Alcohol: A Fast Way To Wreck Your Life

I want to encourage you to take alcohol out of your life. I know for some this is the equivalent of me saying something like get rid of your cell phone or your car. For many alcohol is a part of every day life and every social event. It is completely socially acceptable....but it is a socially acceptable addictive drug. One that dulls the mind, reduces one's ability to think clearly and make rational decisions.

It brings on feelings of sadness, depression, anger and rage. And yet for some reason it is totally legal although it has had more influence for destruction in the lives of families than any other addictive substance in history. If you want a clear picture of this, talk to any child of an alcoholic. I know several and the life-long effects of their parents use of alcohol is never ending and highly destructive.

If you think I overstate my case, begin looking at articles about service members with PTS who have committed serious crimes and are now in prison. Almost every story involves heavy drinking and moments of absolutely disastrous judgment. Look at incidences of domestic violence within and without the military. Many if not most are alcohol driven.

Sadly, once the "calming, good time effect" of the alcohol has worn off, the reality of decisions made under the influence are impossible to avoid. Here is a story that illustrates just that, how one service member with PTS, after a long night of drinking, lost control, almost lost his life, almost took the lives of several other people and in the end lost his marriage too -- and then went to prison for eight years -- all for one stupid night of "fun."

I think the unfortunate thing is that this story only focuses on PTS as if that is what caused this service member to go off the rails. The PTS may have lead him to drink more but I am convinced it was the alcohol that lead him to the disastrous actions that ruined his life that dark night.

It is a proven fact that alcohol brings on feelings of desperation, sadness, fear and rage. All demonstrated in his actions that night. Anyone who has ever been to a college party or a bar can attest to all of these realities.

Alcohol is not all fun and games. It's not a great way to destress, unwind or spend time with friends. If you do drink socially often, think about how many times you've seen friends or couples break down into ridiculous arguments or fights after drinking for a while. How often do fights have to be broken up or contention arises that would not happen were alcohol not involved.

I see to damaging effects of alcohol too often in my military social network feeds. Too many break ups, too many fights, too many hangovers and far too many people bragging about how much "fun" they are having getting really plastered. And then they wonder why their lives are so unstable, their relationships broken and emotions so dark and hopeless.

Drinking is bad for your body and your safety (do I even need to bring up DUIs or the possibility of killing someone else while driving under the influence?)

Alcohol is damaging to relationships, to marriages, to children. When you're drunk, your kids are not drunk and they see and remember everything you may not the next morning. They are embarrassed and worried even when they see you start getting loud and silly when you have a slight buzz going. They are scared of you when they see you are not acting like your normal responsible self. It's terrifying to them and they learn not to trust you.

If you are a military spouse or service member or anyone who drinks, consider how you are using alcohol in your life. If you know someone with PTS be very alert to how they are using alcohol and if you have the chance, encourage them to avoid it at all costs. It is also important to be aware they may be mixing medication for PTS treatment with alcohol which is even more dangerous.

Reconsider how you use this powerful, addictive drug in your life. You can live without it and letting go of it has zero harmful effects. You will feel and be more healthy, see your life more clearly, make better long lasting decisions and genuinely have more happiness in your life.

A Great Experience at NMFA Operation Purple Camp

Earlier this summer we had the chance to attend the National Military Family Association Operation Purple Camp. What an amazing experience. I would recommend if you're eligible to get your applications in now for upcoming Operation Purple Family Retreats and Operation Purple Healing Adventures. There is also Operation Purple Camp just for military kids.

The setting was Jackson Hole, Wyoming and Grand Teton National Park. What an amazing place to spend every day for a week. The landscapes were just unbelievably breathtaking. The Teton Science Camp, where the camp took place, was lovely. The program was super well organized and the staff at all levels was top notch professional, friendly and kind. The lodging facilities were great too. Comfortable beds, nice rooms with ensuite bathrooms.

Even more amazing is that the food at the camp was fantastic. You don't generally expect that any place that is feeding masses of people, particularly at a mountain camp. Everyone was full and happy after every meal and every meal pleased the crowds.

We saw all kinds of amazing animals including bison, moose, caribou, deer, antelope, bald eagles, beavers, sandhill cranes and so many more. We hiked, canoed, river rafted, watercolor painted in nature and did a service project in the national park too.

The best part of the camp was that we were grouped with two other families who had kids the same age as ours. This worked out so fantastically. The kids had an amazing fun time from the moment they met up in the morning until they were shipped off to bed every night. In fact they had so much fun that it was pretty tough to get them up at the 6:30 a.m. wake up call every morning. They needed more sleep.

Our three families were so compatible and we ended up making friendships that are so precious to us now. Because we don't live near any military families, thanks to Operation Purple Family Retreat we have close military family friends now. I really appreciate that! Amazing. Did not expect that to happen but what a gift.

It's was wonderful to have had time to talk and share and learn from each other's experiences. We also had the opportunity to participate in workshops put on by FOCUS (Families Overcoming Under Stress), which focused on resiliency, self and family care in the military family environment. It was great to get couples and families together to talk about such important issues that are a challenge to the military community at large.

Can I just take a moment to say if you are a military family who is struggling, there is so much help out there. Don't suffer in silence. You can contact me if you want and I will help you get connected with the right people. But please don't suffer in silence when things could be so much better.

It was tough to say goodbye and boy do we miss our friends! But I think we'll remember for a lifetime the great experiences we had at Operation Purple Family Retreat in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Thanks National Military Family Association and everyone who has contributed to the success of this program.

If you're able, may I suggest a donation, big or small, to this great organization that is doing so much to strengthen the military families of the United States. These families have sacrificed a lot for our nation.

Don't Be Afraid Of Therapy

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I've had the chance to meet and talk with a lot of therapists and counselors this past year both within and outside of the military community. It's been a great introduction to the world of counseling and all the good it can do. This image above might be your vision of therapy. It may sound a little scary, daunting, intrusive or embarrassing. But after meeting so many very competent therapists and counselors inside and outside the military community I am here to say do not hesitate to seek out help if you feel that life has become overwhelmingly stressful or you haven't felt like yourself in a long time.

Here's a great article that I very much agree with about what therapy is and isn't called Ten Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy by Megan Hale. This article is full of just the compassion, understanding and encouragement I have seen in conversations with therapists, social workers and chaplains I have enjoyed getting to know over the past year.

This has been my experience as I have entered into therapy sessions for myself in the past few months. I am a pretty strong person and have always had a pretty great attitude about life. But after a string of very challenging events for our family I was worn down and had lost my ability to be my normal sunny, happy, calm self. I found myself shorter tempered, exhausted and frustrated more often than I needed to be and I felt like I was on permanent "crisis mode" after needing to operate in crisis mode for such an extended period of time. Throw in the sleeplessness and stress of my husband's year-long military deployment and boom, I was one tired, worn out woman.

So after deliberating for a while, I decided to meet with a therapist that was recommended to me by someone I met in the FOCUS program. I am glad I did because it's been great for me, but I also am glad I did it because now I can share that encouragement with others. Do it. If you feel it will help, do it. You will feel a HUGE load lifted off your shoulders in an environment where you can say what you feel honestly without worry or shame. Don't wait until things get so bad that your situation becomes a crisis you can no longer manage.

I have seen that there are great things that can happen in counseling for military kids, service members, spouses and as families and couples too. It's great to have an outside party who can point out areas where you should probably give yourself, your spouse, your life or your family a break, things that might be creating more frustration than ease, ways of thinking that may be blocking your success and to help you see the sunny side of life again.

Some of the major issues we've talked about in therapy have to do with how I constructed my mindset in my childhood and things that happened in my life then. Amazing how it flows over into so much of how I do things as as adult. I've caught myself creating beliefs that aren't exactly true or in some cases are totally false. For instance last week I mentioned a situation that I had failed at. When we looked at it, I hadn't failed the situation at all. I had done all I could do. The situation has just not worked out in my favor initially. So I had to backtrack and realize I had not failed but the situation had been a difficult one. Major difference in perspective and how it affects one's sense of self worth and ability to succeed!

I've also learned how often we misuse the words "always" and "never." As in "Things never work out" or "This always happens to me" or "I always am disappointed." Every once in a while I hear myself speak one of these words. There are no absolutes in our life experience. There are good and bad days, things sometimes work out and sometimes they don't. When things are difficult it's easy to feel like only bad things happen or when we have trouble in relationships it's easy to say the other person "always" treats us in a way we don't like. When we think things are always one way or the other we create a situation that isn't real and then we operate as if it were. A recipe for trouble.

Therapy is an opportunity to see ourselves and our lives more clearly. It's a great opportunity to refocus our thoughts and actions for more happiness and greater success in life. It can help kids to adults develop strong souls and learn life-changing skills, it can improve marriages and bring peace. It's a good thing. Be sure to find someone you feel comfortable with and have good chemistry with. Get recommendations. Go through reputable resources. You should always feel it's working for you and if it's not, find someone else who you do feel chemistry with.

But don't wait. It the thought comes to your mind repeatedly go do it. I found myself wanting to go to therapy for a good year before I really did it. I should've gone so much sooner. Why did I need to suffer for another year when I could've lightened my load with less stress so much earlier.  I also found that things would be fine during the week when we were busy and when the weekend hit we'd end up in crisis and I would have nowhere to turn, promise myself I'd call for an appointment on Monday morning and then the week would start, we'd get busy and I'd let the idea go until the next overwhelming moment occurred. Dumb decisions. But I'm glad I finally did it. It's amazing how a few little tweaks to my outlook each week have improved my life. I've learned a lot and appreciate my time to refresh my little soul and focus on my own self-care.

Have you taken advantage of counseling opportunities from the military or other sources. What did you learn and how did it improve things for you?

Stress Trigger: Something As Everyday As Sport Cream

I hope sharing this story will help all you spouses, families and significant others increase even more your compassion for the post-war life of our service members. There are stress triggers everywhere and we don't even know it. But I believe knowing this, that there are unexpected triggers all around, will help us have even more patience and understanding for our service members.

Earlier this week I wrote about learning to recognize stress triggers. Today I want to share how I learned that there are so many triggers I would never have imagined all around us in our everyday life. A couple of days ago my husband shared with me that he and several other military guys were in a room where someone had slathered on a well-known brand of sports rub. He named the brand. Then he said it was setting off anxiety triggers for all the military guys because that brand of sports rub smells exactly like dead bodies. Wow. That blew  my mind.

I can't imagine how stressful that would be to be in an environment where you can't get away from that smell and the emotional attachments, very stressful ones, that that specific smell would trigger. It's tough to get the scent of sports rub out of your nose and I would imagine the smell of dead bodies is very much the same.

It's easy as a family member to just want things to hurry up and get back to normal and focus on home life reintegration. It's easy to overlook in our anxiousness sometimes that there is a lot more going on that we might imagine. It's good to have a lot of patience with our service members when they are faced with potential post-deployment stress landmines that could surface at any moment as they are just walking around in their everyday lives. In our homes and families, it is important that we  have understanding for this post -war reality for our service members. The scent of war is just as stressful as the visual memories they carry for the rest of their lives.

We may never know what will trigger a stress response in them, but if we can learn to recognize the signs of their stress we can immediately take action to help alleviate the situation and be supportive to them. I think when they realize that we understand and are there to help it makes getting through these situations a lot easier for them.

If any service members are reading this, I would love to get your feedback on how we loved ones can help and even share with us some of the weird triggers you have come across that might be helpful for other service member's families to hear about.

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Learn To Recognize His Stress Triggers

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I wrote this post last fall and somehow never published it. It's a good one that I hope other people will be able to connect with and will help someone out there with the stress of reintegration. Reading this again this week was a great reminder to me too. I still need to be mindful about stress triggers. To set the stage, we went on our first little, "long weekend" vacation since he had come home from deployment. This event I am writing about happened early the morning of our last day of our trip. 

From September 2013: Yesterday I was talking with our reintegration family counselors after our daughter had an appointment. I shared with them our experience on Sunday with the crowds. They mentioned the words "stress triggers" and how great it is that I am learning to recognize them. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'd totally blown it Monday morning.

My husband woke up in the middle of the night stressing out about all the things waiting for us at home. I was looking forward to just having a peaceful day before we headed home late that evening so we could miss holiday traffic. He could not sleep and kept me awake talking about every stressful thing he could think of, including the traffic and how horrible he was sure it would be.

Instead of recognizing that the traffic was triggering his stress and doing what I could to help him, I got mad. Here he was ruining the last day of our trip, yada, yada, yada. In a not very nice voice I told him we were leaving because he was determined to ruin the day and the trip so there was no point in staying another minute. I got up, started gathering up my things, then our little one's things and by the time I got to the car, I wasn't even speaking to him.

While talking with the counselors, they helped me realize that just like that call of "I can't do this" that I responded to so quickly and calmly, I could've done the same thing Monday morning. I didn't connect post-deployment anxiety with his concerns about driving home.

He was the driver for his group for the year he was in Afghanistan, so yes, perhaps he may have a little post-deployment stress about driving in crowds. Duh. I didn't even put that together until days later. I realize now that he felt responsible to get us home safely, that he was worried he'd be too tired to drive us home at night, and again that crowds and stressful situations like traffic jams are a problem.

I started thinking back to some of our more heated moments since he came back and I think I can just about attribute them all to situations where his triggers have been triggered and sometimes I made it much worse by choosing to get belligerent rather than focusing on eliminating the situation that was creating his anxiety. My conversation with the therapists was a real eye opener.

Missing My Before Husband, Finding A New Normal

Last night for some reason I was just missing my husband so much that when he fell asleep on the couch I sat on the floor next to him, held his hand and laid my head on his chest....and cried. When he woke up this morning the first thing he said was "Who moved the coffee table so far from the couch last night?" He had no idea I was there. But that's okay. It was a moment I needed to have that he didn't necessarily need to have.

This morning, missing him again and still feeling a little teary, a line I have read many times from other military spouses came to my mind. "The man you send on deployment is not the same man who will come home to you." You know what comes next, right? You've heard it a million times. "You have changed too and things will never be the same as they were before. You have to find a NEW NORMAL."

New Normal....those two words...I'm gettin' tired of them. I'm tired of New Normal. I want Old Normal, even for just a few minutes. I have to say that after all the reading and preparing I did for pre-deployment, deployment and reintegration the things the experts said again and again have pretty much all been right on the money. The only thing I have read repeatedly that has not happened at our house is that my husband has not become hyper vigilant. He does not check the doors regularly or stand guard in our home. This is very likely because of the fact that this was not part of his work while deployed even though I am sure he was expected to be on guard constantly. But he was not in an assignment that required him to be a part of base security.

But of all the stuff I read, it's pretty much all come into play at one point or another. Today it was the reality that my old guy is gone. I'm married to a different guy now. That's a weird reality. Maybe it comes more into focus on a week like Valentine's Day when I think about how simple and happy our relationship was in the beginning. That changes too over time. Getting married means bills, shared responsibilities and a huge ability to affect other people by even your smallest actions. Maybe that's a good way to look at it. Everything changes so don't hold onto anything in the past too hard. Our kiddo is changing all the time too. I wake up and she looks taller and older than she did the night before. It's weird but true. People say it all the time, that she looks taller and older all of a sudden. That's pretty crazy really, but again it's true.

Maybe my hope and prayer for this Valentine's Day is to fall in love with this new guy I am married to in a new way. Maybe I can think about how I've changed and try to help him find the new me as well. Perhaps that can be our gifts this year. To find our New Normal or at least start finding it. I'm sure it doesn't happen all at once.

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Reintegration: A Life Change, Not A Timeframe

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This week I read a question from another military spouse. It was "I'm worried about reintegration. How long do I give him to readjust?" I smiled. A few months into reintegration, it's a question that will make a military spouse smile. It helped me to solidify in my mind what reintegration is not.

1) Reintegration is not a time frame. There is no magic time frame where everything will be settled and "normal." It's different for every service member and their family. You cannot say "In 90 days we stop reintegrating and it will be over" or "I'm giving my spouse two months to get reintegrated." There is not going to be one day where you will say, "We are reintegrated!" It's dangerous think about how long you will expect it to take or how long you are willing to give your partner to "get" reintegrated. You can't know what's to come or how everyone will handle it.

2) Reintegration is not a singular process. There is no step-by-step path to reintegration. Every family will experience some wildly different paths in their reintegration experience. Some will experience physical health crises, others financial crises, some mental health crises. Life does not stop moving while we reintegrate. There is no simple directional map. We each struggle to find our own way.

3) Reintegration is not a short-term experience, it's a life change. There is no point in reintegration where everything goes back to the way it used to be. Everything gets redefined. Everyone has changed, life is different. The way a marriage and family face things has to change to accommodate those changes. 

4) Reintegration is not a time of rest and recovery. I think it's easy to imagine that somehow life is going to slow down so we can catch our breath after a deployment ends. If anything it becomes more stressful as we all try to fit into new routines & get settled into the world we used to live in. Our reintegration period has been rocked by sequestration, changes in unit leadership and the government shutdown. That has not made it easier by any stretch of the imagination. Add financial concerns, serious health problems, legal issues and my husband being gone a lot and you can imagine it hasn't been a period of celebratory downtime.

5) Reintegration is not always in our control. While we can prepare ourselves and have a positive attitude we cannot control our service member or our family members and how they deal with reintegration. That can be exhausting and discouraging. Just because we believe therapy would help our service member does not mean they will be willing. Just because we'd like our homes to be tidy with no military garb cluttering entry ways or the middle of our living room does not make it so. We cannot make our children behave themselves when they need to act our their own stresses about deployment and reintegration. Acceptance, patience and persistence are vital.

6) Reintegration is not the time to put ourselves second. While we focus on the health and well-being of our service member and families, we cannot help them if we haven't taken care of ourselves. Having down time, appropriate rest, time for self, a calm environment to retreat to and the right people to talk to is invaluable to a military spouse going through reintegration. It's easy to think it's about our spouse and not about us, but everything they do affects us and how we manage all that has long term effects on our health, well-being and the survival rate of our relationships. We take all our own personal baggage into reintegration too and there are often painful realizations, changes we need to make in ourselves and healing we must do as we continue to learn and grow. It's important to take care of self so we can sustain ourselves and then others.

7) Reintegration is not the time to be together constantly. It's good to have some time apart during reintegration. I'm not saying leave for a week, I'm just saying don't spend every minute of every day together. You are accustomed to being apart, don't overload your systems and shut off your connection with the life you grew and the individuality you developed while apart. Help yourselves keep things in perspective by spending time with friends, alone or with extended family. It's amazing how a few hours away can help one see the good and minimize fears. I'm always surprised how just being away from home for even a couple of hours recharges my batteries and makes me excited to come back.

8) Reintegration is not the time to be rigid about expectations. It's easy to get defensive and start trying to make everything a fight or complaint. Pick your battles and let a lot of stuff go. It's not worth the fight much of the time. You can't bring up every little annoyance and bother. Focus on the important stuff and don't get caught up in petty arguments. Go with the flow of the changing life process rather than fighting it. But of course, make sure you're life individually and together is headed in a direction you are comfortable going in overall.

9) Reintegration is not a cheerless time. There is lots to be happy about during reintegration. You have so much to be thankful for -- your loved one came home! You are making new memories, laughing together, having time together. Do what you can to bring happiness into every day. Go on new adventures, talk about your dreams for the future, play and have fun. Be sure to see the good in every day. Be grateful when you hear your husband and kids giggling in the next room, when he walks up behind you in the kitchen and tickles you, when you have great moments of intimacy together.

10) Reintegration is not without help and support. There is a lot of reintegration support available for individuals, couples and families. Look for it! Check out the FOCUS program in your area, contact your local Vet Center, MilitaryOneSource.com, or military family services center on base. There are lots of people willing to help you through reintegration. There are a lot of people who've been in your shoes and understand.

Another great support group is available online. Check out military spouse blogs, big ones and small ones. Connect with other military spouses online or in your area. There is a lot of support out there. Don't you dare suffer in silence or watch your happiness slip through your fingers without reaching out for some help.

Reintegration is always going to be a bit hard. Life is hard. But along with challenges there is a lot of joy to be had in reintegration and life in general. Don't miss all that good stuff by getting too bogged down with the challenges. We learn and grow through both the challenges and the joys. Don't miss the good stuff. Make your goal your life and don't get too caught up in what reintegration "should" to look like, how long it "should" last or how it went for anyone else. You just can't compare life experiences, challenges or blessings.

The best thing you can do to thrive through reintegration is to promise yourself you will take care of yourself and then do your best by your service member and family. Patience, love and kindness go a long way and experiences like reintegration are the perfect petri dish for growing more of all of those good things. Just like pre-deployment and deployment you will see yourself come through reintegration a wiser, stronger, braver person. Let it be the growing time that it is.

Thanks For Coming Home In One Piece

DoD photo by Staff Sgt. Michael L. Casteel, U.S. Army

It's been a challenging few weeks to say the least.. I never quite realized what a let down it would be for a deployed service member to dream about coming home to their families for a year and then to come home and realize life is full of mundane pains in the ass like bills, broken down cars, driving kids around town in traffic, leaking pipes, buying groceries, paying for insurance, dealing with financial institutions,  going to the doctor and so many other things that can suck the joy right out of adult life. It is definitely a let down. I don't blame them for feeling this way but it can be hard on a family.

In other news, wanted to share an experience we had the other day. We were cleaning up the dining room and he picked up a box I didn't recognize. It was about the half the width of a deck of cards and maybe twice as thick. He mumbled something about it, I looked up, didn't recognize it and continued on. Moments later I realized it was a piece of military gear.

"What was that," I asked. He said the name of it again and I didn't quite hear it or maybe just didn't understand his "military-ese." "It's a strobe locator. It flashes up to 20-25 miles away. I it got so that if we went down in the mountains..." He didn't finish his sentence. "Hey," I said, as tears started welling up in my eyes. "Hey, look at me," I said. He had his head down then looked up. "Thank you for coming home," I said. He nodded and turned away to finish up the task he was on.

That was all that needed to be said. It was yet another painful reminder of where he was a year ago, the constant danger he lived in and the constant fear for his safety that I lived with. It was good to be reminded to be grateful he is here, despite the challenges of reintegration. Those problems seemed to minimize when I was reminded of where he was and all we have to be grateful for.

Making Memories On Our Own

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I have been thinking a lot recently about how many memories our little one and I have made without hubs being around. We'll never be able to get him caught up on all the inside jokes, weird things that have happened to us, places we seen, people we've met or things we've shared together. She and I have a bond that exists on a whole different plane than our relationship with her dad.

We didn't choose this, we didn't try to create our own little world, but we had to out of necessity. It makes me a little sad and I often feel caught between both worlds. Home is a different place when it's just the two of us. It's much less complicated, more tidy, everything just happens more easily and quickly.

Suddenly when Daddy is home everything changes, the way we do things, the pace of our day, how our mornings flow, what we eat for meals, how we spend our down time and how much of it we have. Things are more peaceful without the testosterone element I realize. Some days I crave that energy and some days I want it to quiet down a little bit. It's frustrating to me to feel torn between these two existences and yet  I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not sure how to navigate it all. I guess I thought once he'd done a one-year-deployment that having him gone for a week or two would be nothing. If anything it's gotten harder in some ways and then it's almost too easy for us to get back on "deployment auto-pilot" but then it all stops as soon as he gets back and we're thrown a bit by that.

I think the divide is getting wider and I'm not sure who's fostering it and who's trying to pull people back together. Maybe this is just another bump in the reintegration process. We are definitely having to redefine what our normal is. I find we like it even less when he's gone, but we all have a little bit of a sense of relief to be apart and catch our breath. This is all very weird. Do people outside the military have anything like this in their lives.

I guess I need to reckon again with the fact that he's always going to be gone a lot. I don't think I ever felt like he'd come back from deployment and suddenly be around all the time, but it does seem like I've gotten a little bit tired of it. Oh the joys of finding our way through life and continually having to redefine what everything means to us and how it will work for us. 

Somehow I guess I will find a way to peacefully exist in these two worlds. Do any of you other military wives understand what I'm talking about? Have you felt the same? Do you have any great advice for me? I've love to hear it if you do. I am continually surprised that even though he's home there's still lots to learn and work through.

A Reintegration Update: It Gets Easier

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My husband has been home for about four months now. I thought it was a good time to give you an encouraging update about the reintegration process. First let me say, it has been blissful and glorious and there have been a few very dark days. There were a few days sprinkled in where I was not sure our family would survive post-combat stress and other challenges. But we held it together and I came to realize that those scary moments would pass with a little space, or a good night's rest or a decent meal.

One thing I learned was to NOT exacerbate the stress situations for my husband. That meant don't do anything that added gasoline to the already burning fire. When he was upset, feeling frustrated and hopeless about his/our future the best thing I can do is let him know I love him and believe in him and our future and then leave the area and give him some space. If that isn't an option, I really have to wrangle all of my strength to not let myself get drawn into a fight and make things worse by saying things that only worsen the situation. As I went along I learned simple things I could say or do to help calm the situation down.

I also learned that there were a lot of things I could to to help my husband avoid getting to that stressed out point. These include helping make sure he eats regularly so his blood sugar doesn't get too low, getting as much sleep as possible, giving him massages to help relax muscles and making sure he gets time to work out. It also helps to make plans with friends and spend time together as a family. Sometimes it is better not to make plans and just give him some downtime and learning the difference in what he needs has been very important.

One of the harder but most beneficial things we have done as part of the reintegration process was attending the Returning Warrior Workshop. That brought up a lot of stress for my husband but I think he also realized that everyone else felt the same stresses as he did, just maybe in slightly different ways. But he found a community of people who could relate to what it feels like to return from a very abnormal situation (war) and try to reintegrate into the family and home environment. I think it was a great help for most of the attendees.

We have had some amazingly charming days as a family and together as a couple. Our reunion has been sweet. We have participated in the FOCUS program, designed to help families in reintegration build resiliency and learn to adjust to their new normal together. It has been wonderful. We have learned a lot as a family and about our individual roles in the family and how we can each bless our family. The people we have worked with have been amazingly gracious and insightful in addressing our family's unique and individual needs.

Reintegration is survivable and you can even come out of it thriving. There is a lot of help available and if you think it will help, by all means get involved in every program you can to help you through. That is my recommendation. I've have learned a lot about myself and how I think and how my upbringing has affected, for good or bad, the way I handle stress and deal with problems. That has helped me see how I can be better and do better. We've gone through that same process as a family, seeing what has worked, what doesn't work and how we can more effectively work together to have a happy, peaceful, successful family.

Don't survive all of deployment only to lose everything in reintegration. Help is available, professionally and within the ranks of all the others who have survived it. Don't suffer in silence. Reach out and see your bright, beautiful future. Four months into reintegration I am happy to see we are finding our new normal and it's better than what we had when he left for deployment.

Learning To Heed Immediate Warnings

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We are learning how to deal with reintegration stress and post combat stress. This past weekend we had an experience that gave me confidence that we are doing okay. We had gone out on a family outing, walking along a row of piers stopping at lovely shops and restaurants, viewing ships and having a lovely time.

At one point in our afternoon we turned a corner and were suddenly in a VERY crowded area, body-to-body crowds. Immediately, my husband said, "I can't do this." In my rush to get everyone to the bathroom I had forgotten who I was dealing with, a recently returned combat veteran. Crowd...not good! So we quickly went to the bathroom and he waited for us in a back walkway where the crowds were not so bad. Then I remembered that we could cross the building and be on a lovely oceanfront walkway on the back side, rather than walking all the way through the shopping center to get to that walkway.

I sprang into action, getting us out of there as quickly as possible. My husband stayed calm, I think he knew I was all over it making sure to get us out STAT. Seconds later we were out of the building and the crowds. Later, back on the street again the crowds continued to grow in the direction we were going. We decided that instead of completing our planned journey we would cut it short and find a shortcut back to our original destination where we could catch the train back to where we were staying.

Even though we cut our day short, it made total sense to get out of there. There was no reason to cause any extra stress on him, which would surely have transferred to us. I told him later I was so glad that he had immediately identified that this was a place he was not going to be able to be in and immediately let me know. That way together we acted immediately, started making team decisions and avoided a disastrous end to our day. I tried to be very sensitive to his situation and keep things as simple as possible. I gave him options for our return route and asked which he would be most comfortable with. Then he was able to call the shots and I knew he was comfortable and that made me comfortable.

Reintegration is a journey. Working together and being sensitive to his needs makes me proud of us and I know it relieves stress on him, me and our family. I am glad we are both getting better at reading warning signs and acting. I could have just said, "Oh you've got to be kidding me. We made a plan and we are sticking with it" and totally overlooked the depth and seriousness of his stress. I am so glad I didn't do that. It's easy to forget what kind of environment he spent the past year in and be very unaware of the realities of post-combat stress. Tuning into our returning warriors needs makes their journey back happier and smoother and that blesses the entire family!

Reintegration: Returning Warrior Workshop

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Last weekend we attended the Returning Warrior Workshop. You can read all about it here. For a long time I thought this would be a really great experience for my husband and I was really glad to be able to be there and support him.

Once I was there, even though I was happy to be there, I had this intense dread come over me that I didn't want to talk about "our story" or even talk about deployment at all. I've been down that road, no need to revisit it. Sure the road ahead looks hopeful but I don't want to think about or talk about it more than I already have to. I just wanted to be done with it. Enough with revisiting the past year, enough thinking about war, the tears that were shed, the pains that were suffered, and the loneliness that pervaded everything. I didn't want to talk about emotions. I didn't want to talk about r-e-i-n-t-e-g-r-a-t-i-o-n. I'm growing weary of that word and all it's impacts.

My poor husband got there and had a wave of stress, discomfort and frustration come over him. He did not do that well for the workshops the first day. It was tough. By the last session of the day I was in tears and couldn't even go into the class I had chosen to attend. I wiped up my tears and walked back to our room, stopping at the hotel Starbucks to grab a snack and a vanilla bean frappaccino.

Walking into our room alone was just the respite I needed. It was a cave to hide in. I sat and watched the hotel tv promo of all the beautiful hotels they had in all the most amazing cities of the world for over an hour. The music was so peaceful and the escapist travel bug in me felt comforted. At the end of the workshops my husband joined me and we both watched the promo repeatedly. There was something amazingly soothing about it.

Falling asleep for a nap in his arms was the perfect recovery from a long day of hearing, thinking and talking about deployment and reintegration. The evening was a delight with a fantastic meal, recognition for each warriors and their guest, and great company with our new friends we'd made in our group throughout the day.

The next morning flew by quickly with a flurry of workshops and soon we were on our way back home to our regular world and the continued journey through reintegration. It was great to feel we had made so many wonderful connections with our Navy family throughout the weekend. It was a little lonely to return to our world having felt the support and kinship of so many on the same journey. I learned so much from the other warriors who were there and they helped me understand my husband better which I was grateful for.

Even though it was difficult at times, I am so glad we went. Reintegration isn't going away just because I want it to. We're still finding our new normal as everyone calls it. Sending out my sincere thanks to everyone who contributed to a great weekend for us and so many other warrior families.

Post Deployment: Losing Stuff Left & Right

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It struck me yesterday that since my husband came home from deployment he's been a bit of a scatter brain and it's getting really expensive! Have you found this to be the case for you deployed service member? Are they all this scatter brained when they get home? By his own admission, since he came home he has done some really dumb things and it all revolves around sunglasses.

A few years ago he made a big investment in a pair of very high end sunglasses. He loved them, there were amazing. He took them on deployment for the first half then left them here at R and R to protect them. So a few days after he got home, he was helping me down in the parking garage with my car. A while later I drop away with the car loaded up for a trip, planning to meet him at the car shop where he was dropping off his car.

As I made the first turn around the corner from our house I saw something fall off the back end of the car. I recognized immediately that it was the case to his fancy glasses and saw it, the cleaning cloth and his beloved sunglasses in the road. I stopped immediately and then saw one car turning onto the street. I watched in horror as that one car, hit only one of the three things in the road -- of course it was the sunglasses. I died as I sat there praying, watching that car run over them. I wanted to die again because I did not want to be the bearer of bad news. It did not go well. I kid here but to some extent he is still experiencing PTSD on the glasses.

So days later, he could not find yet another pair of expensive sunglasses. (These only cost about 1/3 what the super fancy pair did.) Then he remembered that he had put them on the top of my car with his cover (military speak for hat). Again?! You've got to be kidding me, was one traumatic experience NOT enough to teach him a lesson?! As near as we can figure those glasses and his cover probably ended up somewhere on base as I was driving away, never to be seen again.

The next day he bought a new pair of borderline expensive sunglasses. Yesterday he started getting anxious because he has no idea where that pair is. He teases me about having blonde moments, but my brunette husband cannot be trusted to keep an eye on anything right now. I am determined to figure out where those new sunglasses are before it escalates into a full blown disaster. I keep telling him that I am sure they are around here somewhere but I have absolutely zero confidence based on recent events. Ack! I wish his scatter brained-ness would have manifested itself with things like losing pencils, or something else that costs less than a couple of dollars instead of a couple of hundred dollars (more or less.)

Don't be surprised if your returning loved one makes a string of dumb mistakes or isn't quite on their game when they get back. Give them some slack, encourage them about all the great progress they are making. Our $1000 sunglasses situation is not yet over, but I know every week my husband gets more settled here at home which couldn't make me happier. He's calmer, happier and just in the past two weeks I have really seen him overjoyed to be with us. He has mentioned it almost daily how happy he is to be home with his girls. I'll take that any day. We'll keep working with him on keeping track of his sunglasses!

I Thought I'd Be Stronger After Deployment

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You'd think that after a year-long deployment and very frequent separations I would be used to hubs going away. He's going away for only a few short days and here I am crying my eyes out. On paper this doesn't make any sense, but to a therapist it would probably make complete sense. Here's what I'm thinking is happening.

I was used to him coming and going for a few days or even a couple of months. Over the past three years we have been apart a lot. I was always a little on edge when he would leave but always did fine and in fact really made great use of my time.

Then came deployment. The great test. And we made it. We did it. We lived through it. He came back healthy and alive. And now I'm falling apart because he's leaving for a few days, worrying about worst case scenarios, having nightmares and feeling mad, sad, hurt, etc. I am afraid something bad will happen here at home and I won't be able to handle it.

Keep in mind that I took on some massive stuff while he was gone and conquered. Besides those things I was sick for most of December and January, was in a serious accident with long-term recovery (no fault of my own) and I'm pretty sure I was depressed for the first few months. But I still made it and I know I'm stronger for all that.

So the fact that I feel so weak and vulnerable when my husband is going away for less than a week, could rush home at any moment if something did happen, and is reachable by phone, email, or text 24-hours a day is a little bit baffling.

Maybe I'm thinking this might be the time I can't handle our separation. Maybe something will happen that finally breaks me. Maybe something will be required of me that I can't handle. But seriously the chances of anything going seriously wrong are infinitesimally small. Why am I worrying???? Maybe a little bit of post-deployment stress on my part? Very likely. Because this just isn't something that normally would or really should throw me for a loop. Clearly separation is a trigger for me right now.

We've already been apart quite a bit since he came home and that is definitely wearing on me. Not to mention all the returning home tasks and challenges that have been taken on that have created a home life where nothing feels normal or settled right now. I still don't feel like we've had a "normal" day since he came home. Maybe normal doesn't exists anymore and maybe that's what I'm craving desperately. Some sense of our old, normal life...not that I really know exactly what that even means or would recognize it anymore.

Once we get into the car and head to airport drop-off I know I will go into "mission" mode, I'll have tasks to complete and things to do. I'll have some free time to do things I want to do. I will probably go wander some of my favorite shops, do some sort of creative project, talk to my girlfriends, and of course have a lot of fun with our little one. Oh and let's not forget I'm going to need some rest since I have not been sleeping and when I have been asleep I've been having bad dreams. The days will fly by and I will be fine.

But it doesn't feel like it today. I thought I would be over feeling vulnerable after surviving a husband in a war zone for a year. This is very likely just an extension of that same vulnerability but it surprises me. The emotional wear and tear of deployment doesn't evaporate just because your spouse came home. It's likely I'll be feeling the effects for some years to come. That is something to remember and be okay with. Just go with the flow with thoughtful carefulness.

Have any of you readers experienced anything like this? How did it manifest itself and how did you handle it?

Massage: Relieving Post-deployment Stress

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I've always loved a good massage and at some point I really started studying the art of massage and body energy. I have read books, talked a lot with massage therapists and even considered going to massage school. I have learned that you will always be very popular among friends & family if you can do a good shoulder massage. I even received a marriage proposal once for a good back rub. Haha.

Well I've found a great way to help my husband combat his post deployment stress levels and help him relax more. Massage. I have noticed that if I can give him some massage time every day things go more smoothly. If I forget a let a few days pass, he begins to get edgy. One lesson I have learned, a bit the hard way, is that no matter how on edge he is, he will almost never turn down a massage. So even when he is struggling, I can sneak in a massage and it really helps him.

It's one of those simple little solutions that help keep a marriage strong and a family happy. I am really interested in learning Reiki as well. I have had some amazing experiences with Reiki treatments and healing myself and would love to become a practitioner myself too. I am sure many spouses have found little things that have really helped keep the stress levels down at home after deployment. I'd love to hear some of them. Please leave a comment!

Stories You Can Relate To From Not Alone

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I've been learning about PTSD lately and thought I'd share with you some of the great resources I've been finding online. First I want to say thank you to all the random people I've called the past few days asking questions. I appreciated their help, even though after a few calls I just didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. It was information overload and it felt like information buckshot flying around my head.

As always, hearing the stories of other military spouses really connected with me the most. So I want to introduce you to NotAlone.Com. It's a gathering place for service members and families to talk about about life after deployment. It's amazing how even words online can be so comforting when you realize that these people understand what you are experiencing and you can connect with their stories.

Yesterday I listened to two interviews from Not Alone Family Stories. Both women shared things that I could intimately relate to like finding yourself planning out what you will do if your spouse dies from the initial two men at the door visit to the funeral. I do believe this is a coping mechanism and although it feels strange, it's a way to plot out and then put away a fear that can gnaw at you. Somehow for we women, if the worst thing in the world happens, if we have a plan, it somehow doesn't haunt us quite so much.

First I read Lily Burana's story. Although I have never been suicidal, I found her story so interesting in how a couple deals with two cases of PTSD in the same house. So much of the beginning of her story I could really relate to, her introduction and isolation from the military culture, her thoughts and feelings as her husband deployed, etc.

Then I read Chaplain's wife, Kristin Henderson's story. Because my husband and I have only done one deployment together, I thought her explanations about how each deployment is different were so interesting. I could relate to a lot of her emotions about deployment, during and after.

There are stories from mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and spouses there, definitely something for everyone. I feel like hearing these stories helped me feel calm today and have faith that we will continue to grow and progress through post deployment. While the road may get bumpy there is complete hope that we can traverse the bumps and come out even better on the other side.

Have you visited Not Alone? Do you have a favorite resource, story or section from there? Have you ever attended one of their online support groups?

Reintegration: Lessons I'm Learning

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Often when we are going about our day I think, this is a Reintegration issue, I should blog about this. Based on what I've read and seen in person, I strongly believe everyone going through Reintegration goes through some very similar experiences. I will say that I think my husband and are family are handling things pretty well, and I've been very proud of us. But I do feel strongly that no one is sailing through Reintegration.

I thought I would share one challenge that keeps coming up over and over again. This might sound strange but for some reason ordering from a menu in a noisy restaurant just becomes too overwhelming for my husband lately. All the pages and pages of choices, someone standing over or in front of him asking him for a decision, lots of people around and loud background music have turned out to be a real problem, again and again. I am sure just having difficulty with something as simple as ordering food has to be very frustrating for him.

I am learning in several key facets that keeping things very peaceful, quiet and simple are vital to keeping him feeling calm. We have had a few times where he just had to leave the restaurant completely or didn't order anything while the rest of us ate. We have been away from home a good bit this summer, so cooking meals for him and staying home have not been an option unfortunately. I am trying to learn how to keep this situation as simple as possible going forward. Maybe talking to him about what he wants for dinner before hand or if I just quickly pick something for myself then can talk to him and help him decide - maybe those things might help.

If there's one lesson I've learned again and again it's that if I get agitated when he's agitated it is not good. So I really am trying harder and harder to stay very calm, speak very mildly and not talk too much.

How about you? Did you experience challenges when going out to eat? How did you handle it?

The He's Home Everyone! Syndrome

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A lesson learned during the reintegration process. Don't have big expectations about making plans, socializing and spending time with other people once your man returns from deployment. Here's what I've learned from my man about being around other people and reintegration:

• He is super tired and does not have a lot of stamina for planned events. Never wants to go when it's time to leave and doesn't want to stay long. Plan accordingly and lower your own expectations.

• Crowds tend to make him anxious and he starts getting on edge. He's used to being on alert all the time, when you throw him into a busy environment, his spidey senses feel like they are on overdrive...and remember how tired he is. Bad combo!

• While you're excited to let people see that he's home, he may feel like he's being paraded around. I have avoided this and yet I still get that complaint even when we just go to church, etc. Situations where people will make a fuss over his return should be gently entered in to. He might be just fine once he gets there or he may not be able to handle it. Gauge the situation and be supportive.

• Give him small opportunities to get to know and bond with people who have been your big supporters while he's been gone. Introduce him, tell him why it meant a lot to you and then let him chat with them on his own.

• Anticipate that he may fall asleep in church, a movie, or anywhere you go. Again, he didn't get a decent night's sleep for the past year. Any time he feels he is in a safe and peaceful place his body will likely shut down for desperately needed rest.

• Even if he suggests or makes social plans, when it's time to execute the plans he may not want to go at all and be grumpy. Don't make any plans that you can't easily excuse yourselves from without a lot of explanation.

• Avoid loud noises. Even just hearing me doing the dishes can be a little jarring for my husband right now. Be mindful of places where there is a lot of noise that might rattle him that wouldn't even garner notice by you. Be sensitive to his rattled senses and emotions.

• Try to let him take the lead on activities he feels up to doing. When I pushed and pushed for him to go with me to an activity that was really important to me it didn't go too well. We got there late and ended up leaving early and I felt the whole night was worse than if we'd not gone at all.

• Appreciate and recognize ebbs and flows. Some days things might not bother him much at all and other days they might feel like a ton of bricks hitting him. Know that some days will be better than others and anticipate that how he feels will change from day to day.

• Be patient. Reintegration is a whirlwind. Some days are amazingly happy and other days can be terrifyingly difficult. Do whatever you can to lighten his load and to work together as you go forward. There will be time for friends and fun, just don't rush it. Be willing for forego some of your fun to stand by his side.

What have you learned from your reintegration experience about reintegrating into your social life? I'd love to hear your wisdom!

Post Deployment: Who Am I Now?

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Now that we've finished our one-year war-zone deployment, I've been thinking about who I am now. I'm not saying I have been completely defined by the fact that my husband was preparing for deployment and then deployed for the past year but it definitely was the most impactful thing happening to us in our life up to this point. It has very much defined the daily events of my life, my greatest fears, most supportive efforts and my thoughts, health and well-being every day.

Being the family of a deployed service member is it's own special planet in many ways. After living on such a high-anxiety planet for so long now I feel like I'm taking off an entire suit of armor, putting down a huge shield I've been carrying and now putting on a tee shirt and sporty skirt and being jettisoned elsewhere. It's a big change of thought process and perspective and there is a very strange period of mourning. letting go and readjustment you have to make. Part of me wants to cover my ears and never hear another news story about Afghanistan and the other half of me feels it would be grossly disloyal to stop caring about the welfare of every one of our military members there just because my husband came home alive.

Now that we've left Planet Deployment, I feel like I am staring at a new part of the universe, considering where we want to go from here and how we want to get there. I've been looking at my goals, hopes and dreams and feel a new freedom to reach for some things, take time for myself a little more and stretch my wings more. It's a fun feeling. I like looking out over so many possibilities and thinking about where I'd like to go first.

I'm thinking about finishing up a book I started the last couple of months of deployment. I want to take  music lessons and make use of the beautiful instrument that sits in the corner of my room unused. I want to shake up our routine, check out new neighborhoods and refresh everything about our life. I'm liking this feeling. I can't wait to see where it takes me in my journey with my darling little family. It's fun to have new things to look forward to.

Some day I will get used to the fact that everywhere I go I no longer need to explain why my husband seems like just an invisible friend no one ever really sees, why my daughter, at least publicly seems fatherless, that I am not a single mother. I will get completely used to making daily decisions as a couple again. I will lay down that fearful, desperate need to check the news every night right before bed to see if anyone has died in Afghanistan that morning. I will quit imagining what I would do if two men showed up at my door in uniform to make a death notification. I'll relax more.

I knew when my husband came home we would have to reinvent our life. But I didn't imagine how much I would have to reinvent my life and how I define myself once he came home. It's a pretty interesting journey.

Have you gone through a strange personal transition once your service member came home? What surprised you? What excited you?

My Husband & I: The New Terminator Team

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Long story short, my husband and I found ourselves at an arcade on a very rainy night recently. It had been a super stressful day and there had been a lot of tension, even though we were both really trying hard to get through it with some grace.

This was a pretty small arcade. We weren't up for attempting to grab a stuffed animal out of a rigged machine. Some of the games didn't even work. So we somehow ended up at a two-player Terminator game.

We ripped it UP! I don't know what it was but that plastic arcade game gun felt good in my hands and it felt good to blow away some bad robots from the future. We worked really well together and were blowing things up left and right. My husband is an expert ranked marksman, which I am only now really beginning to appreciate. I had no idea that military qualification could be so much fun in an arcade.

There was an excitement and sense of power to reload and start shooting again. To cover for each other when one ran out of ammunition and to occasionally get a chance to launch a grenade. Looking back now I see a very real allegory in our experience about how we work together to defend our marriage, our family and push forward to our future. But at the time it was pure fun to burn off pent up stress and energy. And I did pretty well for a girl who knows very little about guns. I aimed, I shot, I blew up bad guys. All the while my husband was yelling instructions to me. "Go for the heads, go for the heads!....You have a grenade, use it....Okay, right now you only have a shotgun."

At the end my husband mentioned, somewhat humbly (I say that laughing) that he really had my back and helped me out a lot. While I think I held my own pretty darn well for the girl that I am, all I could think was, "Of course you did, you big stud. And I wouldn't have it any other way!"

I could have played that game with him for hours. But at arcade rates, after a few "continue playing" extravagances we stopped and forced our way back to the real world. But it was so much fun, such a great stress relief, kinda hot and looking back a great lesson about what a dynamic duo we are in the game world and even better in the real world.