The Pros & Cons Of Christmastime R & R

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I thought I would share some Pros and Cons about scheduling R&R during the Christmas/New Year holidays like we did. It definitely has some good things about it and some challenging things as well. Hopefully this will be helpful for those of you who are just starting a one-year deployment in late summer because your R and R will likely fall around the holidays and you'll have this info when your service member applies for leave.

Pros

1) It was great to have my husband here while our daughter was out of school for Christmas break. She missed one day of school on the day he came home. Then he left two days before she went back to school in January. We were really torn about trying to avoid doing R and R during the holidays or doing it then so she was out of school. That worked out well for us so she didn't have to miss much school. 

2) It was great to be able to celebrate the biggest holidays of the year as a family. We were able to visit extended family in wintry weather too. I was glad I never had to feel sadness about us not being together for Christmas.

3) It was right in the middle of our deployment, so when R and R was done, we had a little less than half way to go. That was comforting to know we were on the downhill side when he went back.

4) Transitioning into the new year after he went back to Afghanistan seemed natural and kept us busy. Once he left we had to regroup to return to our weekly school schedule just as everyone else was regrouping from the holidays - basically doing the same thing. That made the transition a lot easier.

Cons

1) We wanted to take a real vacation together as a family or meet him in a vacation spot like Hawaii. Unfortunately at that time of year the prices are double what they normally are at vacation destinations. Hawaii was off the charts expensive and options were slim. Taking a nice vacation at twice the price just wasn't something we wanted to do as much as we would've loved to be away from home where we could all really relax.

2) Getting business done like doctor's appointments, banking, visits to government offices, etc. during two weeks where there were big holidays right in the middle of the week was a challenge. Lots of people were out of town or offices were closed. It made our schedule very tight on the few days where we could conduct critical business he needed to get done while he was home.

3) The holiday weeks are already hectic. Throwing in the stress of deployment R and R can up the stress and exhaustion quite a bit. We went to bed before eight on more than one night completely worn out. With all the celebrating and events it can feel like you are cheated out of quiet time together as a family. We had very little downtime over the two weeks.

4) Places tend to be a lot busier during the holidays and there is a lot more traffic. With everyone off work everywhere we tried to go was extra busy which made things slow. Not great when your time is limited and you're already exhausted.

So those are my major Pros and Cons of having R and R during the Christmas season. Any time you have R and R is fantastic. I hope these ideas will help you decide if it's something you want to try for. For you other military families who've done R and R, have you tried holiday leave and how did it go? Or did you chose to do it another time instead. I love hearing about your experiences.

Thanks for coming by!

R&R: The Time Change Cooking Disaster

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One of the things I was most excited about doing for my husband when he came home in the middle of his deployment for two weeks was to cook for him. We talked on the phone about all his favorite meals, I made lists, shopped, planned and was totally ready to wow him during R and R with everything he loved to eat. I just didn't realize how a 12+ hour time change for him would mess with our plans.

When my husband came home having lost TWENTY pounds of muscle in the first six months, I was a little alarmed and even more determined to feed him everything I possibly could before he left for the second six months. He couldn't even wear most of his clothes. We had to go buy him a pair of jeans he could wear for the two weeks. (Thankfully he gained some of that weight back during the second six months).

So he got home for his two week break and I was ready to cook up a storm. On his second night home I start dinner and by the time I'm done cooking he had fallen asleep. Not just "nap" asleep but "for the whole night" asleep. He slept on the couch from early evening until early morning. Then I had this big beautiful dinner and no man to eat it. Putting it all in the fridge was SO sad, knowing we'd missed that chance to enjoy the meal together and that it would never be as beautiful and delicious the next day heated up in the microwave. So sad.

My dreams of making him a big breakfast were ruined when he was awake at two in the morning and had already have a breakfast hours before I even woke up. If I was lucky I got to make him lunch and then he was asleep again by early afternoon and into the night.

In the two weeks he was home I may have made two or three meals that we all actually ate together as a family. Most of the second week we were traveling and either eating with family or eating out. Most nights he wasn't around for dinner, fast asleep wherever he fell in the afternoon or early evening.

When it comes to military life, having expectations is often futile, but being flexible and understanding the circumstances you are in are invaluable. I learned quickly to let go of my expectations about all our beautiful meals together and just keep reminding myself that he was home and that I should enjoy every single moment of it.

Surviving Deployment After R & R

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As I mapped out our year-long deployment, which began last summer I had the expectation that the winter months would be the most difficult, particularly after Christmas, when we would be past R & R and still have half our deployment to go. I anticipated that colder temperatures, less daylight and the stress of saying goodbye again would be difficult.

I continued to think about this as deployment progressed and kept feeling the need to have a really good plan to keep myself busy during those months. I didn't realize at the time that come Christmas time I would become a full-time mom to Clementine and as hard as it was to say goodbye to Mr. Hart once he returned for the shorter second half of deployment the days would absolutely fly by.

Before that I had made a plan to visit my family, work on projects, and make a lot of plans with friends to keep my busy. Seeing it all mapped out on a calendar really helped me feel I had some control over my life for that period of time and that I could make sure my life was as happy as possible during that time.

Instead my life was filled with a lot of mom work and a lot of life lessons for myself on being a good parent, having a child in school, doing elementary school homework and learning massive amounts of patience. I became a much better mom as the months went by but it was exhausting. I went through periods where I was so exhausted I was going to bed at 8:30 or 9:00 at night. I had other periods where I couldn't sleep and was sneaking naps while she was at school. It was an amazing and very fast paced life. I gave up most of my personal goals during that time and focused on home and family. Having her around was such a joy that it made every day happy and fun, full of life.

The final few months flew by as if it was a few weeks. But I was always glad I had a plan for myself during deployment and knew I could enjoy my time while Mr. Hart was away. Deployment was nothing like what I expected. The first six months were the hard part for me. I think months three through five were the most difficult for me. I think there was some depression and exhaustion playing heavily on my life.

During that time I didn't sleep in my bed, I slept on the couch. I left the TV on until I fell asleep at 3 or 4 a.m. I was withdrawn and a few days didn't even get dressed or leave the house. The projects I was working on were stressful but I had to keep going and get them done for our family. It was during the first months of deployment that I learned that the body has a mind of its own. One my husband's R & R light came on (you can read about that here) things got vastly better and I stayed pretty up the rest of the deployment.

I feel so blessed that once we started getting ready for R & R things got a lot easier for me. R & R itself was a roller coaster. I still didn't sleep all that well and still had my ups and downs, days I didn't want to interact too much with the world, but I definitely did a lot better and was able to stay in good shape most of the time. It's a stressful time and no one had the same pressures on them even during deployment. I had my own unique stresses and challenges that came with deployment and I have a lot of sympathy for women at home during a military deployment.

I think the other thing that really helped me during the last half of deployment was making friends with other military spouses and girlfriends. That really boosted my spirits to find other people who understood my life and what I was feeling. It encouraged me when the offered support and encouragement and when I could offer that for others. I laughed hard at things they shared that sounded so much like my life. It always helped me to remember "it's a military thing" not a failing of myself, my husband or our life. It was normal in the military world and lots of people lived the same experiences. Feeling that connection played a big part in helping me thrive through the last half of deployment. And to those ladies I offer a HUGE thank you. Thank you for getting me through! My twitter handle is @midlifenavywife if you want to connect there.

Deployment will in many ways be the same and be different for everyone. I'm glad I was blessed to have a great experience in the last half of our deployment, even thought it was still challenging. I had a lot of opportunities to grow and I know I am a much stronger, better, more beautiful person for the experience.

Lessons From Married To The Army: Alaska

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I'd like to thanks the ladies of Married To The Army: Alaska for being one of the best tutorials on spouse life I've ever had. We were a few months into our my first deployment as a military SO when the show premiered and the families on the show were just a few weeks ahead of us. That was so great. Here's what I learned.

1) I learned it would be nice to have military friends to do thing things with and have for Battle Buddies. Nobody understands what it feels like to worry about your loved one in a war zone like someone in the same boat.

2)  I learned what it would feel like for my fiance to come home for R and R and for my husband to leave from R and R. Loved watching the arrivals imagining ours was just weeks away. I also learned that being together after separations is not easy. On top of that I learned that sometimes they come home way earlier than expected and mess up your well-timed schedule which is awesome and stressful at the same time. Little did I know our man would come home two days early just like Lindsay's did. Then I cried my eyes out watching each wife say goodbye after the two-week leave.

3) I learned the value of great military wife role models. You AMAZE me Mrs. Goins! You are my role model for gracious, exemplary, loving living.

4) I learned how important it is to take good care of yourself, especially emotionally during deployment. Loved watching Blair and Rynn work through their challenges and come out even better on the other side. Plus it was nice to see what it was like for Rynn to go to counseling for the first time. That's a big step for most and it's great to see someone take it so you know you can if you need to. Seems like the lesson was there is peace on the other side.

5)  I learned about The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and immediately had our little one take the test. Loved learning how to love her better! Again, thanks Rynn for sharing your journey! And I'm still sorry that they used that clip of your bedside meltdown so many times. I know you weren't like that the whole deployment even if they made it seem that way sometimes. Love you!

6) I learned that the TSA will allow military families to get a gate pass and go to the gate to meet their returning loved ones. I had no idea about that and neither did my husband. I had to check that out when I saw every wife going to the gate or at least trying to get to the gate to meet their husbands coming back for R and R.

I arranged it all and didn't tell my fiance that Clementine and I would be there waiting for him to walk off that plane. Even though there were lots of military personnel on the plane, I think we were the only family there, the rest of them were going on to other destinations. So it was a fantastic surprise! This was definitely the best thing I learned from the show!

Married To The Army Alaska was a gift for me in the first half of deployment. I think the first half was definitely the hardest for me. It really helped get me through. Things changed a lot for us in the second half of deployment and I was so busy that it just flew by. I'll be forever thankful for the ladies of Married To The Army Alaska for helping me get through and for all the things I learned as they shared their lives.

Pre-R&R Nerves

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I can't believe it's already been a couple of months since Mr. Hart went back to deployment after R&R. When we began the deployment it seemed like it was so far away and now it's over and we're looking at a homecoming in not so long.

As I looked forward to R&R I read a lot of articles by other military spouses about their experience with it. I saw a comment by one woman who said her husband said he wasn't coming home for R&R. It obviously hurt her. I could relate to both of them.

There was a part of me that thought it might be easier not to see Mr. Hart in the middle of deployment. It sounded way too torturous to have him come home and then have him ripped away from us again. Thinking in those dramatic terms it does sound pretty awful. I never brought that up to him because I wanted him to decide how he wanted to spend that time. But at the same time I would've been crushed if Mr. Hart had said he didn't want to see us. I knew deep down that nothing other than seeing him was really an option I could accept. There really was no question.

We talked about R&R for several months. He put in for dates as soon as he was able which was just a few weeks after he got there. It seemed so far away then. For a while we talked about meeting in some other country. Then for a time he wanted me to plan a trip to Hawaii. But I couldn't imagine putting him on a plane for another 12 hours in that two week time span plus costs were double because it was during the holidays. 

Once Thanksgiving came, it somehow opened the holiday "You're coming for R and R soon!" floodgates. Suddenly he was his now unfamiliar cheery, romantic self. It was obvious he was letting himself think about home and that he, who hides his excitement so well, was getting excited to come home, to see us, to see me. There was a lot more smiling and flirtiness in the usually business like, task-oriented and information-relaying phone calls and Skype sessions -- and they were more frequent too. The honeymoon before R and R was awesome.

I was watching Married To The Army: Alaska on OWN and saw that the wives all kept going to through security to meet their husbands. I had to google that to find out if that was just something they worked out for the wives on that show or if it was for the military in general. Here's the lowdown from the Army.mil website. When I found out just a couple of weeks before our R and R that we could do this, I made sure to plan on it and then didn't tell Mr. Hart, so that we could surprise him at the gate.

Then there was the big "what to wear" dilemma. That went on for many days and in the end I wore a bright coral striped tunic, black pencil skirt and heels. He ended up calling us two days early and telling us that he would be home in five hours. Boy were we scrambling. I had taken care of a long list of things that needed to be done before he came, but I learned a big lesson. Don't save the housecleaning for the last two days in case they come early. I had a huge stack of papers on his desk that I needed to sort and file and a few other chores that I had not accomplished that I was expecting to take care of those last two days so I wouldn't be twiddling my thumbs waiting for him.

He assured me multiple times that at the earliest he might be half a day early. But two full days early really screwed me up and left me in a lurch. Not that we weren't thrilled to get him back, but the house didn't look as nice as I had planned and that was a bummer. I learned my lesson to get the housework done at least a week in advance, especially because you're just worn our by all the excitement the closer it gets. You have less energy the last couple of days before he gets back. I would've rather been running around town doing small errands those days than doing the housework. We sacrificed a bit of the housecleaning to shower and get pretty for his arrival. That was a must after all. 

For the meet at the airport we were able to get gate passes, but know that both times this took a good ten minutes or more. Much longer than it takes for a person to check in. One of the more senior agents helped us. The more senior people seem to know how that all works. We got our gate passes and just talking to the agent I was already getting teary-eyed. Our little one had not seen her dad for six months and she was so excited and a little teary too. And she wanted me to hold her every minute. She's tall and weighed almost 60 lbs. Craziness.

It's pretty rare to see military personnel in our airport since we don't have any major bases nearby, but because it was just before the holidays then entire place was full of military personnel trying to get home for Christmas. We talked to a few of them headed in all sorts of directions. It seems like we waited at the gate for a very long time. Then his plane arrived and it seemed like it took them an eternity to park the dang thing. Then military guys and civilians started pouring out of the plane. We waited and waited and waited. Uniforms would appear and we'd check the face to see if it was our Daddy. There must've been at least 20 military personnel who got off and still no Mr. Hart. Just when it seemed there couldn't be too many more people on the plane, he came out and the little one ran straight over to her Daddy and jumped into his arms. It was so fun to see them smother each other with kisses.

I waited and watched and let them gobble each other up with love. It was so darling. They he walked over to me and we stole a kiss over her shoulder. She was in his arms and not about to let go. So we group hugged.There was a lot of hugging that went on for a while. Then we all walked hand in hand to the baggage claim. While we waited for his bags we took a few photos. A young military guy, who kept calling my husband "Sir" offered to take some photos for us. About this time, everything became a fast moving whirlwind. He was home with us and that was all that mattered. You can read more about our R and R here.

So long story short, there are lots of things to spend your time fretting about before R and R comes. But enjoy all that fun frenzy in the weeks leading up to his return. It's very much a cute courtship period and it helps reconnect you after a few months of very often feeling disconnected. Things will take care of themselves in the end and then he's home and the time goes by so fast and then it's time to let him go again. You can read about our goodbye here.

If you are planning for your first R and R ask for advice from other people who've been through it. They will have great suggestions and calm your worries. Let your military loved one choose how they want to spend their R and R. Don't plan too much because they will be on a totally whacked sleep schedule when they get back and the first few days they'll sleep all afternoon and evening and be awake while you're asleep, so plan for that. Know that they will be exhausted from the deployment itself and all the travel they've done to get to you. Go easy on them.

For those of you looking forward to R and R if you have any questions, just hit me up in the comments below or send an email or DM tweet. If I can help I surely want to. Hope your R and R is as fantastic as ours was.

R&R: A Two-Week Roller Coaster Ride

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Rest and Recuperation, better known as R&R, is one of the most anticipated segments of a deployment. Your loved one can come home for two weeks or you can meet them somewhere else. After having been through R&R recently I have a lot of posts planned about it. It is definitely something military spouses and significant others think a lot about and do a lot of planning for.

If I could describe what R&R feels like it would be comparing it to going to an amusement park to ride the newest, wildest roller coaster. In the days before you go, you start getting so excited you can't think straight. Then the day comes and you are giddy -- your loved one arrives (you stand at the foot of the roller coaster). You greet each other and step onto the roller coaster. The roller coaster climbs, spins, dives, and twists and you loving every minute of it for two full weeks, surrounded by people and constant noise and activity. The are voices coming at you from every direction. Everyone is fully engrossed in the moment.

Then R&R (your roller coaster ride) comes to an abrupt, screeching, jolting stop. This is the moment when your loved one walks through the doors to the plane out of your sight. And there you stand on the roller coaster platform, suddenly standing stick still, not knowing what to do with yourself. You're dizzy, exhausted, topsy-turvy, bewildered and lost. Suddenly everything has stopped moving, it's quiet, there are no crowds around you, no one cheering and hollering. Everything stops. You figure it's time to  wind your way through the meandering exit, out the front gates and back to your car. Everything inside you is still spinning but the world outside is holding very still...and they are gone again and you go back to your "we can do it" deployment survival camp and carry on. But happily, you are rejuvenated with wonderful fresh memories to carry you through.