Reintegration Joy: Tag Team Parenting

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Last night while I was making dinner I was thrilled to hear my husband in the other room instructing our daughter on cleaning up her room. That was one of the hardest tasks I had, and somewhat failed at while he was deployed. There never seemed enough time for me to sit there with her and get it cleaned up. It seemed like I was always making a meal, focused on homework, or some other vital task. I could send her in to clean on her own but it never was quite done to parental standards.

But tag teaming, he could be in there with her while I was cooking dinner or taking care of some other necessity. Later when I walked into her room it looked fantastic. I was thrilled. This is one big blessing of having him home. It's so nice to have someone else who can run to the store, make a phone call, send an email, pay a bill, sign a note and fix problems.

I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated him helping her to clean her room and how challenging that was when I was constantly on the run when he was deployed. It's great to have some back up. Here are a few other things I'm enjoying or will soon be looking forward to.

• Someone else to watch her like a hawk and help her cross the road, parking lot, etc. It's a little stressful trying to keep them safe and alive all the time. It's nice to have another set of hands and eyes to keep watch and walk with her.

• Someone to get to school and pick her up. I am excited about the idea of making plans in the afternoon and not having to rush back mid-afternoon for school pick up if he's available. Yay!

• Back up when she's mopey and floppy and won't step to it when asked to do something. I love getting that support that let's her know that both parents are displeased with her current choice not to act when spoken to.

•  Bedtime help. Now there are two people who can make sure teeth are brushed, tuck in has happened according to her specifications, music has been turned on, nightlight is lit, all that good stuff.

• Someone who can take over when I'm exhausted or not feeling well. What a luxury! Last year it meant keep dragging yourself through the day with no break.

• Someone else who can monitor computer and TV use and remind about book reading and summer school assignments. It's amazing how quickly she can find a way to be staring into a screen if I'm busy doing something. Now there are two sets of eyes to redirect her energies.

Those are just a few of the reasons I love having our Daddy home. I'm going to enjoy every moment of it, because over the past three years we've certainly had a lot of apart time. Remembering how nice these days together are helps keep a positive attitude when I'm waiting for him to come home and gives me something to look forward to.

I Thought I'd Be Stronger After Deployment

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You'd think that after a year-long deployment and very frequent separations I would be used to hubs going away. He's going away for only a few short days and here I am crying my eyes out. On paper this doesn't make any sense, but to a therapist it would probably make complete sense. Here's what I'm thinking is happening.

I was used to him coming and going for a few days or even a couple of months. Over the past three years we have been apart a lot. I was always a little on edge when he would leave but always did fine and in fact really made great use of my time.

Then came deployment. The great test. And we made it. We did it. We lived through it. He came back healthy and alive. And now I'm falling apart because he's leaving for a few days, worrying about worst case scenarios, having nightmares and feeling mad, sad, hurt, etc. I am afraid something bad will happen here at home and I won't be able to handle it.

Keep in mind that I took on some massive stuff while he was gone and conquered. Besides those things I was sick for most of December and January, was in a serious accident with long-term recovery (no fault of my own) and I'm pretty sure I was depressed for the first few months. But I still made it and I know I'm stronger for all that.

So the fact that I feel so weak and vulnerable when my husband is going away for less than a week, could rush home at any moment if something did happen, and is reachable by phone, email, or text 24-hours a day is a little bit baffling.

Maybe I'm thinking this might be the time I can't handle our separation. Maybe something will happen that finally breaks me. Maybe something will be required of me that I can't handle. But seriously the chances of anything going seriously wrong are infinitesimally small. Why am I worrying???? Maybe a little bit of post-deployment stress on my part? Very likely. Because this just isn't something that normally would or really should throw me for a loop. Clearly separation is a trigger for me right now.

We've already been apart quite a bit since he came home and that is definitely wearing on me. Not to mention all the returning home tasks and challenges that have been taken on that have created a home life where nothing feels normal or settled right now. I still don't feel like we've had a "normal" day since he came home. Maybe normal doesn't exists anymore and maybe that's what I'm craving desperately. Some sense of our old, normal life...not that I really know exactly what that even means or would recognize it anymore.

Once we get into the car and head to airport drop-off I know I will go into "mission" mode, I'll have tasks to complete and things to do. I'll have some free time to do things I want to do. I will probably go wander some of my favorite shops, do some sort of creative project, talk to my girlfriends, and of course have a lot of fun with our little one. Oh and let's not forget I'm going to need some rest since I have not been sleeping and when I have been asleep I've been having bad dreams. The days will fly by and I will be fine.

But it doesn't feel like it today. I thought I would be over feeling vulnerable after surviving a husband in a war zone for a year. This is very likely just an extension of that same vulnerability but it surprises me. The emotional wear and tear of deployment doesn't evaporate just because your spouse came home. It's likely I'll be feeling the effects for some years to come. That is something to remember and be okay with. Just go with the flow with thoughtful carefulness.

Have any of you readers experienced anything like this? How did it manifest itself and how did you handle it?

The United Through Reading Program

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One of the great programs we took advantage of during my husband's deployment was the United Through Reading program. The basics of this program are that on military installations around the world, service members can record a video of them reading a book and then send the video and the book to their children back home.

My husband recorded several of these during his first six months on deployment in Afghanistan (also known as "AFFFA-gan-I-STAN" by our little one. For some reason she said it with a drawl like a girl from the deep south which always cracked us up.) These DVDs were great to watch in the evenings before bedtime or on car trips.

Just being able to see Daddy/Husband was a godsend, hearing his voice was a delight. You could see the joy he felt in connecting with our daughter as he red to her. He took such care in the way he read and despite being exhausted was animated and warm. It was nice to have a little break from the being the only onsite parent for even a few minutes and let my husband, via DVD, from thousands of miles away spend time with her and have her undivided attention for a while.

I am so grateful to the organizers, sponsors and volunteers of these groups such as United Through Reading who give of their time and resources to bless military families separated by deployment. This is a program that helps families stay connected, helps deployed service members do something special for their kids which I think does a lot to cheer them up, and encourages reading. Three phenomenal benefits.

You can learn all about United Through Reading and find locations around the world where parents can record stories to send back home. Have any of you readers taken advantage of United Through Reading? How did it help your family?