Things We Won't Tell My Husband: Episode 5

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Things we won't tell my husband is a comical, sometimes sad look at things we don't discuss during deployment. Please know that I am totally open to discussing any of these things with my husband in real life and often do. But in the hopes of keeping life simple, not overburdening him and when communications is jagged and unpredictable, things fall to the wayside sometimes.

1. That after someone scraped the driver's side of his car before Christmas, it has happened to the passenger side now. Big tire mark. Dreading this conversation. I did NOT do it.

2. That I think the tiny little hubcap thing from his car, the one that is missing, disappeared that first day he was home for R and R. He was driving and let me just tell you, after not driving for six months, he hit the curb on the passenger side two or three times making turns. I am pretty sure it was him that knocked that baby off. I do not think #1 and #2 are related, just to clarify. And again, I did not do it.

3. That I've had to develop a thick skin & a "get over it quickly" survival skill for when he calls or Skypes and is grumpy. Can't carry that with me all day. Not good for anyone. Unfortunately or fortunately, I realize that I am his only pressure release valve. Doesn't mean I always appreciate it.

4. That I still look at his picture some days and think "I married that guy? That is the guy I married?" and I laugh. He is so handsome, so not "my type", so perfect for me, much fun and such a handful. I was looking for all those years and he was waiting at the end of the trail. Amazing.

5. That while he's been gone our little one has scared the living daylights out of me like a creepy little kid in a horror movie more times that I can count. Most recently while we knelt at my bed for family prayer and she without making a peep moved from my left side to my right side and when I opened my eyes and saw here there I totally jumped. We won't even get started on how many times she's appeared out of nowhere in the dark of night or after she's been asleep for hours! Just thinking about it makes the hairs on the back of my neck rise!

6. That I'll be watching the last half of the Army Wives season when he's gone or asleep. He hates Army Wives...not because he's actually watched it, but just to be a bratty boy. Little does he know that while I realize it IS fictionalized dramatic (emphasize dramatic) television, I have definitely learned some useful things about the military & being a military spouse. I had zero real experience with the military until I dated a former Ranger for a brief time a year before I met the hubs.

7. That frequently I have no idea what he is talking about. I always think a FITREP sounds like it should be a fitness test, but that's called something else. He grew up with a dad and stepdad in the military. He's been fluent in Military-ese since birth, or maybe before that in the pre-life preparation phase, which I am sure there must also be some catchy acronym for.

8. That I only kinda understand the difference between non-commissioned and commissioned and the whole rank structure. Basically I figure if they look about our age or older they're probably equals or superiors. If they look younger or act with deference to my husband he's the superior. Good detective work, right? haha. He's busy, he doesn't have time to explain this all to me. And again, he was born speaking Military-ese so we're not on the same page language-wise anyway. lol. Please remember we don't live in a military community and therefore don't have the chance to associate with other military families, before you judge my ignorance. I am around my husband's unit maybe one time per year. Begging your pardon, truly.

9. That I fantasize about dressing down that one total jerk officer we've run into who just had to go out of his way to cause trouble for my husband and create massive amounts of totally unnecessary stress. This was all such a power trip for that guy and I will forever remember his name. Sometimes I mutter it to myself. If we ever meet, I imagine myself saying, "Oh, so you're _____ ______, huh." Then just glaring at him until his uniform spontaneously combusts.

I am guessing every military wife at every level has one of these guys in her protective "mama bear" sights. In the words of Mr. T, "I pity the fool." And I know, in the end, we keep quiet and hold our tongues. But wouldn't it be awesome if they had a spouse day called "Speak Your Peace Free Day" where you could just say it to whomever at whatever level rightfully deserved an earful from you?!

10. That I am really going to miss driving his tiny, speedy, super fuel efficient car and going back to my SUV.  I have never liked riding in the passenger seat of that car. I realize now that it's because he's broad shouldered and is always leaning on me, so I end up sitting up against the door which is totally uncomfortable in a bucket seat. But I learned this year that the driver's seat, now that's fun. I love being able to shimmy into tiny compact parking spots, drive 600+ miles on one tank of gas and enjoy that little sports car engine.

I'm gonna miss that car. Driving my SUV is totally practical for moving gear, bikes and lot of things we can't do with his little car. But I seriously feel like I'm driving a school bus now. A little scary. Will need to get used to that before he gets back.

So those are the things we won't tell my husband this week. Can you relate?