Bonding with Gruff But Lovable Father-in-Law

image via MCA

One of the best gifts that has come to me in our deployment is a chance to bond with my father-in-law. You see, I've been scared of him since I met him. I have been tip-toeing around him for years. When I told Mr. Hart's brother how I felt a few years ago, he laughed and thought I was crazy. He said his Dad was just a big teddy bear. While I could see he might have some teddy bear qualities, I was still scared of him. And if I told my father-in-law that I was scared of him he would be flabbergasted. But I would never tell him that because I think it really would hurt his teddy bear feelings.

Here's why I've been scared of him. He's a Vietnam vet, career fighter pilot who is bullheaded and can blow off steam with a string of expletives that makes a girl's ears burn. He has never actually done that in front of me, he's too much of a gentleman for that, but I've definitely caught wind of it when he didn't know I was in the next room. He threw his personal life away as a young man for the drink and women and hurt a lot of people in the process, although he's done all he can do to make amends and clean up his act for some decades now. He's a BIG guy, tall and broad shouldered like you wouldn't believe. I'm tall but for some reason he feels like a big, intimidating giant to me. 

He lives alone and his house is definitely bachelor quarters in every way. When I am there it's like I'm the only woman living on a planet of all men. There are no other adult women in the family. So I end up hanging out with the guys, spending time by myself or mostly with the two little girls. They're darling but under 10 years old.  At FIL's BOQ (military speak for Bachelor Officer's Quarters)  there is almost no food, no decent cookware, no matching silverware and it's all just heaped mountain high in a big drawer. Everything at his house seems to be pretty much the same as it was when he and his second wife divorced. The same sheets on the beds although I do believe it's possible they've been washed at least a few times since then (haha), same decor on the walls and mostly unlived in space except for his computer desk chair and recliner in the living room.

He's losing his hearing so it's hard to communicate with him and when he talks he sort of yells, which enhances the intimidation a bit because it feels like he's yelling at you. Dealing with the VA he's just not getting the care he needs on that account. It's hardly difficult to imagine he could be losing his hearing after being surrounded by jet engines for 40 years of his life. Because we live far away and only see him maybe once a year at most (meanwhile I'm hiding from him most of the time - haha) I just had never connected with him.

I always thought I would have an amazing relationship with my inlaws. I never imaged that I would miss out on having a mother-in-law. My husband's mom died four years before we met and I have grieved her loss in my own way over the years. What a gift it would've been to have her love and support because she too was a military wife who experienced a lot of separation and had to do a lot on her own. Her husband, my husband's step-dad for most of his growing up years, was military too and from all accounts an outstanding man who passed away nine years before I met Mr. Hart. I think I would've bonded with him immediately.

So there I stood with Gruff But Lovable Gus as the only inlaw I will ever have, wondering how I would even have the courage to have a conversation with him while my man was gone for a whole year. I started trying to email him brief hellos and send him a few family photos. He would occasionally email me with a question about mailing letters or packages to his son. When things went south on a couple of issues that I needed his help with, I nervously asked.

The things that really turned the tide in our relationship were his understanding of what we were going through, his real and sincere concern for his son and most importantly his repeated assurances that I was to call him if I needed ANYTHING during deployment. I believed him. I believed that he deeply cared and worried for his son. I believed that he understood better than most what we would experience during deployment. And best of all, I believed that he cared about me and our little family and would move mountains to help me if I needed him. That made all the difference especially when he put his money where his mouth was and continually watched out for us and offered his support.

Now I have a soft spot for that big teddy bear that I will hold dear to me all of my life. I haven't seen him in in almost two years now, but I look forward to seeing him again. I miss him and have wanted to go for a visit for some time now but it just hasn't been possible or practical. Hopefully when my husband returns we'll have a chance to go and spend a few weeks there and I will have a chance to enjoy my budding relationship with my father-in-law in person. You just never know what blessings will come during a deployment. This was a good one.