10 Little Things I Like To Do On Base

Since we don't live on base or particularly close to a base, getting a chance to visit is like visiting a relative who you feel really comfortable with but don't see often. It feels safe, happy and comfortable.

I thought I'd share 10 little things I enjoy doing when I'm on base. I'd love to see you add some you enjoy in the comments section.

1. Drive along the docks at night enjoying the city skyline behind and all the shiny lights of the ships that never sleep. This is even better by bicycle. You can look around more and it's so unusually quite on base that it just feels a little extra magical. You own the roads and it feels like a great big world just for you.

2. Buy make-up. This sounds so ridiculously girly but I do love getting a good deal on a designer lip gloss. There a pretty, shiny satisfaction in that. The only bummer is how it always takes them 15 minutes to find my shade in all the drawers packed into the bases of the make-up display cases. Don't ever think you're going to just rush in and get out fast.

3. Watch planes land. There's something quite stunning about watching a gigantic cargo plane land. I am befuddled by the science behind keeping such a huge thing in the air.

4. See movies and bowl. A few weeks ago we hit the early Saturday night movie and then walked across the street for Disco Bowling. One of those events is free. The other is quite an "ouch" cost on a Saturday night. Cost for Saturday night is about three times what it is on a weekend afternoon. Zoinks.

5. Go to the driving range. Taking Clementine to the on base golf course is a crack up. Boy does a second grade girl get all the guys looking when she makes an appearance there with clubs on her back. It always cracks me up. She holds her own. I wish I could always say the same about my game. (Hit & miss...)

6. Shop designer purses. There is something extra powerful about the draw to high quality leather goods when you know the prices are incredible and tax-free. I restrain myself pretty well though. I don't remember the last time I indulged.

7. Enjoy a good car wash. Granted I'm going to get wet but for $2 for the basic time it's still pretty cheap to get the car looking good even if you add several minutes. There's a lot of satisfaction in being able to wash my own car. There are no "spray your own" car washes near our house. I have to drive to another city for that.

8. People watch. A base is a great place to people watch. It's fun to see all the different "sailor" types strut their stuff, young and old. Last time we ate on base I watched a great big sailor sit on his phone the entire time he was having dinner with his parents. His bad. I love checking out the retirees and wondering what crazy stories they have to tell. People talk a lot and they talk loudly. You can pick up some great stories.

9. Have doors held for you. No where do I see such great manners in strapping young men for holding doors open for women. And it's often accompanied by a drawled "Maaaa'am." I thank the South for this! Such a treat in a world where people seem too self-involved and lacking basic manners.

10. Feel safe. Granted there have been some violent crimes committed on military bases the past few years, but I doubt there is anywhere in the world where so many people would have the courage to jump up and get involved if the you know what ever hits the fan. And we're talking well-trained people too. What a gift to be surrounded by such can-do people.

I think soon I'll do 10 things I don't like about base. Maybe some one will listen and make some needed changes. (I can pretend my opinion matters that much, haha.)

What are your favorite things to do on base?

image via Wikipedia

Do All Military Spouses Love/Hate Storage Units?

I'm wondering if all military spouses have a love/hate relationship with packing and storage units. Remember the storage unit we had on base. I wrote about it here. Mr. Hart wanted to cut costs and I wanted to bring those things back to our home since we're looking at moving soon. So we spent part of the last two Saturdays cleaning them out and bringing most of the stuff back to our small apartment. Sigh.

It's of no concern to him where all that stuff is going while he's on active duty elsewhere. (LUCKY DOG!) But it's one to two days of work for me to reconfigure all out small storage spaces to figure out how to keep it bearable around here. Not to mention unloading the SUV monster alone.

Some of it went to hubs storage unit not far from base. We had to do a major re-org on his unit because it was a disaster. Sigh. Not to mention it just had to be the hottest day ever. Imagine him standing inside the storage unit where there is no air flow at all. We were both totally soaked to the skin with sweat. Even my hair was totally soaked through like I'd just washed it. It was awful.

I really want to burn the clothes I was wearing that day because I felt so disgusting and just never want to be reminded of that again. But I was really proud of us because we stayed calm and got it all done. Although I will admit that throughout the day there was a somewhat regular expletive tossed by Mr. Hart and by the end of the day I was about in tears from exhausting.

All I could do is stand in front of my husband, put my arms around him and just lay my sweaty, gross head on his shoulder so I would not sit down in the parking lot and cry. Exhausting work. I officially hate storage units. Haha. I was so tired today that after I got Clementine off to school I slept for almost five hours. Hello recovery! Mama's back needs some rest.

Do you have a love/hate with storage units too?

A Military Base Is Like The Bar/TV Show Cheers

I am glad to see Midlife Navy Wife is getting lots of visitors even though I have not been here enough the past few months. I hope the message of my blog continues to inspire and bless readers and visitors lives. We are definitely in this all together and the mutual support is a godsend.

I continue to be so thankful for military bloggers and writers who have saved me time and time again with their inspiring messages. Sharing their challenges has taught me how to manage my own. Sometimes I have learned that a problem we are facing isn't something that is just about us, but is a challenge many and even most military families face.

Other times I have learned a skill that was just what I needed in the moment to be the best I can be in the situation I found myself in. Other times I have felt loving comfort from the understanding of others in my own challenges. That sister and brotherhood between military spouses is such a blessing, isn't it!

This summer we had the chance to increase our circle of military friends and I cherish them. Just knowing they understand our challenges is such a gift. Plus it's so fantastic to see their family adventures online now that we are separated by many miles.

My husband is currently stationed 140 miles away for six months. It's interesting how much more intolerable this feels post-war-zone-deployment that it was before. Now I feel all our patience is a little thinner than it used to be. We used to just get through it, now we strongly dislike it and it feels like it creates discord much more quickly than it did Pre-WZD. I just made that up -- "War Zone Deployment" because what kind of good military spouse would I be if I didn't include one good acronym per post?

There definitely is something familiar about this all and being able to visit base on some weekends had been something you don't get on deployment. Base feels safe. It's like some strange retreat safety zone. Maybe it's a little like the bar Cheers, where "Everybody knows your name." On base people don't necessarily know our name but they know our life.

Since deployment ended I have spent very little time on base. Despite the annoyance of family separation again, it is comforting to be on base more often.

Mother's Day Weekend Navy Style

I had to share with you my Mother's Day gifts from our little one. Navy all the way. So cute. I love how very excited she was to get her dad into the Navy Pride section of the NEX last weekend to do a little shopping for me. What a darling girl. I love that she felt so happy to give me these things and felt they would make me happy too.

It must be her age, but she really wanted to make a BIG deal about Mother's Day this year. She continually reminded her dad that it was coming up, made some beautiful things at school, it was so sweet. The keychain I was told was mean to clip onto the lanyard for a necklace. I love that. I'm hoping to go back to work soon and will likely have a badge or keypass card that I can clip on to that beauty and wear it with pride. Perfect.

Did any of you get something similar for Mother's Day? Do you get military related birthday or Christmas presents? This post from a couple of weeks ago shares a little more about our little one's Navy pride.

Flexing The Military Spouse Muscles

Boy was I channeling all you fellow military spouses and significant others on Friday night as I packed up a huge carload of stuff to take to storage by myself, including trying to figure out how to get a kid's bike in the car which seemed nearly impossible.

Already tired from a long day and ten days of the husband out of town, I put the kiddo bed. Then I started surveying the zone of boxes I had gathered from emptying out a closet here in the house, along with a few big storage bags of goodies my husband brought back from Afghanistan. I think I've mentioned here how he went overboard a little bit on scarves and such. Instead of thinking of what he spent I try translate that into how much it means he was missing us and thinking of us.

Because I had moved so many times before I met my husband, I have learned to be a great packer and organizer. I can fit an amazing amount of stuff in a car, using up every inch possible. I took a mountain of boxes and fit them into a very small sporty 4-door, which would get me the best gas mileage to drive to base to our storage.

Speaking of which, can I just tell you about what happened when we were on base a couple of weeks ago planning to go to our storage units. It was Sunday afternoon and when I went to the area where all the storage containers were they were all gone. The MWR decided to just move them all without ever saying anything to anyone. I called the base security office and they had no idea they had been moved and were none too happy that this had all happened without them being told. We're talking about an entire portable storage area being moved without alerting the renters of all the units or base security. I was not happy and of course the MWR is not open on Sundays. So I left an annoyed message. (By the way they never called me back.) I can only imagine how much angrier I would've been had I been moving and come to base expecting to put all my stuff in a moving van and leave the next morning for a PCS or other move.

When you are talking about a space the size of a military base, those units could've been moved a million places that I would never be able to find. I took fifteen minutes and did a quick drive around base and found several pods of storage units none of which were ours. After talking to my husband who was not near base at the time, I gave up. We imagined that the units were somewhere in the dark, hidden, mystery regions of base that one would never see just driving down the road.

So I decided to just go get gas and make the long trip home without ever getting to our units. As I pulled up to get gas, I looked straight ahead of me across the gas station into the old used car/motor home parking area and there were rows and rows of storage units. After I filled up with gas I eagerly drove the short distance, jumped out of my car and started row by row through a good quarter acre of units stacked in no particular order, even though every container is alphabetically labeled & numbered.

They were all stacked in alphabetical and numerical order in the old space, so it wouldn't have been too tough to just put them down as they were picked up and have them be in some semblance of order. But I must remind myself, this is the military, order and logic, while generally very useful, are not always initially put into play. Finally in the middle of the great parking lot of storage units I found our units and gained access to them. Soon I was on the freeway and headed home trying to beat traffic. Thank you providence for leading me to those units.

Anyway, I made the big trip again on Saturday. I was going to be alone all day, and I realized what better day to get all that done with no distractions (aka husband and kid). So I packed up the car Friday night and then got up early and made the drive and then of course had to reorganize the units completely to get everything to fit properly and in an orderly fashion. My husband was the last to take anything out or add anything and there is such a huge waste of space going on that I can hardly handle it. The two closet size units were really only half full.

I took the wheel off the old bike to get it to fit into the trunk. Hooray. That was a major win for me at about midnight Friday night. Once the car was full and I had put back everything I had pulled out to get the boxes out, I still had several loads of laundry to fold. So I put on HGTV online episodes and tried to relax and get the house cleaned up a bit before my long, long day. 

When I rearranged the two closet-size storage units and added the carload of stuff I had brought with me, they were still only each half full...okay maybe they are each two-thirds full now. But there is still a lot of space and I am looking forward to getting another carload of stuff out of here soon. Hello open space! So I aim to get our money's worth going forward and fill those babies up. I also got rid of a lot of stuff during the week while my husband was out of town and angel girl was at school. That is definitely the best time to throw things away, while they aren't watching.

After I finished up at the storage unit, I forced myself to take a break and wander the NEX. Unfortunately I found a really cute pair of sandals in my "hard-to-find" size and I couldn't say no. I should write a post on things we won't tell my husband which include the fact that I've picked up FIVE pairs of sandals in the 10 days he's been away. But total price was under $100 so that is pretty awesome - plus my size will be sold out and there won't be much available the rest of the summer, so it's awesome to know I have a great selection for the entire summer.

I had lunch at the Food Court while reading the base events magazine then despite the blustery, "might rain" weather I popped over to the carwash. I was horrified when I climbed into the back seat to see what a mess our kiddo has made back there. The things I found under the car seat. Ugh. So I vacuumed for a good 20 minutes, every inch of the car with low suction (boo). Then I decided what the heck I'll wash the car too. That felt good and when I was done I sent a flirty "I just vacuumed and washed your car" text to my husband who's coming home to day. 

Looking at my weekend, It's amazing what I can get done when I'm alone. I remember my single days when I used to be so hyper effective, my house was always spotless and I got tons done in the evenings and on weekends and was only half as tired as I am now. But I was only half as full of love back then when I didn't have this delicious little family. Now I am overflowing with all the love I get, so, hey it's worth it -- messier house, kid-destroyed car interiors, overflowing amounts of stuff and all.

As I was doing all of this muscle moving, I was thinking of all of you, who have moved so many time, sometimes by yourself, and who do so many challenging things that it would be nice to have a man around for. In this life our "be independent" muscles are never going to get weak, are they?! I'm glad I can still carry heavy loads on my own.

Just having to do it once in a while reminds me to be grateful for my husband and all he does and to be grateful that I'm "military grade" strong enough to handle all the sometimes tough stuff military life brings my way. Saluting all you "military grade" ladies for all you do, so often with no fanfare or notice. You are amazing. Thanks for being in it with me!

image via mca

Proud To Be A Navy Girl

image via Armed Forces Gear

I'm starting to realize we have a real Navy girl on our hands here. It's been building for a while and certainly during Daddy's deployment it was happening but it's so cute to see our little one's continually growing devotion to the Navy.

First before deployment we were given a couple of teddy bears in camo. We named one Army and the other Navy since Daddy's served in both. Then came John Paul Jones, as we named him, the Navy eagle stuffed animal per request at Christmas. After Christmas it was a new pink camo backpack for school and green camo pajama pants.

Then of course Daddy brought her home some good gear from deployment including a Kalishnakitty tee shirt.  -- Which she is forbidden from ever wearing outside the house and particularly to school -- can you even imagine ---yikes! Trust me I've played that scenario out in my head numerous times, the call from the principal, her teacher, who is a real NUTJOB, would be catatonic!

Tangent Alert: I'm totally counting down the days until the end of the year so I can stop biting my tongue about this teacher in front of our kiddo - of course I'm still never going to say anything much to her about it, but at least this woman won't be a part of our daily lives.

It has taken massive amounts of discipline on my part to mask my intense dislike of her. (And I'm a super easy-going, "give everyone the benefit of the doubt" kind of gal!) It's been a long year since our first encounter when I realized we'd drawn the short straw for this year. But only recently has our kiddo begun to complain about her unfair practices and how psycho she seems. It's like menopause gone off the rails with that woman. Six weeks & counting!

It's kind of humorous actually that my one unhappy loon of a grade school teacher was in the same grade our kiddo is this year. Same menopausal age, same soulless, smile-less gray face, same "everything bothers me" attitude. I've reflected back on that a lot this year to remind myself that "this too shall pass" and that we all get a crummy teacher now and again.

Anyway, back to our Navy girl, last week we were on base and as a thank you for a big errand we ran for Daddy, he told her she could get one thing. Well since they took out the kid's department at the NEX (WHY?!) there really wasn't much of anything for her to get. But she gladly begged to get a Navy sweatshirt. Navy blue with pink camo letters. It's nearly impossible to get this girl to wear a jacket or sweater but guess what she's been wearing non-stop since the weekend. I'm going to have to peel it off of her for a washing eventually.

I love that she thinks the Navy is so cool. I love that she thinks it's so awesome that she has a "Navy Dad." I'm a little envious of the simplicity of her world and how she is able to live outside the bounds of all the ridiculous and often infuriating politics: from Washington, D.C. right down to Daddy's unit, and just appreciate the idea of the honor of military service.

I want to do all I can to help her build a foundation on that. She comes from a multi-generation military family, who take the honor seriously, and I want to instill that in her. I doubt she'll ever choose to serve in the military, but you never know, she may end up a loyal military wife someday so teaching her everything I can about that can't hurt.

Since my mother-in-law, who was a milspouse for 30-plus years, passed away before I met her son, I'm especially glad for all I've learned from all of you other military spouses. You've been a blessing and a godsend and have gotten me through a lot of separations, helped me figure out services, acronyms and so, so much more. Thank you for your examples! You and our little girl are an awesome reminder that I'm a Navy Girl too and to stand tall with pride that we have the honor of being a military family.

Don't Be Afraid Of Therapy

image via mca

I've had the chance to meet and talk with a lot of therapists and counselors this past year both within and outside of the military community. It's been a great introduction to the world of counseling and all the good it can do. This image above might be your vision of therapy. It may sound a little scary, daunting, intrusive or embarrassing. But after meeting so many very competent therapists and counselors inside and outside the military community I am here to say do not hesitate to seek out help if you feel that life has become overwhelmingly stressful or you haven't felt like yourself in a long time.

Here's a great article that I very much agree with about what therapy is and isn't called Ten Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy by Megan Hale. This article is full of just the compassion, understanding and encouragement I have seen in conversations with therapists, social workers and chaplains I have enjoyed getting to know over the past year.

This has been my experience as I have entered into therapy sessions for myself in the past few months. I am a pretty strong person and have always had a pretty great attitude about life. But after a string of very challenging events for our family I was worn down and had lost my ability to be my normal sunny, happy, calm self. I found myself shorter tempered, exhausted and frustrated more often than I needed to be and I felt like I was on permanent "crisis mode" after needing to operate in crisis mode for such an extended period of time. Throw in the sleeplessness and stress of my husband's year-long military deployment and boom, I was one tired, worn out woman.

So after deliberating for a while, I decided to meet with a therapist that was recommended to me by someone I met in the FOCUS program. I am glad I did because it's been great for me, but I also am glad I did it because now I can share that encouragement with others. Do it. If you feel it will help, do it. You will feel a HUGE load lifted off your shoulders in an environment where you can say what you feel honestly without worry or shame. Don't wait until things get so bad that your situation becomes a crisis you can no longer manage.

I have seen that there are great things that can happen in counseling for military kids, service members, spouses and as families and couples too. It's great to have an outside party who can point out areas where you should probably give yourself, your spouse, your life or your family a break, things that might be creating more frustration than ease, ways of thinking that may be blocking your success and to help you see the sunny side of life again.

Some of the major issues we've talked about in therapy have to do with how I constructed my mindset in my childhood and things that happened in my life then. Amazing how it flows over into so much of how I do things as as adult. I've caught myself creating beliefs that aren't exactly true or in some cases are totally false. For instance last week I mentioned a situation that I had failed at. When we looked at it, I hadn't failed the situation at all. I had done all I could do. The situation has just not worked out in my favor initially. So I had to backtrack and realize I had not failed but the situation had been a difficult one. Major difference in perspective and how it affects one's sense of self worth and ability to succeed!

I've also learned how often we misuse the words "always" and "never." As in "Things never work out" or "This always happens to me" or "I always am disappointed." Every once in a while I hear myself speak one of these words. There are no absolutes in our life experience. There are good and bad days, things sometimes work out and sometimes they don't. When things are difficult it's easy to feel like only bad things happen or when we have trouble in relationships it's easy to say the other person "always" treats us in a way we don't like. When we think things are always one way or the other we create a situation that isn't real and then we operate as if it were. A recipe for trouble.

Therapy is an opportunity to see ourselves and our lives more clearly. It's a great opportunity to refocus our thoughts and actions for more happiness and greater success in life. It can help kids to adults develop strong souls and learn life-changing skills, it can improve marriages and bring peace. It's a good thing. Be sure to find someone you feel comfortable with and have good chemistry with. Get recommendations. Go through reputable resources. You should always feel it's working for you and if it's not, find someone else who you do feel chemistry with.

But don't wait. It the thought comes to your mind repeatedly go do it. I found myself wanting to go to therapy for a good year before I really did it. I should've gone so much sooner. Why did I need to suffer for another year when I could've lightened my load with less stress so much earlier.  I also found that things would be fine during the week when we were busy and when the weekend hit we'd end up in crisis and I would have nowhere to turn, promise myself I'd call for an appointment on Monday morning and then the week would start, we'd get busy and I'd let the idea go until the next overwhelming moment occurred. Dumb decisions. But I'm glad I finally did it. It's amazing how a few little tweaks to my outlook each week have improved my life. I've learned a lot and appreciate my time to refresh my little soul and focus on my own self-care.

Have you taken advantage of counseling opportunities from the military or other sources. What did you learn and how did it improve things for you?

Learn To Recognize His Stress Triggers

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I wrote this post last fall and somehow never published it. It's a good one that I hope other people will be able to connect with and will help someone out there with the stress of reintegration. Reading this again this week was a great reminder to me too. I still need to be mindful about stress triggers. To set the stage, we went on our first little, "long weekend" vacation since he had come home from deployment. This event I am writing about happened early the morning of our last day of our trip. 

From September 2013: Yesterday I was talking with our reintegration family counselors after our daughter had an appointment. I shared with them our experience on Sunday with the crowds. They mentioned the words "stress triggers" and how great it is that I am learning to recognize them. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'd totally blown it Monday morning.

My husband woke up in the middle of the night stressing out about all the things waiting for us at home. I was looking forward to just having a peaceful day before we headed home late that evening so we could miss holiday traffic. He could not sleep and kept me awake talking about every stressful thing he could think of, including the traffic and how horrible he was sure it would be.

Instead of recognizing that the traffic was triggering his stress and doing what I could to help him, I got mad. Here he was ruining the last day of our trip, yada, yada, yada. In a not very nice voice I told him we were leaving because he was determined to ruin the day and the trip so there was no point in staying another minute. I got up, started gathering up my things, then our little one's things and by the time I got to the car, I wasn't even speaking to him.

While talking with the counselors, they helped me realize that just like that call of "I can't do this" that I responded to so quickly and calmly, I could've done the same thing Monday morning. I didn't connect post-deployment anxiety with his concerns about driving home.

He was the driver for his group for the year he was in Afghanistan, so yes, perhaps he may have a little post-deployment stress about driving in crowds. Duh. I didn't even put that together until days later. I realize now that he felt responsible to get us home safely, that he was worried he'd be too tired to drive us home at night, and again that crowds and stressful situations like traffic jams are a problem.

I started thinking back to some of our more heated moments since he came back and I think I can just about attribute them all to situations where his triggers have been triggered and sometimes I made it much worse by choosing to get belligerent rather than focusing on eliminating the situation that was creating his anxiety. My conversation with the therapists was a real eye opener.

Five Small But Massive Lessons From Last Year

image via MS

It's hard to believe it's already been a year since we first started getting excited that our Daddy was coming home from Afghanistan for R and R. Amazing how quickly time flies by. I am already looking forward to saying goodbye to 2013 and welcoming 2014 with open arms.

So far 2013 has been probably the most difficult and challenging year ever for me. It has really stretched me in so many ways. But I have learned a few things along the way that are really crucial to my personal development and have made me a stronger woman.

Here are a few:

1) Patience: There is nothing like deployment and post-deployment stress to teach you patience. You can't have what you want all the time just because you want it. Learning to postpone gratification is a tricky lesson. I hope I'm getting a little better at this all the time. I find that in some ways I am more patient after deployment and in some ways I am a little less patient. Trying to find the middle ground.

2) Tolerance: Boy has this been a challenging issue. I don't know what my husband went through during deployment and I don't have control over him. I have to let him work through his process on his own. I can't make things be the way I want them to be and I have to accept him the way he is for now and just pray for him and try to be supportive.

3) Love: I love my little family even more than ever. Suffering deepens love. Missing them deepens love. Being reunited and seeing us all together deepens love.

4) Humility: I have had to swallow my pride a lot of times this year. I have had to apologize for losing my cool a lot of times this year. I have had to accept that I am dealing with a lot of things I don't know much about and that ways I've successfully managed things in the past won't always work for every situation or in the future. Humility sandwich for one please.

5) Courage: I don't know how many times in the past two years I have had to manage situations full of fear that I have no control over but it has been many, many, many! Learning to live in the present moment, let go of fear and trust God has been a massive undertaking. I do live in more courage now, but it doesn't mean I don't face fears nearly daily and have to keep working at it.

A short list but a massive one. I'm off to work on more goals today. I am looking forward to a new year and great things to come and knowing that I carry with me new skills to meet new challenges that will come.

How about you? What major lessons have you learned from your military life? Are there any of these that are particularly heavy in your life right now?

Making Memories On Our Own

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I have been thinking a lot recently about how many memories our little one and I have made without hubs being around. We'll never be able to get him caught up on all the inside jokes, weird things that have happened to us, places we seen, people we've met or things we've shared together. She and I have a bond that exists on a whole different plane than our relationship with her dad.

We didn't choose this, we didn't try to create our own little world, but we had to out of necessity. It makes me a little sad and I often feel caught between both worlds. Home is a different place when it's just the two of us. It's much less complicated, more tidy, everything just happens more easily and quickly.

Suddenly when Daddy is home everything changes, the way we do things, the pace of our day, how our mornings flow, what we eat for meals, how we spend our down time and how much of it we have. Things are more peaceful without the testosterone element I realize. Some days I crave that energy and some days I want it to quiet down a little bit. It's frustrating to me to feel torn between these two existences and yet  I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not sure how to navigate it all. I guess I thought once he'd done a one-year-deployment that having him gone for a week or two would be nothing. If anything it's gotten harder in some ways and then it's almost too easy for us to get back on "deployment auto-pilot" but then it all stops as soon as he gets back and we're thrown a bit by that.

I think the divide is getting wider and I'm not sure who's fostering it and who's trying to pull people back together. Maybe this is just another bump in the reintegration process. We are definitely having to redefine what our normal is. I find we like it even less when he's gone, but we all have a little bit of a sense of relief to be apart and catch our breath. This is all very weird. Do people outside the military have anything like this in their lives.

I guess I need to reckon again with the fact that he's always going to be gone a lot. I don't think I ever felt like he'd come back from deployment and suddenly be around all the time, but it does seem like I've gotten a little bit tired of it. Oh the joys of finding our way through life and continually having to redefine what everything means to us and how it will work for us. 

Somehow I guess I will find a way to peacefully exist in these two worlds. Do any of you other military wives understand what I'm talking about? Have you felt the same? Do you have any great advice for me? I've love to hear it if you do. I am continually surprised that even though he's home there's still lots to learn and work through.

A Reintegration Update: It Gets Easier

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My husband has been home for about four months now. I thought it was a good time to give you an encouraging update about the reintegration process. First let me say, it has been blissful and glorious and there have been a few very dark days. There were a few days sprinkled in where I was not sure our family would survive post-combat stress and other challenges. But we held it together and I came to realize that those scary moments would pass with a little space, or a good night's rest or a decent meal.

One thing I learned was to NOT exacerbate the stress situations for my husband. That meant don't do anything that added gasoline to the already burning fire. When he was upset, feeling frustrated and hopeless about his/our future the best thing I can do is let him know I love him and believe in him and our future and then leave the area and give him some space. If that isn't an option, I really have to wrangle all of my strength to not let myself get drawn into a fight and make things worse by saying things that only worsen the situation. As I went along I learned simple things I could say or do to help calm the situation down.

I also learned that there were a lot of things I could to to help my husband avoid getting to that stressed out point. These include helping make sure he eats regularly so his blood sugar doesn't get too low, getting as much sleep as possible, giving him massages to help relax muscles and making sure he gets time to work out. It also helps to make plans with friends and spend time together as a family. Sometimes it is better not to make plans and just give him some downtime and learning the difference in what he needs has been very important.

One of the harder but most beneficial things we have done as part of the reintegration process was attending the Returning Warrior Workshop. That brought up a lot of stress for my husband but I think he also realized that everyone else felt the same stresses as he did, just maybe in slightly different ways. But he found a community of people who could relate to what it feels like to return from a very abnormal situation (war) and try to reintegrate into the family and home environment. I think it was a great help for most of the attendees.

We have had some amazingly charming days as a family and together as a couple. Our reunion has been sweet. We have participated in the FOCUS program, designed to help families in reintegration build resiliency and learn to adjust to their new normal together. It has been wonderful. We have learned a lot as a family and about our individual roles in the family and how we can each bless our family. The people we have worked with have been amazingly gracious and insightful in addressing our family's unique and individual needs.

Reintegration is survivable and you can even come out of it thriving. There is a lot of help available and if you think it will help, by all means get involved in every program you can to help you through. That is my recommendation. I've have learned a lot about myself and how I think and how my upbringing has affected, for good or bad, the way I handle stress and deal with problems. That has helped me see how I can be better and do better. We've gone through that same process as a family, seeing what has worked, what doesn't work and how we can more effectively work together to have a happy, peaceful, successful family.

Don't survive all of deployment only to lose everything in reintegration. Help is available, professionally and within the ranks of all the others who have survived it. Don't suffer in silence. Reach out and see your bright, beautiful future. Four months into reintegration I am happy to see we are finding our new normal and it's better than what we had when he left for deployment.

Deployment: Moving Closer To Family, Base or Staying Put

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One of the big decisions many spouses of deploying service members face is where to live while their spouse is gone. This was a big question mark for me as well. There are lots of ways to look at the picture.

When we first learned about his deployment, we were engaged and both living far from any family. But his daughter was close so for that reason it made sense for me to stay in this area. But we had also talked about me moving closer to my family. It turns out my parents' home would be empty during the time of Hubs deployment, so I could've saved a lot of money housesitting for them. But they live in another state.

We considered moving me close to his military base, so that I had access to base and a military and religious community who would likely be more understanding of what deployment is all about and might perhaps be more supportive. In the community where I lived, no one really had any clue about the military.

I definitely leaned toward moving closer to my family or his base. But I figured if I moved closer to base, I had no real connections with people there. I would be coming in knowing no one. Moving closer to my family wasn't a practical option because I needed to stay in contact with his daughter and would be able to have visitation with her and provide her contact with her Dad.

So in the end, for us, the best answer was for me to stay right where I was. In the end, we had a big surprise and my parents ended up moving near here for an assignment which covered our deployment plus a few weeks. It was great to have them close by. Friends and neighbors were super sweet and supportive here. Our church did a huge service project and sent about 20 care package boxes to him to share with coworkers and fellow church members. It was also good that I stayed for his daughter. Having me nearby was a major blessing for both of them.

There are a lot of decisions to make about where one will live and all of them have pros and cons. In the end there will be a lot of give and take with any decision made and once you make peace with that you are free to just live fully in the present moment of your decision. I am happy about the choice we made and know we made the right choice.

Men & Women: We Miss Each Other Differently

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Here's a lesson I've learned over the years of having my boyfriend/fiance/husband travel frequently. I always miss him most right when he leaves. Things get a little stressful, he gets super busy and I am just standing there watching him pack trying to stay out of the way. Next I have to say goodbye, dropping him off at the airport, a ship, or a base farewell. After that I am suddenly all alone, the silence is loud and overwhelming and I feel a little lost.

Then I have to get busy doing something because the missing him hurts too much. Some trips it hurts much more than others but the void is always felt immediately. I often take a fun detour on the way home to distract myself or make plans with a friend in those first few days. One of the hardest parts of those first few days is that this is when I miss him most but it's also when he will be busiest, most distracted or even totally out of contact for a while. So the missing him stings even more when you don't know when you'll hear from him or only get a quick "check in" call and have no conversations for a while. Around this time the calls always seemed to be few and far between, rushed, or non-existent. At first it made me sad that he didn't seem to miss me much when I was missing him so much. He sounded busy, too tired and distracted and being a girl I tended to take it personally. 

Then I started noticing a pattern. I missed him the very most right when he left. That was when I had to push myself to not let my emotions get the best of me. I intentionally would get busy on projects and other activities and within two or three days I was having fun, getting things done and the days started to pass more quickly and more happily. Soon I was rushing to get everything done I wanted to before he got home. Sometimes that included visits with family, sometimes it was DIY projects, or reorganizing the entire house.

Sometime around the third week of him being gone I would suddenly start getting lots of calls from him. He would want to talk a lot more. He started using more "I really miss you!" vocabulary. He was really interested in me and often sounded homesick talking about missing meals I cooked, or just wishing he could do some everyday activities with us. This would continue right up until he got home. At the same time I would be totally distracted with my projects and not feeling that deep "missing you" feeling much, even though I did really miss him. I would wish it had been like that in the beginning when I really needed him. But instead I knew how to be there for him, after all he was the the one away from home.

Once I saw this pattern played out a few times, it was easy to skip having hurt feelings at the beginning when it seemed like he didn't miss me or care about me.  Instead I just remembered he was knee deep in traveling, jetlagged, getting adjusted to completely new environments and often swamped with paperwork, assignments and projects.

Now I recognize that time for what it is and look forward to that first call or email when I can tell he is really missing me and our little family. On deployment it happened the day they ended training just before they flew out to the war zone. Boy did I get some amazing messages and calls from him in that 24-hr. period. Of course I'd been crying, missing him like crazy for the three weeks while he was in 118 degree temperatures, just trying to survive training in the blazing hot, humid south in July. That day they flew out it was like he had to say everything in his heart before he left the country just in case. I still cherish those sweet words. I added them onto the side of a picture of him and posted it on my Love Board so that I would never forget them. I try to read them often.

His big "I miss you" moments don't always happen right when mine do, or when I think I most want them to happen. But they are always fantastic when they do come. So instead of being irritated about "why" they haven't happened on my own timeline or "if" they will happen, I just look forward to that moment when they will happen. They will happen and I have to be grateful for them and cherish them and enjoy the surprise of never knowing just when and how they will happen. And I have to remember that just because it doesn't seem like he's missing me as badly as I'm missing him at the beginning, there's a reason and he will miss me soon enough.

Learning To Heed Immediate Warnings

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We are learning how to deal with reintegration stress and post combat stress. This past weekend we had an experience that gave me confidence that we are doing okay. We had gone out on a family outing, walking along a row of piers stopping at lovely shops and restaurants, viewing ships and having a lovely time.

At one point in our afternoon we turned a corner and were suddenly in a VERY crowded area, body-to-body crowds. Immediately, my husband said, "I can't do this." In my rush to get everyone to the bathroom I had forgotten who I was dealing with, a recently returned combat veteran. Crowd...not good! So we quickly went to the bathroom and he waited for us in a back walkway where the crowds were not so bad. Then I remembered that we could cross the building and be on a lovely oceanfront walkway on the back side, rather than walking all the way through the shopping center to get to that walkway.

I sprang into action, getting us out of there as quickly as possible. My husband stayed calm, I think he knew I was all over it making sure to get us out STAT. Seconds later we were out of the building and the crowds. Later, back on the street again the crowds continued to grow in the direction we were going. We decided that instead of completing our planned journey we would cut it short and find a shortcut back to our original destination where we could catch the train back to where we were staying.

Even though we cut our day short, it made total sense to get out of there. There was no reason to cause any extra stress on him, which would surely have transferred to us. I told him later I was so glad that he had immediately identified that this was a place he was not going to be able to be in and immediately let me know. That way together we acted immediately, started making team decisions and avoided a disastrous end to our day. I tried to be very sensitive to his situation and keep things as simple as possible. I gave him options for our return route and asked which he would be most comfortable with. Then he was able to call the shots and I knew he was comfortable and that made me comfortable.

Reintegration is a journey. Working together and being sensitive to his needs makes me proud of us and I know it relieves stress on him, me and our family. I am glad we are both getting better at reading warning signs and acting. I could have just said, "Oh you've got to be kidding me. We made a plan and we are sticking with it" and totally overlooked the depth and seriousness of his stress. I am so glad I didn't do that. It's easy to forget what kind of environment he spent the past year in and be very unaware of the realities of post-combat stress. Tuning into our returning warriors needs makes their journey back happier and smoother and that blesses the entire family!

Post Deployment: Losing Stuff Left & Right

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It struck me yesterday that since my husband came home from deployment he's been a bit of a scatter brain and it's getting really expensive! Have you found this to be the case for you deployed service member? Are they all this scatter brained when they get home? By his own admission, since he came home he has done some really dumb things and it all revolves around sunglasses.

A few years ago he made a big investment in a pair of very high end sunglasses. He loved them, there were amazing. He took them on deployment for the first half then left them here at R and R to protect them. So a few days after he got home, he was helping me down in the parking garage with my car. A while later I drop away with the car loaded up for a trip, planning to meet him at the car shop where he was dropping off his car.

As I made the first turn around the corner from our house I saw something fall off the back end of the car. I recognized immediately that it was the case to his fancy glasses and saw it, the cleaning cloth and his beloved sunglasses in the road. I stopped immediately and then saw one car turning onto the street. I watched in horror as that one car, hit only one of the three things in the road -- of course it was the sunglasses. I died as I sat there praying, watching that car run over them. I wanted to die again because I did not want to be the bearer of bad news. It did not go well. I kid here but to some extent he is still experiencing PTSD on the glasses.

So days later, he could not find yet another pair of expensive sunglasses. (These only cost about 1/3 what the super fancy pair did.) Then he remembered that he had put them on the top of my car with his cover (military speak for hat). Again?! You've got to be kidding me, was one traumatic experience NOT enough to teach him a lesson?! As near as we can figure those glasses and his cover probably ended up somewhere on base as I was driving away, never to be seen again.

The next day he bought a new pair of borderline expensive sunglasses. Yesterday he started getting anxious because he has no idea where that pair is. He teases me about having blonde moments, but my brunette husband cannot be trusted to keep an eye on anything right now. I am determined to figure out where those new sunglasses are before it escalates into a full blown disaster. I keep telling him that I am sure they are around here somewhere but I have absolutely zero confidence based on recent events. Ack! I wish his scatter brained-ness would have manifested itself with things like losing pencils, or something else that costs less than a couple of dollars instead of a couple of hundred dollars (more or less.)

Don't be surprised if your returning loved one makes a string of dumb mistakes or isn't quite on their game when they get back. Give them some slack, encourage them about all the great progress they are making. Our $1000 sunglasses situation is not yet over, but I know every week my husband gets more settled here at home which couldn't make me happier. He's calmer, happier and just in the past two weeks I have really seen him overjoyed to be with us. He has mentioned it almost daily how happy he is to be home with his girls. I'll take that any day. We'll keep working with him on keeping track of his sunglasses!

Reintegration Joy: Tag Team Parenting

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Last night while I was making dinner I was thrilled to hear my husband in the other room instructing our daughter on cleaning up her room. That was one of the hardest tasks I had, and somewhat failed at while he was deployed. There never seemed enough time for me to sit there with her and get it cleaned up. It seemed like I was always making a meal, focused on homework, or some other vital task. I could send her in to clean on her own but it never was quite done to parental standards.

But tag teaming, he could be in there with her while I was cooking dinner or taking care of some other necessity. Later when I walked into her room it looked fantastic. I was thrilled. This is one big blessing of having him home. It's so nice to have someone else who can run to the store, make a phone call, send an email, pay a bill, sign a note and fix problems.

I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated him helping her to clean her room and how challenging that was when I was constantly on the run when he was deployed. It's great to have some back up. Here are a few other things I'm enjoying or will soon be looking forward to.

• Someone else to watch her like a hawk and help her cross the road, parking lot, etc. It's a little stressful trying to keep them safe and alive all the time. It's nice to have another set of hands and eyes to keep watch and walk with her.

• Someone to get to school and pick her up. I am excited about the idea of making plans in the afternoon and not having to rush back mid-afternoon for school pick up if he's available. Yay!

• Back up when she's mopey and floppy and won't step to it when asked to do something. I love getting that support that let's her know that both parents are displeased with her current choice not to act when spoken to.

•  Bedtime help. Now there are two people who can make sure teeth are brushed, tuck in has happened according to her specifications, music has been turned on, nightlight is lit, all that good stuff.

• Someone who can take over when I'm exhausted or not feeling well. What a luxury! Last year it meant keep dragging yourself through the day with no break.

• Someone else who can monitor computer and TV use and remind about book reading and summer school assignments. It's amazing how quickly she can find a way to be staring into a screen if I'm busy doing something. Now there are two sets of eyes to redirect her energies.

Those are just a few of the reasons I love having our Daddy home. I'm going to enjoy every moment of it, because over the past three years we've certainly had a lot of apart time. Remembering how nice these days together are helps keep a positive attitude when I'm waiting for him to come home and gives me something to look forward to.

I Thought I'd Be Stronger After Deployment

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You'd think that after a year-long deployment and very frequent separations I would be used to hubs going away. He's going away for only a few short days and here I am crying my eyes out. On paper this doesn't make any sense, but to a therapist it would probably make complete sense. Here's what I'm thinking is happening.

I was used to him coming and going for a few days or even a couple of months. Over the past three years we have been apart a lot. I was always a little on edge when he would leave but always did fine and in fact really made great use of my time.

Then came deployment. The great test. And we made it. We did it. We lived through it. He came back healthy and alive. And now I'm falling apart because he's leaving for a few days, worrying about worst case scenarios, having nightmares and feeling mad, sad, hurt, etc. I am afraid something bad will happen here at home and I won't be able to handle it.

Keep in mind that I took on some massive stuff while he was gone and conquered. Besides those things I was sick for most of December and January, was in a serious accident with long-term recovery (no fault of my own) and I'm pretty sure I was depressed for the first few months. But I still made it and I know I'm stronger for all that.

So the fact that I feel so weak and vulnerable when my husband is going away for less than a week, could rush home at any moment if something did happen, and is reachable by phone, email, or text 24-hours a day is a little bit baffling.

Maybe I'm thinking this might be the time I can't handle our separation. Maybe something will happen that finally breaks me. Maybe something will be required of me that I can't handle. But seriously the chances of anything going seriously wrong are infinitesimally small. Why am I worrying???? Maybe a little bit of post-deployment stress on my part? Very likely. Because this just isn't something that normally would or really should throw me for a loop. Clearly separation is a trigger for me right now.

We've already been apart quite a bit since he came home and that is definitely wearing on me. Not to mention all the returning home tasks and challenges that have been taken on that have created a home life where nothing feels normal or settled right now. I still don't feel like we've had a "normal" day since he came home. Maybe normal doesn't exists anymore and maybe that's what I'm craving desperately. Some sense of our old, normal life...not that I really know exactly what that even means or would recognize it anymore.

Once we get into the car and head to airport drop-off I know I will go into "mission" mode, I'll have tasks to complete and things to do. I'll have some free time to do things I want to do. I will probably go wander some of my favorite shops, do some sort of creative project, talk to my girlfriends, and of course have a lot of fun with our little one. Oh and let's not forget I'm going to need some rest since I have not been sleeping and when I have been asleep I've been having bad dreams. The days will fly by and I will be fine.

But it doesn't feel like it today. I thought I would be over feeling vulnerable after surviving a husband in a war zone for a year. This is very likely just an extension of that same vulnerability but it surprises me. The emotional wear and tear of deployment doesn't evaporate just because your spouse came home. It's likely I'll be feeling the effects for some years to come. That is something to remember and be okay with. Just go with the flow with thoughtful carefulness.

Have any of you readers experienced anything like this? How did it manifest itself and how did you handle it?

Reintegration: Lessons I'm Learning

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Often when we are going about our day I think, this is a Reintegration issue, I should blog about this. Based on what I've read and seen in person, I strongly believe everyone going through Reintegration goes through some very similar experiences. I will say that I think my husband and are family are handling things pretty well, and I've been very proud of us. But I do feel strongly that no one is sailing through Reintegration.

I thought I would share one challenge that keeps coming up over and over again. This might sound strange but for some reason ordering from a menu in a noisy restaurant just becomes too overwhelming for my husband lately. All the pages and pages of choices, someone standing over or in front of him asking him for a decision, lots of people around and loud background music have turned out to be a real problem, again and again. I am sure just having difficulty with something as simple as ordering food has to be very frustrating for him.

I am learning in several key facets that keeping things very peaceful, quiet and simple are vital to keeping him feeling calm. We have had a few times where he just had to leave the restaurant completely or didn't order anything while the rest of us ate. We have been away from home a good bit this summer, so cooking meals for him and staying home have not been an option unfortunately. I am trying to learn how to keep this situation as simple as possible going forward. Maybe talking to him about what he wants for dinner before hand or if I just quickly pick something for myself then can talk to him and help him decide - maybe those things might help.

If there's one lesson I've learned again and again it's that if I get agitated when he's agitated it is not good. So I really am trying harder and harder to stay very calm, speak very mildly and not talk too much.

How about you? Did you experience challenges when going out to eat? How did you handle it?

5 Ways To Make Family Skype Calls More Fun

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Skype calls when the picture is actually clear and you can hear on both ends can be quite fun. This is not an easy feat, many families have an incredibly hard time with poor connections. But when things click, it's awesome. Day after day conversations can get a little boring. Here are some ideas to keep conversations fresh and fun.

1) Show up in masks or costumes. A good surprise and laughs are guaranteed when you show up looking not like your regular selves. Could be fun to work together with kids to figure out costumes or make and decorate masks out of paper plates or cardstock.

2) Keep a list of fun, strange and silly things that have happen to family members each week to share. Silly stories from home are great fun for someone who misses home like crazy. Let kids tell their silly stories.

3) Gather a few pieces of the children's schoolwork to share. It's fun for parents to see what's happening at school and keep up with all the new things the kiddos are learning.

4) Sing favorite songs. Music has special powers to inspire and cheer people up. A few fun family favorite will definitely put a smile on your loved one.

5) Tell jokes. We bought two kids joke books so our little girl could share a few jokes with Dad every call. It was great to see Daddy try to get the punch line on some of the riddles and jokes and then burst out laughing. You can never smile or laugh enough in a war zone. Jokes are a welcome reprieve from a lot of seriousness.

Those are my five ways to spice up Skype calls. How about you? Do you have any special things you do to make Skype calls more fun?

A Great Deployment Goodbye Gift

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I thought I would share with you a little craft project I came up with to send to my husband at the beginning of his deployment. I took two of these self-laminating name tag holders and then chose four photos to put inside. You can buy the badge holders at any office supply store in a box of about 10 for less than $10. I thought these would be the perfect size for him to keep in his uniform pocket with him all the time. I always imagined that during hard times, if something bad happened or he got injured that he would feel we were there with him and he could pull out the photos any time and feel us with him. He carried them in his shoulder pocket for the entire year and still keeps them in his uniform pocket even though he's home.

You can really personalize this project by the photos you choose. I wanted to chose the four most important things I thought would make him feel safe and loved. I chose a photo of our little girl, a photo of him with me that our little girl took, a photo of our church and a picture of Jesus Christ. You could easily use a photo of your home, his truck, his dog, extended family, maybe even a photo of your bed to remind him of where his bread's buttered,  if you want to get a little sultry. There are all sorts of options.

I took the measurements of the badges and then I just pulled my four photos into a new Word document and sized them to fit the badges. Then I printed them out all on one sheet of paper, cut them to size and put two, back to back, into each badge holder and sealed them up.

I discarded the snap-on clips and instead took a piece of red, white and blue grossgrain ribbon and tied the two badges together with a bow on top. I put our family photos on the outside. It turned out so simple but cute with the patriotic ribbon holding it together. I know by how he treasures those photos how much that little project meant to him. I was really impressed to see how well they held up too. They show a little age but the plastic lamination is still in fantastic shape.

If you try this I would love to hear what photos you use or if you did something similar tell me how you did it. I love to learn from you!