The Army Never Promised To Fix Your Mistakes

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I read Ask Ms. Vicki's advice column on military.com last week about a wife whose husband had been court-martialed. He was in prison for something he had done that she knew nothing about. She was very angry that the military wasn't taking care of her, helping her move, etc. I can only imagine the hell her life is right now as she tries to find her way alone, pick up the pieces and figure out her future now that her husband has made these terrible mistakes and is no longer able to stand by her side. Just finding out that this was happening behind your back has to be majorly traumatic. I am sure her world has been turned upside down in every way.

While I had a lot of sympathy for this wife, something she said really upset me. "You are brainwashed to think that you take care of your husband and the Army will take care of you..." If anyone should be blamed for not taking care of this wife it is her husband. He totally, totally blew it. He was dishonest, sneaky and apparently committed some pretty serious crime. It is not the Army's fault that this man totally screwed his family over. It is not the military who is screwing this wife over.

There are a lot of support programs provided us in the military, but I do not believe for one minute that anyone in the military has encourage couples to be totally dependent on the military. I think the lesson has repeatedly been to be self-sufficient, to be prepared.

It sounds like this couple had absolutely no emergency plan in place financially or in any other way. If there is anything I have been encouraged to do by other military spouses and the military family training I have attended it is to have a plan. There are a multitude of resources to help us avoid getting into trouble, but once our spouse or we as a couple have made disastrous choices there is little the military is able, or frankly, very willing to do.

I know that military salaries can be small for some but I do believe that there is always a way to have some sort of emergency fund and plan in place. I am astonished at the luxury and excess that many, many young couples live in: huge TVs, new cars, video games, lots of shopping, travel, top of the line cell phones, expensive pets and more. We are closer to retirement than enlistment but we still try to live prudently and without excess. At any salary, living within our means is possible and a must. With good financial planning and management it is possible to have some emergency resources and funds.

I also don't believe that the military encouraged this women to have no career or be totally unprepared to hold down any kind of employment. We all have to recognize that if anything were to happen to our spouse, the responsibility to provide falls squarely on us. Even though it makes it tough to go to school as a military wife, there is nothing to keep a woman from completing school before she gets married. It is also much easier for a woman to get school and career experience under her belt before having children. Even though being apart is so hard, that seems like the only downside to being able finish school before getting married. Easy to be apart, no, but better prepared for the future, yes.

No one is forcing anyone to get married at an age where they are too young to have gotten their feet soundly in adulthood and aware of the responsibilities. On issues like these we have to take responsibilities for our choices. When people get married very young, do not prepare for adult responsibilities and do not have an emergency plan or any resources, they have basically said we're willing to go without the security of all these things and accept the consequences of whatever comes. Unfortunately I'm not sure they realize this at the time or they don't want to admit it. Not sure about which, maybe it's different for everyone.

It sounds like this is not the first time this guy has been in trouble and that he is clearly a repeat offender. If a person is going to commit crimes and regularly screw up in the military I would imagine there were big problems before the military. Perhaps more thought could've been given to his worthiness as a responsible husband and father figure, particularly before having a child with him. Sometimes we want things so badly we just insist on getting them, regardless of whether the situation is right or not. I always love the saying "build the nest before you lay the eggs." Hello Mother Nature teaching us a lesson.

Again, let me say again that I have compassion for this wife's fears  -- they are natural and normal in this situation. I'm so sorry about the bad situation she finds herself in. But it seems like there were a thousand mistakes made up to this point and it is not the Army's responsibility to clean this mess up. I am certain that no one in the Army or the military across the board said support your husband and we'll take care of you. Even if they did say this, it would be wise to believe otherwise and take care of ourselves, right? 

We have to take responsibility for our choices and be prepared for emergencies. When we make whatever efforts we can to be prepared for an emergency, we find that if crises do hit we will have broad and helpful support system under our feet and already know what our priorities should be. Never believe the notion that you can do whatever you want and someone else will take care of you. That's just crazy talk.