I have been thinking a lot recently about how many memories our little one and I have made without hubs being around. We'll never be able to get him caught up on all the inside jokes, weird things that have happened to us, places we seen, people we've met or things we've shared together. She and I have a bond that exists on a whole different plane than our relationship with her dad.
We didn't choose this, we didn't try to create our own little world, but we had to out of necessity. It makes me a little sad and I often feel caught between both worlds. Home is a different place when it's just the two of us. It's much less complicated, more tidy, everything just happens more easily and quickly.
Suddenly when Daddy is home everything changes, the way we do things, the pace of our day, how our mornings flow, what we eat for meals, how we spend our down time and how much of it we have. Things are more peaceful without the testosterone element I realize. Some days I crave that energy and some days I want it to quiet down a little bit. It's frustrating to me to feel torn between these two existences and yet I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not sure how to navigate it all. I guess I thought once he'd done a one-year-deployment that having him gone for a week or two would be nothing. If anything it's gotten harder in some ways and then it's almost too easy for us to get back on "deployment auto-pilot" but then it all stops as soon as he gets back and we're thrown a bit by that.
I think the divide is getting wider and I'm not sure who's fostering it and who's trying to pull people back together. Maybe this is just another bump in the reintegration process. We are definitely having to redefine what our normal is. I find we like it even less when he's gone, but we all have a little bit of a sense of relief to be apart and catch our breath. This is all very weird. Do people outside the military have anything like this in their lives.
I guess I need to reckon again with the fact that he's always going to be gone a lot. I don't think I ever felt like he'd come back from deployment and suddenly be around all the time, but it does seem like I've gotten a little bit tired of it. Oh the joys of finding our way through life and continually having to redefine what everything means to us and how it will work for us.
Somehow I guess I will find a way to peacefully exist in these two worlds. Do any of you other military wives understand what I'm talking about? Have you felt the same? Do you have any great advice for me? I've love to hear it if you do. I am continually surprised that even though he's home there's still lots to learn and work through.