you have no idea when they'll be here or if they'll even actually get here any time close to when you've been told. It's totally possible their orders will suddenly be changed or their R&R will be cancelled. Again I also read this repeatedly in the spouse literature. I already knew to never hold my breath about a military timeline, but the reminder is a good done, since it's easy to get so excited that you just want them here already. A little temperance of expectations is a healthy thing.

So with R&R coming up, there is much anticipation around here for his arrival. Despite me telling people who ask that I don't know, they continue to ask. Sometimes I think they believe I am not telling them the whole truth or that I'm trying to keep something from them. But I seriously don't know. I don't.

So when they ask me for the third or fourth time when he will be here, I do feel a little, what shall we say, annoyed. I don't know, really, I'm telling you the truth. He'll get here when he gets here. Then I am reminded about the next thing I read in these same articles on homecoming. These constant questions will begin to get tiresome. Yes, they are. I smile with the sister & brotherhood of spouses on this one, knowing that we are all in the same boat!

Now if I just had five dollars for every time I've been asked that question in the last month, I would go on a super great shopping spree! And I promise you all that when he is here, I will tell you. That's not to say I won't shelter him and ensure that he gets actual rest, recuperation and relaxation. That is a must and my first priority. But dear ones, please know, I really don't know when he will be here and I realize you find this bizarre and crazy but I am totally used to it. That is life in the military.

And yes, I am completely, insanely excited to see him. And yes, he did tell me last night that his trip might have to be delayed. I smiled. I laughed...and reminded him he told me he would be here soon and I expect him to keep that promise. Then I said, "No pressure, right?" with a big smile. He'll get here when he gets here and we'll love every moment.