Reintegration: A Life Change, Not A Timeframe

image via mca

This week I read a question from another military spouse. It was "I'm worried about reintegration. How long do I give him to readjust?" I smiled. A few months into reintegration, it's a question that will make a military spouse smile. It helped me to solidify in my mind what reintegration is not.

1) Reintegration is not a time frame. There is no magic time frame where everything will be settled and "normal." It's different for every service member and their family. You cannot say "In 90 days we stop reintegrating and it will be over" or "I'm giving my spouse two months to get reintegrated." There is not going to be one day where you will say, "We are reintegrated!" It's dangerous think about how long you will expect it to take or how long you are willing to give your partner to "get" reintegrated. You can't know what's to come or how everyone will handle it.

2) Reintegration is not a singular process. There is no step-by-step path to reintegration. Every family will experience some wildly different paths in their reintegration experience. Some will experience physical health crises, others financial crises, some mental health crises. Life does not stop moving while we reintegrate. There is no simple directional map. We each struggle to find our own way.

3) Reintegration is not a short-term experience, it's a life change. There is no point in reintegration where everything goes back to the way it used to be. Everything gets redefined. Everyone has changed, life is different. The way a marriage and family face things has to change to accommodate those changes. 

4) Reintegration is not a time of rest and recovery. I think it's easy to imagine that somehow life is going to slow down so we can catch our breath after a deployment ends. If anything it becomes more stressful as we all try to fit into new routines & get settled into the world we used to live in. Our reintegration period has been rocked by sequestration, changes in unit leadership and the government shutdown. That has not made it easier by any stretch of the imagination. Add financial concerns, serious health problems, legal issues and my husband being gone a lot and you can imagine it hasn't been a period of celebratory downtime.

5) Reintegration is not always in our control. While we can prepare ourselves and have a positive attitude we cannot control our service member or our family members and how they deal with reintegration. That can be exhausting and discouraging. Just because we believe therapy would help our service member does not mean they will be willing. Just because we'd like our homes to be tidy with no military garb cluttering entry ways or the middle of our living room does not make it so. We cannot make our children behave themselves when they need to act our their own stresses about deployment and reintegration. Acceptance, patience and persistence are vital.

6) Reintegration is not the time to put ourselves second. While we focus on the health and well-being of our service member and families, we cannot help them if we haven't taken care of ourselves. Having down time, appropriate rest, time for self, a calm environment to retreat to and the right people to talk to is invaluable to a military spouse going through reintegration. It's easy to think it's about our spouse and not about us, but everything they do affects us and how we manage all that has long term effects on our health, well-being and the survival rate of our relationships. We take all our own personal baggage into reintegration too and there are often painful realizations, changes we need to make in ourselves and healing we must do as we continue to learn and grow. It's important to take care of self so we can sustain ourselves and then others.

7) Reintegration is not the time to be together constantly. It's good to have some time apart during reintegration. I'm not saying leave for a week, I'm just saying don't spend every minute of every day together. You are accustomed to being apart, don't overload your systems and shut off your connection with the life you grew and the individuality you developed while apart. Help yourselves keep things in perspective by spending time with friends, alone or with extended family. It's amazing how a few hours away can help one see the good and minimize fears. I'm always surprised how just being away from home for even a couple of hours recharges my batteries and makes me excited to come back.

8) Reintegration is not the time to be rigid about expectations. It's easy to get defensive and start trying to make everything a fight or complaint. Pick your battles and let a lot of stuff go. It's not worth the fight much of the time. You can't bring up every little annoyance and bother. Focus on the important stuff and don't get caught up in petty arguments. Go with the flow of the changing life process rather than fighting it. But of course, make sure you're life individually and together is headed in a direction you are comfortable going in overall.

9) Reintegration is not a cheerless time. There is lots to be happy about during reintegration. You have so much to be thankful for -- your loved one came home! You are making new memories, laughing together, having time together. Do what you can to bring happiness into every day. Go on new adventures, talk about your dreams for the future, play and have fun. Be sure to see the good in every day. Be grateful when you hear your husband and kids giggling in the next room, when he walks up behind you in the kitchen and tickles you, when you have great moments of intimacy together.

10) Reintegration is not without help and support. There is a lot of reintegration support available for individuals, couples and families. Look for it! Check out the FOCUS program in your area, contact your local Vet Center, MilitaryOneSource.com, or military family services center on base. There are lots of people willing to help you through reintegration. There are a lot of people who've been in your shoes and understand.

Another great support group is available online. Check out military spouse blogs, big ones and small ones. Connect with other military spouses online or in your area. There is a lot of support out there. Don't you dare suffer in silence or watch your happiness slip through your fingers without reaching out for some help.

Reintegration is always going to be a bit hard. Life is hard. But along with challenges there is a lot of joy to be had in reintegration and life in general. Don't miss all that good stuff by getting too bogged down with the challenges. We learn and grow through both the challenges and the joys. Don't miss the good stuff. Make your goal your life and don't get too caught up in what reintegration "should" to look like, how long it "should" last or how it went for anyone else. You just can't compare life experiences, challenges or blessings.

The best thing you can do to thrive through reintegration is to promise yourself you will take care of yourself and then do your best by your service member and family. Patience, love and kindness go a long way and experiences like reintegration are the perfect petri dish for growing more of all of those good things. Just like pre-deployment and deployment you will see yourself come through reintegration a wiser, stronger, braver person. Let it be the growing time that it is.