Don't Be Afraid Of Therapy

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I've had the chance to meet and talk with a lot of therapists and counselors this past year both within and outside of the military community. It's been a great introduction to the world of counseling and all the good it can do. This image above might be your vision of therapy. It may sound a little scary, daunting, intrusive or embarrassing. But after meeting so many very competent therapists and counselors inside and outside the military community I am here to say do not hesitate to seek out help if you feel that life has become overwhelmingly stressful or you haven't felt like yourself in a long time.

Here's a great article that I very much agree with about what therapy is and isn't called Ten Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy by Megan Hale. This article is full of just the compassion, understanding and encouragement I have seen in conversations with therapists, social workers and chaplains I have enjoyed getting to know over the past year.

This has been my experience as I have entered into therapy sessions for myself in the past few months. I am a pretty strong person and have always had a pretty great attitude about life. But after a string of very challenging events for our family I was worn down and had lost my ability to be my normal sunny, happy, calm self. I found myself shorter tempered, exhausted and frustrated more often than I needed to be and I felt like I was on permanent "crisis mode" after needing to operate in crisis mode for such an extended period of time. Throw in the sleeplessness and stress of my husband's year-long military deployment and boom, I was one tired, worn out woman.

So after deliberating for a while, I decided to meet with a therapist that was recommended to me by someone I met in the FOCUS program. I am glad I did because it's been great for me, but I also am glad I did it because now I can share that encouragement with others. Do it. If you feel it will help, do it. You will feel a HUGE load lifted off your shoulders in an environment where you can say what you feel honestly without worry or shame. Don't wait until things get so bad that your situation becomes a crisis you can no longer manage.

I have seen that there are great things that can happen in counseling for military kids, service members, spouses and as families and couples too. It's great to have an outside party who can point out areas where you should probably give yourself, your spouse, your life or your family a break, things that might be creating more frustration than ease, ways of thinking that may be blocking your success and to help you see the sunny side of life again.

Some of the major issues we've talked about in therapy have to do with how I constructed my mindset in my childhood and things that happened in my life then. Amazing how it flows over into so much of how I do things as as adult. I've caught myself creating beliefs that aren't exactly true or in some cases are totally false. For instance last week I mentioned a situation that I had failed at. When we looked at it, I hadn't failed the situation at all. I had done all I could do. The situation has just not worked out in my favor initially. So I had to backtrack and realize I had not failed but the situation had been a difficult one. Major difference in perspective and how it affects one's sense of self worth and ability to succeed!

I've also learned how often we misuse the words "always" and "never." As in "Things never work out" or "This always happens to me" or "I always am disappointed." Every once in a while I hear myself speak one of these words. There are no absolutes in our life experience. There are good and bad days, things sometimes work out and sometimes they don't. When things are difficult it's easy to feel like only bad things happen or when we have trouble in relationships it's easy to say the other person "always" treats us in a way we don't like. When we think things are always one way or the other we create a situation that isn't real and then we operate as if it were. A recipe for trouble.

Therapy is an opportunity to see ourselves and our lives more clearly. It's a great opportunity to refocus our thoughts and actions for more happiness and greater success in life. It can help kids to adults develop strong souls and learn life-changing skills, it can improve marriages and bring peace. It's a good thing. Be sure to find someone you feel comfortable with and have good chemistry with. Get recommendations. Go through reputable resources. You should always feel it's working for you and if it's not, find someone else who you do feel chemistry with.

But don't wait. It the thought comes to your mind repeatedly go do it. I found myself wanting to go to therapy for a good year before I really did it. I should've gone so much sooner. Why did I need to suffer for another year when I could've lightened my load with less stress so much earlier.  I also found that things would be fine during the week when we were busy and when the weekend hit we'd end up in crisis and I would have nowhere to turn, promise myself I'd call for an appointment on Monday morning and then the week would start, we'd get busy and I'd let the idea go until the next overwhelming moment occurred. Dumb decisions. But I'm glad I finally did it. It's amazing how a few little tweaks to my outlook each week have improved my life. I've learned a lot and appreciate my time to refresh my little soul and focus on my own self-care.

Have you taken advantage of counseling opportunities from the military or other sources. What did you learn and how did it improve things for you?

Post Deployment Thank You Cards

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Today I am sending out thank you cards to people who were super awesome supporters during our deployment. That includes a few family members, neighbors and friends. It's been several months now since my husband came back and it feels like the right now to do this now.  We've had a little time to get resettled and caught up with life and I have a little more energy now and time to sit down and think.

It seems very appropriate to just take a moment to let people know how much I appreciate all they did for us while my husband was away. It was a long, challenging year but full of wonderful blessings too. I want the givers of those blessings to know how much we appreciated all they did for us, how they helped keep our spirits up and how much it meant that they always told us they were keeping us in their prayers.

This is going to be a fun activity. I know I am going to enjoy letting our loves ones know what angels they have been for us. For the rest of my life I am going to have little posse of people I will always remember as my deployment angels. Over time they may forget us, but I know we will never forget them and I want to make sure they know.

*Aren't these thank you cards gorgeous. You can learn more about Lilly & Val and see their entire shop here. Support small business!

Men & Women: We Miss Each Other Differently

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Here's a lesson I've learned over the years of having my boyfriend/fiance/husband travel frequently. I always miss him most right when he leaves. Things get a little stressful, he gets super busy and I am just standing there watching him pack trying to stay out of the way. Next I have to say goodbye, dropping him off at the airport, a ship, or a base farewell. After that I am suddenly all alone, the silence is loud and overwhelming and I feel a little lost.

Then I have to get busy doing something because the missing him hurts too much. Some trips it hurts much more than others but the void is always felt immediately. I often take a fun detour on the way home to distract myself or make plans with a friend in those first few days. One of the hardest parts of those first few days is that this is when I miss him most but it's also when he will be busiest, most distracted or even totally out of contact for a while. So the missing him stings even more when you don't know when you'll hear from him or only get a quick "check in" call and have no conversations for a while. Around this time the calls always seemed to be few and far between, rushed, or non-existent. At first it made me sad that he didn't seem to miss me much when I was missing him so much. He sounded busy, too tired and distracted and being a girl I tended to take it personally. 

Then I started noticing a pattern. I missed him the very most right when he left. That was when I had to push myself to not let my emotions get the best of me. I intentionally would get busy on projects and other activities and within two or three days I was having fun, getting things done and the days started to pass more quickly and more happily. Soon I was rushing to get everything done I wanted to before he got home. Sometimes that included visits with family, sometimes it was DIY projects, or reorganizing the entire house.

Sometime around the third week of him being gone I would suddenly start getting lots of calls from him. He would want to talk a lot more. He started using more "I really miss you!" vocabulary. He was really interested in me and often sounded homesick talking about missing meals I cooked, or just wishing he could do some everyday activities with us. This would continue right up until he got home. At the same time I would be totally distracted with my projects and not feeling that deep "missing you" feeling much, even though I did really miss him. I would wish it had been like that in the beginning when I really needed him. But instead I knew how to be there for him, after all he was the the one away from home.

Once I saw this pattern played out a few times, it was easy to skip having hurt feelings at the beginning when it seemed like he didn't miss me or care about me.  Instead I just remembered he was knee deep in traveling, jetlagged, getting adjusted to completely new environments and often swamped with paperwork, assignments and projects.

Now I recognize that time for what it is and look forward to that first call or email when I can tell he is really missing me and our little family. On deployment it happened the day they ended training just before they flew out to the war zone. Boy did I get some amazing messages and calls from him in that 24-hr. period. Of course I'd been crying, missing him like crazy for the three weeks while he was in 118 degree temperatures, just trying to survive training in the blazing hot, humid south in July. That day they flew out it was like he had to say everything in his heart before he left the country just in case. I still cherish those sweet words. I added them onto the side of a picture of him and posted it on my Love Board so that I would never forget them. I try to read them often.

His big "I miss you" moments don't always happen right when mine do, or when I think I most want them to happen. But they are always fantastic when they do come. So instead of being irritated about "why" they haven't happened on my own timeline or "if" they will happen, I just look forward to that moment when they will happen. They will happen and I have to be grateful for them and cherish them and enjoy the surprise of never knowing just when and how they will happen. And I have to remember that just because it doesn't seem like he's missing me as badly as I'm missing him at the beginning, there's a reason and he will miss me soon enough.

The "He Said He'd Call" Tantrum

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It often gets me thinking when I hear MilSos express how annoyed they are when their other half doesn't call. I totally understand the desire for the call and it certainly can be frustrating when they can call you but you can't call them when you want to. I get the desire to want to spend time with them and want to hear their voices. I know the loneliness. But sometimes it just sounds very immature particularly when the other half is in a war zone, on a ship, working long shifts every day and calling is not always easy.

Here are a few reasons to consider that explain why he might not call:

1) He's worked a 12-hour shift and it was really crummy. He's allowed to be exhausted. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. His number one job is to hold himself together for his unit. That means he has to take care of himself and keep himself rested and well, which is nearly impossible to do most of the time.

2) Due to situations beyond his control he does not have any private place where he can call.

3) The situation may have changed at work and the time he thought he would be free is no longer free to him.

4) He might be missing home too much to call. Sometimes it hurts to be away more than he wants to discuss or feel.

5) He may be taking a little time to have a little fun. This doesn't always come at the perfect time, but I think they should be entitled to have fun with coworkers when it presents itself. Sometimes that might mean they have to bump a call. But again it's no knock against you.

6) Maybe his stress level is high and he doesn't want to pass that on to you. Or he just can't hear any more about your problems and complaints about the distance. There isn't much he can do to help and sometimes it becomes overwhelmingly frustrating to hear it and not be able to help.

7) Maybe he's giving you space to stand on your own and be more independent. Sometimes we gals can get a little too dare I say "desperate" sounding with our I Miss Yous and Why Aren't You Here With Mes. Sometimes we need the space to step up to the plate.

8) There may be an emergency situations. That could mean communications blackouts, they are on a last minute mission, there has been an incident they have to be totally focused on or something else that is critical they focus on. Being at home pouting and stomping our feet because we didn't get a call seems particularly embarrassing in this scenario!

I know there are other very valid reasons why they don't call some days. The key is to not take it personally or get overly worked up about it. Don't let it wreck your whole day. He's just one person, it's just one call. There are plenty of other great interactions and good things we can incorporate into a day. Part of growing up and getting older is to find balance in relationships, how we use our time, what we focus our thoughts on.

While calls are pretty fantastic and awesome, our lives shouldn't totally revolve around them. Surely we have more good we can bring to the world if we focus some of our time and thoughts elsewhere during the day. Men want to be with women more when they feel it's not demanded or necessary to keep the woman pulled together. A little independence is a very sexy thing and that allows us to be fabulous rather than annoying when they do have time to call. And I think that means they'll do more to try to call more often when they get lovely on the other end, instead of "WHERE WERE YOU!" or "I WAITED FOR HOURS FOR YOU!" screeched at them first thing.

It's great you can communicate, even multiple times a day. But if you have to go a day or a few days you will be okay. Buck up and make great things happen for you while you wait.

Being Careful Around Other Men

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One of the things I thought very carefully about before my fiance/husband deployed was being careful around other men. It was obvious to me that it could be very easy to start depending on other men too much or to be too liberal in my attention and closeness with other men while he was away. I learned that this also means after he's returned to when it takes time to reconnect. There is a certain annoyance to the reconnecting process that makes seeking other men's affections seem easier.

I am very loyal to our relationship and would never consider cheating or being disloyal in any way. But it's a slippery slope when you are lonely, your man is far away, other men offer you a sympathetic shoulder or to help you around the house.

I decided to err very far on the side of caution while he was away, because I knew how vulnerable I was to loneliness and how sad I was that he wasn't here with me. Here are a few things I determined I would do or absolutely would not do.

1) I would not have long conversations with other men. I was even careful about doing this with his brother. I tried to keep things simple and straightforward. Communication breeds intimacy and when you are missing the intimacy of your significant other it's easy to seek it out wherever it comes most easily. Getting it from other men I felt was dangerous.

2) I would not get overly involved in social media interactions or texting with other men. Social networking has a way of very quickly creating a false sense of intimacy. I wanted to avoid this. When a man is making you laugh and smile and you feel like he knows you, it's easy to get a little mixed up with the emotions. I think we all have a little alarm that goes off when we've gone a little too far. When you start to question whether something is okay or not, it's easiest to just make that your stepping away point.

3) I would not ask the same male friends for help repeatedly. When I needed help I tried to reach out to a variety of people, rather than the same friend repeatedly. Men are very sympathetic to women in need. It's how they are build. It's very easy to create a feeling of attraction out of a sense of need or of serving someone else. I also didn't want to put any unnecessary expectations on one person, nor did I want to come to rely on one person to an inappropriate extend.

4) I did now share my problems or overly unburden myself to other men. Again men feel a need to help solve problems and when you share your problems they want to help. It creates intimacy.

5) I would not be alone with other men: that's in cars, in my home, in their home, etc. Always in a group, never alone with a member of the opposite sex.

6) I would not give anyone even the slightest impression (by being overly friendly or warm) that I would consider any indiscretions while my husband was away. I know that men will show interest when they are interested, but I often see women in relationships giving every sign they are seeking intimacy or would be willing, who then appear shocked and insulted when  man attempts to act on such emotions. Keep the air very clear about your intentions.

7) I would create a Love Board to help me feel close and connected with my husband. You can read all about it here. I wrote him love letters even on days when he wasn't acting very lovable and I wasn't feeling very loving. It helped keep us close.

8) I would not obsess about my husband's flaws while admiring the talents of other men. It's easy for women to get dreamy and start immortalizing men. It's also easy for women to get hypercritical about their own men, especially when he is far away and one is missing intimacy and hugs and kisses from him. I tried to focus on my husband's strengths in my thoughts of him and my hopes for a strong future together. This wasn't always easy during rough periods, but I clung to it to get me through.

There are many stories about how relationships, marriages and families fall apart during deployments. Some people are just completely unscrupulous. You hear stories about people who act out of complete disregard for their significant other/spouse having outlandish affairs, getting involved in outrageous and dangerous behavior. There is little I could say that will stop that group from their abhorrent destructive behavior.

 Then there are the relationships that get broken because one little thing lead to another and suddenly intimacies had been created that shouldn't have been and people get confused, act, and lives again are ruined. There ideas I shared are for that group of people. For anyone who wants to strengthen their relationship and thrive through deployment I hope these tips can help you stay strong and avoid little indiscretions that can lead to big indiscretions. Great relationships have to be guarded, protected and cared for like great treasures. I hope these ideas will help you find the best way to guard yours.

5 Ways To Make Family Skype Calls More Fun

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Skype calls when the picture is actually clear and you can hear on both ends can be quite fun. This is not an easy feat, many families have an incredibly hard time with poor connections. But when things click, it's awesome. Day after day conversations can get a little boring. Here are some ideas to keep conversations fresh and fun.

1) Show up in masks or costumes. A good surprise and laughs are guaranteed when you show up looking not like your regular selves. Could be fun to work together with kids to figure out costumes or make and decorate masks out of paper plates or cardstock.

2) Keep a list of fun, strange and silly things that have happen to family members each week to share. Silly stories from home are great fun for someone who misses home like crazy. Let kids tell their silly stories.

3) Gather a few pieces of the children's schoolwork to share. It's fun for parents to see what's happening at school and keep up with all the new things the kiddos are learning.

4) Sing favorite songs. Music has special powers to inspire and cheer people up. A few fun family favorite will definitely put a smile on your loved one.

5) Tell jokes. We bought two kids joke books so our little girl could share a few jokes with Dad every call. It was great to see Daddy try to get the punch line on some of the riddles and jokes and then burst out laughing. You can never smile or laugh enough in a war zone. Jokes are a welcome reprieve from a lot of seriousness.

Those are my five ways to spice up Skype calls. How about you? Do you have any special things you do to make Skype calls more fun?

Helping When There's Nothing You Can Do

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Some days you'll get a called from your deployed loved one and they will be distraught, frustrated, angry and more. Unfortunately you can't fly over and fix any of the things that are bothering them, causing them grief or driving them crazy.

They might want to vent their frustrations on you or just plain might not be very, shall we call it, "polite." Here's the best thing you can do in these situations since there really isn't much you can do. I tried this many times and it always helped diffuse bad situations and bring calm to conversations and peace in the aftermath.

"I am so sorry that things are difficult. If there was anything I could do to change things for you I would do it in a heartbeat. I have complete faith in you. I am praying for you and so are many other people. I know God is watching out for you and He knows how you feel. I believe things will get better. You can do it. You are strong and wonderful. I love you and am sending you warm thoughts and positive vibrations."

Just telling them you have faith in them and that they are in your prayers does wonders. Just yesterday my husband thanked our daughter for her prayers while he was in Afghanistan and he told her that he felt them and that he believed they did a lot of good. He also wrote us a card in the last weeks of deployment that shared very similar sentiments.

When you tell your loved one that they are not alone, it must be one of the most comforting gifts you can give them. Sometimes it's all they need to get through a rough day and keep trekking forward with confidence, peace and contentment.

Do you have any specific things you do in such a situation as this? Please share in the comments below. It's so great for us all to enjoy each other's experiences and learn from them. Sending you and yours my very best wishes. Prayers for those of you in deployment now.

No One Is Sailing Through Reintegration Babe

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The Reintegration journey we are on surely has been interesting. So many awesome highs and a few pretty depressing lows. It's unbelievable how much work it takes to put your entire life on hold to leave for deployment. Undoing it all and even just being able to remember what you did a year ago to set everything up to leave, even if you kept good records, is mind-blowing. Then there are never-ending decisions to be made about the future, the exhaustion and the emotions all over the place.

I have to say I am so proud of my husband. He has impressed the socks off me in his efforts the past few weeks. Has everything been perfect and easy, hell no. Has he gotten frustrated, been exhausted and struggled? Sure, or course he has. But he has amazed me at how hard he tries, how loving, patient and forgiving he has been and how he's tried to put the principles he learned in the post deployment/reintegration training to use in his life and with our family.

He on the other hand is not so impressed. He thinks he should be accomplishing tons more, full of energy, and perfect at every turn. Last night we had a talk about that and I felt strongly that I needed to remind him that no one is sailing through reintegration easily. Everyone is having their struggles. I imagine there are some who came home to find out one of the spouses was cheating or planning to leave the marriage. Others came home to other hardships we can only imagine and thank our lucky stars are not happening to us. I am sure no one is finding reintegration and recovery to be as easy as they believed they could make it if they just tried hard enough.

I can say that our relationship has really grown due to reintegration. We work together better than we ever have, our communication is more open and generous. We seem to take a lot less for granted, enjoy our friendship more and we are kinder and gentler with each other than we even were before. That is awesome, because we are a good team. We are really enjoying each other. Early this morning, with the sun glaring in my eyes, waking me up, I looked over at him sleeping peacefully next to me and just got the biggest smile on my face. I find him ridiculously cute, which is funny considering I went totally against type when I started dating him. As I lay there in bed I  jubilantly thought - He is here. He's with me. I love him! He loves me. Hooray!

It's good to remind our loved ones that reintegration takes a certain pace, it can't be rushed. And that everyone is having to find their new normal. No one came home to easy street with everything just as they left it and no challenges. I was grateful to have the chance to remind my dear husband that this is a marathon, it is not a sprint. You can't sprint a marathon and there is no way possible that he could ever have his entire life reconstituted in a mere 30 days. Just as pre-deployment takes a long, long time, reintegration requires a similar amount of time to move through. When it comes to reintegration the phrase "Slow and steady wins the race" seems like a pretty great motto.

The Barrage of "Why Didn't You Just" Questions

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Here's one right out of all the best deployment handbooks - When a service member returns from deployment they should refrain from repeatedly questioning their partner about why they did things they way they did. This can range from how one handled the checkbook, took care of the cars, raised the kids, moved the furniture, took care of themselves - oh there are just thousands of possibilities here.

I'm not sure why, but people in a deployed war zone seem to imagine the rest of us with nothing much to do, no stress, no financial worries, abundant amounts of time to get anything needed or wanted done and always feeling like a million bucks. They don't seem to get that the worry about them alone is enough to kill every one of us from a heart attack or stroke!!! Am I right?! They don't see that we don't sleep well the entire time they are gone, often have kids waking us up in the middle of the night.

They seem to forget that we have kids climbing on us 24-hours a day. The great part about that one is that it's a rude awakening when they get home. Huge amounts of kid energy bombarding them is a real humbling moment for them when they realize how exhausting it is after just a few minutes when you've been doing it alone for a year. They seem to forget that we have three meals to put on the table every day by ourselves and have limited amounts of time and energy to spend on the phone with insurance companies, doctors, lawyers, repairmen, banks, schools and airlines.  

I was ready for this one. Remember, I'd read all the books! But even then I still felt pretty defensive when questioned repeatedly, the first few days about how I handled things for A YEAR while he was away. (Let't not forget here that he was away for most of the two years before that as well.) I tried a variety of approaches all of which didn't satisfy him and made me feel like a little kid trying to come up with some reason to not be in the dog house. When in reality I didn't think I'd done anything wrong in the first place. No I hadn't done everything perfectly while he was gone, but by hell, the ship was still afloat and we were all still alive and the house was clean when he got here.

There is no way to ask "Why didn't you just ___" without it sounding like a put down - as if any moron could have done it better than you did. I think they think they are helping because they believe their idea would've made life easier for you. Unfortunately again that implies you made a poor choice that wore you out more than it needed to. Insulting again.

Finally, about the third or fourth day he was home I'd had enough of all the Monday Morning quarterbacking. In a moment of sheer frustration or perhaps inspiration I turned to him and said, "I can't changed anything about how I handled our home life during your deployment. It's too late now. I did the best I could do. Questioning me about how I did everything now, my dear man, is a one-way ticket to hell for you, for me and for all of us. No good can come of this."

He looked at me and said, "You're right. You're right." And that was the end of it. We have not had that conversation again since. It was amazing how he just let it go. I was seriously impressed! Sometimes you get lucky and find just the right words to diffuse a situation permanently. Whew! And now we return to our regularly scheduled blissful reintegration. I love him even more for choosing the best outcome for me, himself and our family!

10 Things About Arguing During Deployment

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Here's what I've learned about arguing with your significant other during deployment. It happens. From what I can see everyone hits a rough patch or two during a normal deployment. At times it may feel like one's relationship won't survive deployment but most do, so hold onto that.

Here are a few more things I've learned from my own experience and from others:

1) One thing that is important to remember regarding deployment is that both parties are under a huge amount of stress. Give everybody a break. Sometimes the arguing is more about the tension that naturally builds up from the frustration of being apart. Often little things are blown out of proportion. Catch yourself and pull back when you see this happening.

2) Deployed life is not particularly fun or enjoyable. I've read that after three months everyone is sick of it and just wants to come home. From what I've seen of the military workplace is is not particularly kind or friendly much of the time. It can be very mean, brusque and selfish. Keep in mind this is the environment your other half is living and working in. An agitating environment is going to lead to agitation. Living in a depressing environment is going to bring out negative behavior. Remembering this will help you not take your partner's moods personally.

3) Being apart breeds disconnect. It just does. It inherent in the situation. Sometimes it just can't get totally better until you set eyes on each other again and remember how great life is together. Sometimes snail mail and care packages that show you know your loved one can help a couple feel more connected.

4) Sometimes one or the other party will just be in a really bad mood or very tired when a call happens. There is a lot of graciousness in just overlooking it, trying to be supportive and doing all you can to keep the conversation simple, easy and upbeat. Results will vary. (She writes with a laugh). But most of the time meeting distress or unhappiness with a little cheeriness goes a LONG way.

5) Be quick to apologize. Deployment and war are not places to hold a grudge or wait for another chance to straighten things out. Own up to your mistakes, apologize for your bad mood or your bad timing and your baggage when it creates problems in your relationship. Try to keep the relationship playing field as clean and simple as possible.

6) Stop yourself when you realize you are trying to start a fight. Sometimes we want more attention from our partners and may dig for it however we can get it. Fighting is not a good way to do that, but it often happens.  Get to know yourself and your moods and try to avoid letting this happen.

7) Loved ones far away in a deployment environment have few places to vent their built up frustrations. They may mistakenly take them out on the people they love the most. Recognize when this is happening and again don't take it personally. Learning to let them vent without feeling like you need to fix it is a great skill to have. Also, learning to brush off the negativity is vital to your own well-being. Sometimes the best thing to say is, "I'm so sorry that is happening."

8) Rarely do we need to tell a significant other that they should be sorry when they've acted badly. That usually hits them like a lightening bolt as soon as they hang up. It's easy to get angry and feel we need to set them straight, but it's much better to receive an authentic apology initiated by them than demanded by us.

9) If phone conversations seem to end badly for a while, cut back and keep them short or take a break from the phone or whatever form of communications seems to be in a negative rut. Try writing letters, sending packages or using email. A well rounded love "attack plan" goes a long way.

10) Try to overlook moods and understand what is causing a loved one to suffer. That way maybe you can help them realize that and offer some love and support that will relieve the pressure they are feeling a bit. It's easy to misplace frustrations and anger on the homefront. Helping them see what may be causing them stress may help you both.

Most importantly remember that arguing and stress on relationships is pretty normal in deployment. But it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. You can help minimize arguments and it always helps to remember things will generally get better once they get home. Remember you are both learning and growing in your lives and in your relationship.

The Joy Of Having My Husband Check On Me

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Last week I had to leave my husband who was still on base wrapping up his deployment. It was late afternoon and I knew I would see him again the next afternoon when he came home for good from his yearlong assignment. I had a long drive to make and it was hard to leave him, knowing he would come home the next day and we would find ourselves suddenly knee-deep in the reintegration process. We had a lot of big decisions to make and I knew that once he came home the tough post-deployment realities would set in. I cried about that on that day.

We had a beautiful prayer together and took a walk on the beach before I left. I felt a lot better. After I'd been on the road about ninety minutes, he called. It meant the world to me. He said he was just calling to check in on me. I told him how happy I was to have someone check in on me. It had been a long time since I'd had anyone check on me to see if I was safe - about a year! I don't know if he will ever understand how much that meant to me. He was all I had thought about since I left him. How I missed him. Hearing his voice on the phone let me know he was thinking of me and missing me too. An hour later he called again and we talked one more time before I got home.

Being able to hear from him and call him anytime is a delicious treat after a year of not being able to call him and having no idea when he could call. Having him check up on me and knowing he was missing me and thinking of me even though we had only been apart for an hour or two was priceless!

Lessons From Married To The Army: Alaska

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I'd like to thanks the ladies of Married To The Army: Alaska for being one of the best tutorials on spouse life I've ever had. We were a few months into our my first deployment as a military SO when the show premiered and the families on the show were just a few weeks ahead of us. That was so great. Here's what I learned.

1) I learned it would be nice to have military friends to do thing things with and have for Battle Buddies. Nobody understands what it feels like to worry about your loved one in a war zone like someone in the same boat.

2)  I learned what it would feel like for my fiance to come home for R and R and for my husband to leave from R and R. Loved watching the arrivals imagining ours was just weeks away. I also learned that being together after separations is not easy. On top of that I learned that sometimes they come home way earlier than expected and mess up your well-timed schedule which is awesome and stressful at the same time. Little did I know our man would come home two days early just like Lindsay's did. Then I cried my eyes out watching each wife say goodbye after the two-week leave.

3) I learned the value of great military wife role models. You AMAZE me Mrs. Goins! You are my role model for gracious, exemplary, loving living.

4) I learned how important it is to take good care of yourself, especially emotionally during deployment. Loved watching Blair and Rynn work through their challenges and come out even better on the other side. Plus it was nice to see what it was like for Rynn to go to counseling for the first time. That's a big step for most and it's great to see someone take it so you know you can if you need to. Seems like the lesson was there is peace on the other side.

5)  I learned about The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and immediately had our little one take the test. Loved learning how to love her better! Again, thanks Rynn for sharing your journey! And I'm still sorry that they used that clip of your bedside meltdown so many times. I know you weren't like that the whole deployment even if they made it seem that way sometimes. Love you!

6) I learned that the TSA will allow military families to get a gate pass and go to the gate to meet their returning loved ones. I had no idea about that and neither did my husband. I had to check that out when I saw every wife going to the gate or at least trying to get to the gate to meet their husbands coming back for R and R.

I arranged it all and didn't tell my fiance that Clementine and I would be there waiting for him to walk off that plane. Even though there were lots of military personnel on the plane, I think we were the only family there, the rest of them were going on to other destinations. So it was a fantastic surprise! This was definitely the best thing I learned from the show!

Married To The Army Alaska was a gift for me in the first half of deployment. I think the first half was definitely the hardest for me. It really helped get me through. Things changed a lot for us in the second half of deployment and I was so busy that it just flew by. I'll be forever thankful for the ladies of Married To The Army Alaska for helping me get through and for all the things I learned as they shared their lives.

Things We Won't Tell My Husband: Episode 7

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Every Monday I run a column called Things We Won't Tell My Husband. It's just a few things that are either silly, heartfelt or sometimes melancholy that I haven't bothered my husband about. Know that I have no problem in real life talking to him about any of this stuff. But some of this just isn't important enough to discuss in the brief windows of time we have to communicate or that he just doesn't care about. But I think military girlfriends and spouses can definitely relate, smile and laugh at these kinds of things.

1. That our little one said she and I are going to have to get secret sodas after Dad comes home. I rarely do soda but Dad never gets her soda. I'm okay with her having soda once a month or less. I don't give her anything with caffeine. So sue me. lol.

2. How excited I am to dump the Deployment Emergency Binder! Woot! I've been dragging that beast around with me everywhere for a year.

3. That the Navy has only checked in on us once since R and R five months ago.

4. That despite the fact that he talks with us a few times a week he totally doesn't get what life here has been like for the past year. He doesn't get deployment survival mode. It hasn't been easy-going, every day life around here. Can't seem to explain that to him.

5. That I haven't used his beloved VitaMix since he's been gone. I have not had time to get around to experimenting with gourmet smoothie making. But we certainly have eaten very healthily.

6. That I did a big Home Depot shop this past Saturday to get all the stuff I knew we needed and he would be looking for that I had let slip. Hello mothballs. Goodbye moths.

7. How excited I am to have him make salsa for us. Even if he makes 4 times too much every time because he doesn't use a recipe.

8. How badly I want a new dining table. First world problem I am not even going to begin to mention right when he gets home. We are currently using one I inherited years ago that is a total embarrassment. He has one in storage that is too grand for this apartment we're living in right now. How I'd love to throw those hideous chairs off our balcony and watch them smash into the concrete below!

9. That I realized if we move we'll start sharing a bathroom. Ack! As it stands, I lived here by myself when we met. So he started using the bathroom & closet in the second bedroom when he started coming here to visit and it stuck. I still have the entire closet and bathroom to myself in our room at this point. I better enjoy that while it lasts.

10. I've tried to tell him this one, but I don't know that he will ever truly understand that I am deeply sorry he's had a hard year, experienced a lot of frustrations at work and that he's so tired. I can't do anything to change that, but I do care and I am sorry. Hopefully my actions will speak louder than words once he's home.

So do you have any things you'd put on your list of things you just haven't bothered your other half about?

Things We Won't Tell My Husband: Episode 6

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Things we won't tell my husband is the subject of a funny, sometimes sad, sometimes sweet and touching weekly Monday feature about things that happened during deployment that my husband doesn't need to know about. In reality he probably doesn't care much about any of these things and will find out about most of them. But mostly these are just funny to share between military spouses and girlfriends. This column in a facial expression would be angelically smiling on one side of my face and cringing on the other. So here we go.

1. That after I raced to get Clementine to her golf lesson with my hair all long and pretty, in a skirt and heels, the substitute golf teacher could not keep his hands off me. Nothing inappropriate per se, but a lot of rubbing hands on the back, putting hands on my shoulders while I stood behind Clementine talking to her, etc. His face was about two inches from mine when he asked me my name. Whew. I had to laugh. Not bad for the ego once in a while, especially when you're quite past 25 or your husband's been deployed for 11/12ths of a year or both. haha.

2. That the idea of having to rehearse an entire day of important goings on at home sometimes sounds beyond exhausting. Like my head will fall off and roll across the floor exhausting. Living it once is enough, but having to revisit it all with him sometimes is a little too much even though he totally deserved to know and I want him to. But all the explaining and question answering, etc. gets overwhelming at times. I just wish I could hit replay on a video or something.

3. How much I hate that he doesn't just spell check his emails. It's not like I haven't asked. Sometimes I swear he's typing in a foreign language. Communicating halfway around the world is hard enough already, give me a little spell check love, will ya?!

4. Speaking of spell check, when you have a little kid in grade school and they see their parent misspelling tons of words it goes against everything they are being taught at school and really bugs them. It makes me smile and I'm going to let her discuss that with her dad when he gets home.

5. That when he gets home the little one and I are going to have a talk with him about how much we love our cool base sweatshirts he sent to us and how much we hate that he had velco sewn into both sides of the hoodie pockets. (I'm laughing so hard while I'm typing this.) Talk about anal retentive military gear.

I know he absolutely LOVES the idea that one could now keep their keys & all their junk in that pocket, but Silly Rabbit, girls don't carry stuff in that pocket. That's where we like to put our hands and velcro does not feel good against the skin...at all. We'll be cutting that out after he comes home, but I don't have the heart to yet because I know he thinks he did the most spectacular thing for us ever by doing that. And how I love him for that.

6. That I'm getting battery for unused, parked 3rd car charged for the 5th time this week so it's running when he gets back. Sorry but this Mama has not had time to be able to run that car for 30 minutes every week to keep the battery charged. I tried...kinda, but when you're in survival mode with way too much on your plate, something has to go.

7. That I'm planning afternoon black ops trips to Taco Bell when he comes back. He's not a fan. I am.

8. That I'm still hoping we can have a post-deployment wedding celebration with our families and friends when he gets back. Haven't really mentioned this since we have a lot on our plates these days.

9. That I hope I remember where I've buried some of his stuff since he left. It's been a long year, I realize I may have forgotten some of my "excellent" organizational tricks to get his stuff out of the way. It seemed like a year was going to be an eternity. (I'm smiling angelically on one side of my face and cringing on the other). How many times am I going to hear "Where's my _____ ?" over the summer?! Eeek. Super scary, seriously. LOL.

10. That I'm a different person than when he left. I think I'm part the girl he met when we first met years ago (who I honestly think I'd lost for the past couple of years) and I'm now also part super soft-hearted mom and kick arse battle-hardened wife. I know he'll be different too. Hope we're ready for each other. Can't wait to start dating each other again.

So that's it for this week. Any of these you can connect with in your own life?

Things We Won't Tell My Husband: Episode 5

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Things we won't tell my husband is a comical, sometimes sad look at things we don't discuss during deployment. Please know that I am totally open to discussing any of these things with my husband in real life and often do. But in the hopes of keeping life simple, not overburdening him and when communications is jagged and unpredictable, things fall to the wayside sometimes.

1. That after someone scraped the driver's side of his car before Christmas, it has happened to the passenger side now. Big tire mark. Dreading this conversation. I did NOT do it.

2. That I think the tiny little hubcap thing from his car, the one that is missing, disappeared that first day he was home for R and R. He was driving and let me just tell you, after not driving for six months, he hit the curb on the passenger side two or three times making turns. I am pretty sure it was him that knocked that baby off. I do not think #1 and #2 are related, just to clarify. And again, I did not do it.

3. That I've had to develop a thick skin & a "get over it quickly" survival skill for when he calls or Skypes and is grumpy. Can't carry that with me all day. Not good for anyone. Unfortunately or fortunately, I realize that I am his only pressure release valve. Doesn't mean I always appreciate it.

4. That I still look at his picture some days and think "I married that guy? That is the guy I married?" and I laugh. He is so handsome, so not "my type", so perfect for me, much fun and such a handful. I was looking for all those years and he was waiting at the end of the trail. Amazing.

5. That while he's been gone our little one has scared the living daylights out of me like a creepy little kid in a horror movie more times that I can count. Most recently while we knelt at my bed for family prayer and she without making a peep moved from my left side to my right side and when I opened my eyes and saw here there I totally jumped. We won't even get started on how many times she's appeared out of nowhere in the dark of night or after she's been asleep for hours! Just thinking about it makes the hairs on the back of my neck rise!

6. That I'll be watching the last half of the Army Wives season when he's gone or asleep. He hates Army Wives...not because he's actually watched it, but just to be a bratty boy. Little does he know that while I realize it IS fictionalized dramatic (emphasize dramatic) television, I have definitely learned some useful things about the military & being a military spouse. I had zero real experience with the military until I dated a former Ranger for a brief time a year before I met the hubs.

7. That frequently I have no idea what he is talking about. I always think a FITREP sounds like it should be a fitness test, but that's called something else. He grew up with a dad and stepdad in the military. He's been fluent in Military-ese since birth, or maybe before that in the pre-life preparation phase, which I am sure there must also be some catchy acronym for.

8. That I only kinda understand the difference between non-commissioned and commissioned and the whole rank structure. Basically I figure if they look about our age or older they're probably equals or superiors. If they look younger or act with deference to my husband he's the superior. Good detective work, right? haha. He's busy, he doesn't have time to explain this all to me. And again, he was born speaking Military-ese so we're not on the same page language-wise anyway. lol. Please remember we don't live in a military community and therefore don't have the chance to associate with other military families, before you judge my ignorance. I am around my husband's unit maybe one time per year. Begging your pardon, truly.

9. That I fantasize about dressing down that one total jerk officer we've run into who just had to go out of his way to cause trouble for my husband and create massive amounts of totally unnecessary stress. This was all such a power trip for that guy and I will forever remember his name. Sometimes I mutter it to myself. If we ever meet, I imagine myself saying, "Oh, so you're _____ ______, huh." Then just glaring at him until his uniform spontaneously combusts.

I am guessing every military wife at every level has one of these guys in her protective "mama bear" sights. In the words of Mr. T, "I pity the fool." And I know, in the end, we keep quiet and hold our tongues. But wouldn't it be awesome if they had a spouse day called "Speak Your Peace Free Day" where you could just say it to whomever at whatever level rightfully deserved an earful from you?!

10. That I am really going to miss driving his tiny, speedy, super fuel efficient car and going back to my SUV.  I have never liked riding in the passenger seat of that car. I realize now that it's because he's broad shouldered and is always leaning on me, so I end up sitting up against the door which is totally uncomfortable in a bucket seat. But I learned this year that the driver's seat, now that's fun. I love being able to shimmy into tiny compact parking spots, drive 600+ miles on one tank of gas and enjoy that little sports car engine.

I'm gonna miss that car. Driving my SUV is totally practical for moving gear, bikes and lot of things we can't do with his little car. But I seriously feel like I'm driving a school bus now. A little scary. Will need to get used to that before he gets back.

So those are the things we won't tell my husband this week. Can you relate?

Deployment Preparation Reading: Separated By Duty

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I have talked a lot here about reading the deployment literature. Separated By Duty, United In Love by Shelly Vandevoorde is one of the books I purchased near the beginning of deployment that I read in the first few weeks my husband was gone. I often read it in bed at night and it was a great distraction from the loneliness  It was definitely a comfort to have this book to turn to, to feel like someone knew what I was going through and could show me the way forward.

The introduction to this book puts the military relationship into clear perspective. It's not always going to be fair or easy. The author, Shelly Vandevoorde asks the reader to consider their part in the relationship, what they agreed to and what they can do to make the relationship a success. 

I appreciated seeing topics the author covered that were actual things that were running around in my head. I love that she talked about the survival games we play in our heads that affect our relationships. Vandovoorde also writes about things like finances, making those decisions we don't want to think about, homecoming and the real challenges of long-distance in a military relationship. She writes with candor and truthfulness that seems to allow us as readers to accept the hard things that might come, but to know that it's okay to feel fear or worry. Then she gives readers the tools to face what needs to happen to keep us strong and healthy and shows us how to travel this journey with grace.

There is no white-washing or putting lipstick on a pig in this book. Vandevoorde speaks very candidly and the reader is better for that. Good to know what challenges you may face, how you might feel and how to move forward. Written with a realistic but supportive and encouraging voice, this book is a great one for the military spouse or significant other's bookshelf.

Okay, your turn? What books did you read and what would you recommend? Please share, I know there are quite a few significant others and spouses who are beginning deployment this summer. Let's arm them with the equipment they need to start strong and thrive!

Things We Won't Tell My Husband: Episode 4

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Things We Don't Tell My Husband is a weekly column here where I share silly, sometimes sad or scary things I don't need to tell my husband because it won't help anything. In truth, these are all things I would gladly discuss with my husband if needed and necessary but it's more fun to share them and laugh with readers who will understand.

1. That we have not sat at the table to eat dinner in months. We often sit at the counter and even (GASP!) sometimes eat at the coffee table watching The Pioneer Woman episodes. And yes the little one has spilled a ton of food on the carpet there. Sigh.

2. That I have created a very well-functioning schedule for our family while he's been gone and it works superbly. When he comes back I know it's all going to go to the dogs and I'm going to be frustrated. I'm praying we can find some sort of compromise.

3. That I'm tired of the words "New Normal." Don't want to hear that anymore. lol.

4. That occasionally I let the little one eat stuff he wouldn't let her eat.

5. That it's been nice to not hear swearing like a sailor around the house.

6. That I got a parking ticket last week. $68! And I performing an act of kindness for someone and was only there for 15 minutes.

7. How lost I sometimes feel in the shell of our life here.

8. How sad our little one gets when she sees other kids with their dads.

9. That we desperately need a new bed. His great bed is in storage 150 miles away & mine is shot and getting worse by the minute. Seriously, it's awful.

10. That sometimes when I'm in the grocery store I throw in an expensive magazine for myself.

How about you readers. Anything funny or melancholy you'd like to add? We're all sisters here and we get it. Sending big love.

Things We Won't Tell My Husband: Episode 3

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This is just a silly little column I publish every Monday morning about silly things my husband doesn't need to know that I've been up to while he's been deployed. Nothing immoral or illegal, just stuff that would make him laugh, roll his eyes at me or even worry a bit. But these are things I think most girlfriends and wives have either done or can totally relate to. Nothing I mention here is something I wouldn't actually own up to if he asked or if it mattered. They're just little things.

1. That I went through the drive-thru the other day while he was chattering away on the phone and just muted it while I ordered, then again when I paid and picked up my food. He had no idea.

2. That I have not missed hearing about all his biological processes while he's been gone. lol.

3. That it's been so long that I have started to miss his super, super stinky workout shirts in the laundry.

4. That I realized early on it would be very easy to lean too much on other men while he's gone and have been very careful about getting into any situation that could lead to anything compromising happening.

5. That I still haven't taken care of that one Tri-care bill. Only have a couple weeks to get that done before it's too late. (I'll do it Tuesday).

6. That I like to embarrass him by decorating the envelopes of all my letters with neon markers & hearts just because I know it kinda puts him on the spot....but really he loves getting mail. Indulging me is the price he'll have to pay.

7. That without meaning to, I realized last week when I was a little mad with him that I have put framed photos of him everywhere in the bedroom. Hard to stay mad when everywhere you turn his face is smiling back at you....Ack, there he is again!

8. That I know he always keeps a couple of letters unopened just in case he really needs one some day. He gets them often enough, that it's not a problem.

9. That it hurts my feelings a little on days when our little one gets all fun, smiles, hugs and kisses from him and then when it's my turn on the computer or phone I get a TO DO list, talk about bills, frustrations and worries. I know it's par for my "rank" but....

10. That just because I don't verbally freak out with him about stuff he worries about doesn't mean I'm not freaking out a lot inside. I just don't see how it will help for BOTH of us to be freaking out at the same time. Seriously.

How about you? Any silly things you don't tell your husband? Anything that breaks your heart just a little bit? And remember, keep in within the moral and legal limits. Don't be tarnishing up my innocent little blog with anything stupid or truly destructive now.

Miss Him Trying To Get Out Of The Doghouse

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Here's something silly I'm looking forward to seeing my husband do when he gets back. I'm guessing it will happen sometime in the first couple of weeks he's home. The hilarious routine he does when he knows he's pushed it too far, is on the verge of "the doghouse" and needs desperately to save himself.

He knows just how to get me laughing to save himself and I've missed that silly, aggravating routine. I'm sure you know just what I'm talking about if you are married or in a long-term relationship. I think every man learns this routine at a very early age to sweet talk his mother when he knows he's misbehaved.

It's impossible to stay mad, frustrated or annoyed when he starts this silliness, mostly because it's so absurd that he things he can get away with it. The audacity of that is what makes is so effective and so funny. He'll start out with a big, mischievous smile, then start speaking in a high-brow British accent, saying "Oh, come now Margaret, you can't be mad at me" try to hug me and which point I will start to roll my eyes, shake my head and try to hold him at arm's length.

Then he will start proclaiming sweet nothings, his undying devotion and how he knows I can't possibly stay mad at him. At this point I am attempting with all my might to steel my resolve not to fall for this yet again.

Then the "I can't believe he thinks he can get away with this" laugh starts to percolate in me and it's impossible to not smile. Then, darn it, he knows he's got me and it's time for his all-out assault. He'll grab me, kiss me, tickle me, whatever it takes to totally and completely break me down. Then I'm laughing and he knows he's won this battle, at least for today.

It's been so long since we've had, I call it "the joy" of seeing this play out, because we haven't been together and those little everyday annoyances haven't been a part of our lives. It's silly what you cherish when it's been a long time since you've been with the one you love. But this silliness is one thing I will look forward to. This and his silly techno music DJ routine he does sometimes. It's so hilarious. I already asked him if he'll do that for me when he gets home. There will be lots of silly little every day things to enjoy when he gets back here to our loving arms. Can't wait!

His Coming Home Lightbulb Came On

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Four weeks before R and R, my husband who had been, shall we say not very cheery for a while, suddenly became this smiley, upbeat, happy guy. He was all smiles on Skype and talking about coming home for R and R freely and with enthusiasm. It was like a lightbulb went on and he could see his way back to us clearly.

Having close relationships with law enforcement and military folks, I have learned that when they have to put their heads down and work, they lock up their hearts and can seem very emotionless and cold. They are definitely NOT going to get sappy about home, how much they love you, miss you and all that stuff. Not happening.

I have seen the waves of emotions and emotionlessness ebb and flow with my husband. When we said goodbye, he was exhausted & on task. Not very emotional. But when he was getting on that plane to leave the country, I got a long text that said EVERYTHING he wanted me to know just in case he never came back. It was intense and deeply heartfelt.

The month leading up to R and R, he was totally warm, flirty, cute and funny. Started skyping much more often. During R and R, he was totally exhausted and pretty pressed for time to get a million things done. But we had some great time together. Then when he went back he immediately got sick, got into a funk, and kind of stayed that way. As the months counted down, I started to just give up and think Just get him home and things will be better after that.

I was hoping I would see that lightbulb go on in his head again when I could see that he was allowing himself to think about coming home, being with us and how he felt about us. I gave up on that.

Then last weekend, just as I was leaving the house on yet another lonely Saturday night to grab a bite to eat and get out of the house for a while, I just had one of those waves (I know you know what I'm talking about) of intensely missing him. They tend to come out of the blue, crush you for a few minutes and then they go on their merry way while you recover. On my way out I decided to run down and check the mail on the way out the door. There was a thick card envelope from him. How did he know I needed that just at that moment and to send that card just in time to get to me on Saturday.

I looked at the front of the card and in the left bottom corner there were two red hearts drawn in pen. One with my initials and one with Clementine's. Highly unusual behavior! haha. I waited a while to open the card because just getting it was awesome enough to last me a month! ha. A few hours later I opened the card and was just a big puddle of happy tears reading the most gushy love stuff he has every written. Thanking us for for all  our letters and prayers and how he could feel them helping him. He let us both know exactly how he feels about us and what we mean to him. It was amazing.

Like the text from the airplane, it said everything he could want to say to us. It was beautiful. I am never letting this card out of my sight! And I got my sign, with that card, that he is lifting his head up from his work and looking homeward, remembering our life and all the love we have, showing his emotions and unlocking his heart. Hello lightbulb!!!! Hello My Sweetheart. Look forward to seeing you soon!

P.S. After writing this I think I've figured out what it is that turns on the light. It's when he gets his travel plans, because a while after I read this card, he Skyped and gave me travel info. I think when he sees on paper actual flight information, then he lets himself make it real. I'm guessing that happens with a lot of other people too.