10 Things A Military Spouse Can Control

There are so many things that are part of military life that we can't control. It's a given after a while that it's impossible to make life plans that will always stick because things always change. It's a given that your spouse will be gone a lot. Another that you will worry and sometimes not sleep well when they are in harm's way or you know they are struggling. It's also a given that the military will throw you a lot of curve balls that will turn your life upside down on a regular basis. So what can we control? How do we maintain a sense of control over our own lives and the development and growth of our life, our marriages and our families when so much is out of our control?

Here are 10 things I jotted down on a list one day that we can control. It's good to take back a sense of power and remember that there are super important things we have great influence over.

1. I have influence over my household and how we live in our home. I can help maintain a positive, loving, calm environment. Putting on peaceful music, keeping things as clean and orderly as possible, setting up rules and behavioral expectations that will create a warm, welcoming environment for the family are just a few ideas.

2. I am responsible for how I speak to my husband. I have a big responsibility to my marriage and what I bring to it. My attitude and behavior towards him have a huge impact on the spirit of our home and the well-being of our family. Even if he's in a bad mood, I have the ability to manage myself so that I don't make it worse. Sometimes it may be the reverse and I have to consider how I sound to the family and to my beloved. Taking care of myself so that I am well and sane makes a huge difference in my ability to manage myself.

3. I have 100% control over how I speak about my husband. Do I build him up in my eyes, his eyes and others? Showing disrespect to my husband in conversation with others tears him down and weakens our marriage. It also damages our relationships with others.

4. I have power to control how much time and energy I give to things outside our home. Do I let too many other activities, whether they be phone calls with friends and family or commitments to work, volunteering or anything else take away from the well-being of my family. I have to learn to balance these things so there is as little upheaval as possible for home and family -- and that I do not tire myself out and find myself constantly on empty.

5. I can control what music I listen to. Music can set the tone for calm, motivation or even sadness, darkness, anger and violence. The atmosphere I create or allow around me influences how I feel and act. Choose wisely. Sad country songs during deployment equal instant cry. Peppy pop songs help get the house cleaned faster. Workouts too become more powerful with the right music. I chose the soundtrack for my life.

6. I can control screen time. Spending too much time online or watching TV can steal precious minutes and hours from things that are really enjoyable and important to us. When my husband was on deployment I learned I shouldn't watch military movies. They made me too sad in that moment. Even now I don't enjoy them the way I did before he went to war.

Lone Survivor was tough for me. I found myself in the movie theater sitting next to my husband hyperventilating, shaking and wanting to scream at the screen to tell them NOT to let those people go down the mountain. TV can be a great momentary break from the day or it can be a total brain drain time suck where one can get lost and quickly end of staying in pajamas all day. It's easy to waste a lot of time on screens or allow them to control our moods and mindsets. On a related note, I have GREAT concerns about the damage video game addictions are having on military relationships - but that's a subject for the guys and another day.

7. I can manage my mood. It's totally okay to have a rough or sad day. But in every mood there are things we can do to help ourselves or make things worse. Sometimes a giant cry is just the right thing, other times a kick in the seat of the pants is needed, or a fantastically tough workout. Learning to know ourselves so we can help instead of make things worse is important.

8. I have great influence on how we raise our daughter. Those are decisions made best between mom and dad and when we work together we have a far better chance of success, especially when we face the change and upheaval of military life in the world of our children. When we help them learn to be brave, strong and resilient they see us as the steady shore to hold onto as they grow and while they also deal with the constant change of military life.

9. I can control how we spend our time when my husband is away working. Do I let everything slide or do I use our time to learn, grow and have fun. Sometimes it has to be a little of both and there is a balance to be found, but when I consciously use that time to build our family rather than just fall apart and wait for him to get back we get much greater rewards and build wonderful memories. We can take trips, day adventures, plan activities with other moms and kids, or have a little more downtime than usual. I have a lot of influence over whether those are sad, wasted times or happy, productive times.

10. I can greatly influence how our family feels about military life. Do I complain, nag or disrespect the life we lead and my husband's career path or do I act with dignity, respect and honor towards it? Do I take time to teach my kiddo about all the rich meaning and history of the military, of proper military/base conduct, patriotism and duty and honor? Anyone associated with the military knows that it has it's problems as any organization does, but there is a lot to love and respect and appreciate about the military. We have a great opportunity to build a stronger family and stronger kids through those rich traditions if we take advantage of them.

So, you see, it's easy to feel like the military controls everything and we just run ragged trying to keep up. But when we really look at things, we still maintain the balance of power over the well-being and happiness of our lives, homes and families. When we let the outside disturbances become small ripples (as often as possible) instead of crashing swells we are able to maintain our influence and peace within our own families and stay strong and brave.

The Death Benefits/Gov't Shutdown Firestorm

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America I am so proud of you. You seriously rattled some cages yesterday when you learned that death benefits were not being paid to our service members who have been killed in action since the government shutdown began. I read yesterday that there are seventeen service members who have died since the government shutdown began October 1. That is seventeen families who are in one of the worst moments of their lives for whom our government has just made life more of a living hell than it already was.

I am outraged by this as the wife of a man who just returned from the war zone not long ago. I let my fury be heard yesterday in every way I could and passed the word to others to speak up. I also forwarded many more messages by others who were equally outraged. This was also all over the media yesterday as well.

By mid-afternoon word was circulating that efforts were being made to rectify this situation in congress and beyond. It's good to see the people who work for us get the direction from their bosses (us!) and take immediate action with some fear of reprisal. This is how America is supposed to work. The people tell their representatives what they want and those people scramble to make it happen.

We are so far from that reality in this country today that it is shocking. So I cheer today to see American government function as it was meant to, as a voice and representation of the people, rather than an ego trip for a few hundred people who now conduct most of their business outside the regulating eye of the citizens they represent.

Let's keep speaking up, let's keep roaring when necessary. Our "representatives" need to hear us and listen to us more. It appears they need loud, stern voices to take us seriously. Let this be a warning to our government that We Are The People. Lawmakers and bureaucrats in D.C. I am NOT proud of you, in fact I'm so disgusted by your game playing and manipulation in place of the best interests of this country and our citizens.

I want to give a big shoutout to the Fisher House Foundation and everyone who has stepped forward to contribute funds to take care of these families. This situation is so shameful and should not be happening. To see American citizens step up and take action independently is a testament to the uselessness of big government. It is a reminder that the power and efficacy to serve and care for one another is usually at the grassroots level. Nice work America. I am proud of you today!

It's Noble To Be A Gracious Woman

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I am disheartened to see that so many women have allowed themselves to become course, disrespectful and less beautiful in their manner of language, behavior and dress. Women were created to be beautiful, kind, gentle, strong, loving and brave. To see women give into the lowest common denominator of behaviors is a sad and does not bode well for the future of society.

There is nothing pretty about course language coming from women's mouths. Speaking about sweet, tender things with vulgarity cheapens your life and disrespects your partner. There is nothing funny, witty or charming about speaking cruel words. There is nothing lovely about bragging about how "bitchy" you can be. There is nothing that makes you more healthy or whole in attacking or tearing down others. Bragging that you don't care what other people think of you is silly because if you really didn't care you wouldn't sound so angry when you said it. I believe all these things make a soul weak and I see so frequently women who are at the emotional breaking point, who do not have the personal strength they need to survive their lives and the challenges that come to all.

Let me make a call to inspire women to be gracious, lovely, beautiful women. You have so much to give, are so talented, with so much inherent love to give. Let's use those things in beauty, can we. And can we turn the tide back from this disheartening path women are so angrily rushing towards that only minimizing them and diminishes all they have to give. Please do not be a contributor in bringing more ugliness, meanness and coarseness to our world. Do not let that be your legacy. Find wonderful, beautiful women and study them find out how you can become more like them and make the most of all your innate beauty and talents. There is far more for us to reach for than things that would make us weaker, less beautiful and more vulnerable to the jostling of life's challenges. There is more to each and every one of us than this. Let us rise up together and be the force for good in the world we were created to be. Much love to you.

Deployment: 7 Relationships To Re-evaluate

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I'm not sure if this is a part of deployment for everyone, for some or just for me, but I'm guessing it's happened to more than just me. There are so many things that I have learned fall into that category of basic situations we all find ourselves in during deployment. One of my greatest comforts is how often I learn others are feeling and experiencing very similar circumstances as I am.

One thing I have had the chance to do this past year in the quiet of deployment days is to look at my life and re-evaluate it. Here a few areas I've looked at and made some changes.

1) My relationship with myself: I realize that in the hustle and bustle of going from calm, centered single girl to married to a member of the armed services and instant stepmom is that I had lost some of myself. Yes I've grown a lot too, but I have lost some of the best parts of myself. I had been working to stand up for that girl more often. I take more time for myself now, say no more, rest more, and love her a little more than I had been. And I am much better for it. I don't have to give my ALL to others - that is self-destructive and makes you resentful of others when it was your choice to do it in the first place! I have to be well, healthy and strong so I can give my BEST efforts to all areas of my life, my family, work, etc.

2) My relationship with my husband: Once he left I immediately found a whole host of things he does that I had taken for granted. Humbling. Sometimes when you're in the rush of every day with a spouse or significant other you don't take the time to think about how you want your life to be. This year has given me that time to remember what we really want instead of what we need to get done. Now my sights are focused on our goals with broader perspective than just getting through the day.

3) My relationship with my stepdaughter: If there is one thing I have learned this year it is patience. I have learned that so often hugs, kisses and tickles are the antidote for problems rather than disciplinary action. Learning to schedule in, with joy, thirty to forty minutes of talks, giggles & playing on my bed has pretty much eliminated time outs and grumpiness. I think it has also given her a lot of peace about Dad being gone. She is getting a lot of affection and love from me and her Dad and all the people in our life. She and I call our little after school get togethers "a meeting" as in "I think we need to have a meeting."

4) My relationship with our families: This year has strengthened my relationship with my husband's family and my family too. You can read about my funny relationship with my father-in-law here. My extended family has been so good to us too. Just appreciate them so much for that. I have also learned to take a little more responsibility for visiting my family. I don't see them enough and this year I feel a new found duty to really check in with my siblings in person on a more regular basis. My parents are getting older and I need to be doing more to help them too. I'm greatful for these reminders!

5) My relationships with friends: I have a lot of great friends around me, but neither I nor my husband have been really good about building a social circle. Because of our great church friends who have done so much for us this year we have an amazing social circle now and I am so grateful. I hope my husband will be able to enjoy it too when he gets home. I have a very hard time asking for help and I've been so blessed to have so many people offer their assistance day or night. It's also made me more aware of being there more for others as well.

6) My relationship with my talents & joys: I have turned my focus a lot more this year to doing things I love and doing things I'm good at. It's so easy to push those things aside in the name of busyness. I'm not doing that anymore. I need to enjoy these things.

7) My relationship with my time & energy: I have really tried to use my time on the important things this year and be vigilant about not wasting time doing dumb things that don't bless my life. Among these would be watching stupid TV, wasting away my time doing unimportant things rather than doing things that really mean something to me, living my dream life and daydreaming about it less, using small bits of time to get things done. I've upped my productivity, but also preserved some energy by not wasting it.

I am so glad to have had this time to revisit my dreams, goals, priorities and relationships. It has definitely blessed my life and will guide me as we go forward into our next adventures. How about you? What big questions have you asked yourself about your life during deployment. What changes have you made?

Don't Have A Crummy Birthday If He's Gone

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If you are dating or married to a service member the chances are good you will celebrate birthdays, holidays,  and vacations alone at times. I thought I'd share a simple recipe for having a great day or great trip, even if the one you love most is away. To sulk and say you had a crummy birthday, vacation or holiday because the love of your life is not with you is a lame excuse, I'm sorry to say. No, actually I'm not sorry.

Fill your day with things and people that make you happy. Do not expect others to make that day special for you, even if they might do that. You know best what will make you most happy. Try to organize a simple day filled with relaxing, happy things you'd like to do.

Since I started doing this around the time I turned 30 I have loved my birthdays and look forward to celebrating them. One year I planned a surf lesson with my sister. Afterwards we incredibly hungry and so exhausted from our lesson. We were so happy to stop at a nearby patio shack for a slice of pizza and a good Coke to clear our throats of all the disgusting saltwater we'd swallowed. That simple slice of pizza and Coke goes down as one of the best meals I've ever enjoyed. A very happy day.

Another year I went to lunch with a good friend on the outdoor patio at one of my favorite mountain resorts. It was Spring and so beautiful. The food was amazing and I still remember taking a moment to make a memory of that happy day.

Make a plan for your holiday or birthday and make it a special day for you. Take a day trip or a weekend getaway. Get a pedicure, blowout or massage. Go for lunch or dinner to a restaurant you've always wanted to go to. Go to a favorite museum, amusement park, or beach --somewhere that makes you incredibly happy. Start your own little holiday traditions, plan a trip with friends or family. Take charge of your life and your happiness.

Don't sit home and sulk or complain that you had a crummy day. Make is special for you and then anything anyone else brings to your day or does for you that day will be a beautiful addition to an already fantastic day. These are your days, plan in advance and make sure they are memorable for you.