Finding Myself Again

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I didn't imagine I would have bouts of difficulty sleeping, battle feelings of overwhelming stress and bits of depression. I definitely didn't realize that it would take me some time to recover from the major stresses we had been through the past couple of years and then the three weeks Mr. Hart had at home to get ready to deploy. Once he left, I realized I was a shell of my former self after all that stress and it took me months before I felt like me again. In those first few months I had days I never got dressed, many nights I slept on the couch, had to just sit and do nothing useful and shed a few tears.

I wasn't in a bad funk, I wasn't lost, but I knew I was exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally wrung out. I had lost some of myself over time, over the many months he had been coming and going every few weeks, family situations that were causing grief and over the building stresses of deployment and all the fears that come with that.

So I let myself go through it. Little by little I started feeding my soul things it craved. I journaled, I slept whenever I could which was still rarely enough. I took myself out to pretty places. I talked with friends. I started doing more creative projects. I put happy music on. I gardened a little. I bought small bouquets of fresh flowers for the house.

I visited my sister and went shopping with her and got highlights and a great haircut. Instead of just wandering past the clothing racks I tried on lots of things and tried new things, updated my look. I found amazing bras that I liked and that fit perfectly. I bought new shoes. I started making resolves and standing up for myself more. I looked back at the ways I had failed myself by not taking care of myself and vowed not to do that again. I gave myself more care, made myself more of a priority.

Then I started hacking things out of my life. I cut back all the things I thought I could accomplish by half. And then I realized I still significantly overestimated what was possible to get done in a day, a week, a year. I began looking at ways to cut that back again. I strongly attached myself to the realization that if I was going to live my life to the fullest I had to break it down to the simplest, most important tasks only.

Those tasks, for me, I identified as:

1) Caring for and strengthening myself. Number one most important life responsibility. There is no beauty or greatness in giving up on yourself to care for others. I can do more and do better when I am at my best. That means enough sleep, very healthy diet, time to make myself look and feel pretty and having a wardrobe that makes me feel like my best self. It also meant cultivating my mind and soul with inspirational study and prayers for inspiration.

2) Taking care of my husband and child. That means being healthy enough myself that I can joyfully love them, not tiresomely resent them. Taking care of them means providing a warm and welcoming home, letting them see my face light up when they walk into the room, feeding them healthy, vibrant foods, making time to have fun with them, always receiving their love.

3) Taking care of home and hearth. Keeping home a sane, organized place is a huge amount of work. But since it is where we spend most of our time, I want it to feel good to be here. Keeping it looking nice does require work, but it also requires teaching and encouraging others to help. That is a lot of work too.

4) Serving others. Doing for others is one of the best ways to feel happy and wonderful. In my extended family, my church and my neighborhood, I want people to know that I care about them and am happy to help them when they need it.

5) Developing my talents and doing creative projects. This is one area that I have been cutting back on. I likely do 2-4 creative projects a month. But if I has my way I would be doing them 24/7. I feel good being very thoughtful about how I use my time in this area and how I spend money. It's easy to get caught up buying tons of "crafty toys" and it can get very expensive. Often they end up just sitting in drawers most of the time after the first project or two. I want to maximize my enjoyment and my productivity at the same time. These things make me happy so it is important that I find creative outlets on a regular basis.

It's amazing in the time I've given myself to heal and return to my center I continue to feel more and more whole, more and more my authentic self. It's a continual process but just being mindful of myself and my needs and making sure those are met is living my best life. When I really took a look at all I was trying to do, it was too much for two or three people to do in a day. Having very realistic expectations was a challenging place to get to because I kept having to cut back. I know I can do a lot in a day but that doesn't leave me in a good place at the end.

It's amazing how much happier I feel about my life and how much calmer I feel. I enjoy the simple every day activities more and feel like I am living much more in the present moment. Rather than looking at making dinner as a necessary evil, I am looking at it was a way to express my care and love for my family and creativity. Sure makes the tasks a lot more enjoyable. Even cleaning house is more enjoyable when you are focused on the end results for you and for your family.

In some ways I have found the old me and in many ways I have created a new me who is enjoying life more and feeling more calm and peaceful every day. This is progress and I am so glad I pushed my through the hard days to get here.

Did you ever feel you lost yourself for a time during deployment? What did you do? What worked, what didn't?