The Initial Strike of Reintegration Fear Hits

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When Mr. Hart came home for R&R I expected him to be a little different. You hear they change, you suspect you've changed. But other than the fact he'd lost a ton of weight (not cool) I was surprised how unchanged he was. I was thrilled. I imagined that this meant in just five or six more months he would come home very much the same.

This week while talking to him on the phone the first powerful strike of reintegration fear hit me. I realized what life will probably be like when he gets back. He will have a ton of things to put back in order after he returns. He will be grumpy and tired. He'll have lost even more muscle since there's never been a drop of fat on his highly toned body, especially after being very sick after Christmas. All the things we put in place when he left for the year to protect family, belonging and such will have to be undone, plus picking up any problems that didn't get resolved while he was away or were put on hold.

Our income will change. Our home life will be different now that Clementine is living and going to school here. Interest rates will go up again on the debts we've incurred fighting to protect her. He will be severely tired after a year of poor sleep and mediocre nutrition. He'll be in "military mode" not "home mode" which means he will expect everything to function like a unit and not a home with a family with soft-hearted girls. He will be lost. He will probably feel disappointed in America after spending a year sacrificing everything to protect her. He will be grumpy and tired and lost.

I've been counting down the days of his return since the first day I learned he would deploy. First my fears were maybe I can't handle all the stress of this lead up to his deployment. Then it was maybe I can't handle saying goodbye. Next came I won't be able to deal with him being gone for so long. Then I can't bear to let him go back. Now that I've survived all those things I am standing two or three months away from his return and reintegration shaking in my boots, more fearful than ever that maybe that is the straw that will break my back or break our family's back.

I'm started to be scared to see him, because maybe I won't be able to help put him back together. Maybe I won't have any influence to help him feel loved and supported. Maybe he won't be happy being home with us and feel frustration instead. Maybe we'll end up spending years in counseling and it won't fix anything. Maybe our love won't be enough. 

All this time I have been thinking the deployment was going to be the hard part and now suddenly I think perhaps the deployment was the piece of cake and the hardest part hasn't even started yet. All this time I've just wanted him home and now that it's starting to feel like a reality I feel myself leaning back on my heels, retreating from all my excitement, hopes and dreams - retreating from him in my heart.

I guess I have to tell myself that if we've survived pre-deployment, saying goodbye, those horrible, sleepless first few weeks, sickness, stress, mid-deployment custody battles, saying goodbye again after R&R and all those months of him being so very far away, we will survive reintegration. We'll find our way, we'll tough it out, we'll have good friends and family around us lending their support. God will watch over us and continue to keep his angels watching over us.

So I will try to put these fears down. I will give them to God. I will start doing all the reading about reintegration so I'm ready and know what to expect just like I did for pre-deployment and deployment phases. And I will meditate on happy, joyful things for us upon his return. Maybe I'll call this The Summer of Joy and I'll start planning little things that will help us have a lot of fun this summer. Those are proactive things I can do. That is where I should put my energies. No reason to live in fear. Others have gone down the path before us, we can do this.